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whats happening?

(16 Posts)
sixweekfreak Sat 18-Jul-09 00:36:38

Before I start to explain ,please understand I intend no malice,im genuinely wanting to understand whats happening.

There is a young lad who is pally with my youngest ds - theres a few years age difference but this boy has adhd and autism (his mum says) this lad whilst hes at my house acts quite happily I sometimes have to say look at me im talking to you (in a nice way) and he does - he is quite young for his age.

The thing thats puzzling me is that just lately ive noticed when i see him with his parents or his older siblings he walks with his head down and kind of shuffles and to all intents resembles rainman sad- yet within a few mins of being with us he looks ahead talks clearly although very repetetive but definitely nothing as extreme.

My partner commented on this today and it puzzles me that he appears v vulnerable when with his family yet here surrounded by other children he is much more confident,joining in,joking and taking part.

Is this an aquired behaviour? is he doing this to 'fit in' with the others? is he able to do this? or is he predisposed to see himself as the weakling with his family?

please help me understand and excuse my ignorance.

sixweekfreak Sat 18-Jul-09 00:37:16


maryz Sat 18-Jul-09 22:59:35

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sixweekfreak Sun 19-Jul-09 09:31:06

Thanks maryzsmile- I dont disbelieve his diagnosis at all -im not a doctor I wouldnt/couldnt argue and I certainly dont know enough about autism to pass a judgement,what I perhaps worded wrongly was that his mum just says autism-full stop,I am a friend of hers but having heard oither people describe their dc they say 'thats the adder in him' 'thats his aspie coming out'.

This particular child wasnt diagnosed until quite late.

I have been reading up as much as I can and I would just like to make it easier for him to play here at ease.

Goblinchild Sun 19-Jul-09 12:50:43

With my son, it's like being a high-wire performance artist. He can walk the wire, smile and keep his balance and wave to the audience for a period of time.
When he comes home after school, he's very 'aspie' for the first hour or two, stress release. If he's allowed to be, it charges his batteries for the next performance.

When your inlaws come to visit, many rush around and put on the best show of cleanliness, domestic harmony and cooking that you can.
When they've gone, you nip out to the takeaway and sit in your jammies watching junk on the telly. Only for a while, but you need the downtime.

Your boy's friend doesn't have to try so hard with his family, they know him. he obviously values the friendship hugely to be making the effort to fit in and be NT in appearance.

sixweekfreak Sun 19-Jul-09 13:39:34

His mum seems to think that with me he knows exactly where he stands (i understand to a limit his difficulties but im very clear about what I expect from him with regards to tidying up the toys,I will say calm down and tell me slowly etc) and there have been times ive been called to help when hes had a strop at home - i just find it really interesting how he can 'keep balanced' in my home.

There is no question of him being treated 'different' in my home nor would my dc query his needs as my dc are very aware of other peoples needs and indeed it was my youngest dc that asked me to find help for ways he could help his friend.

The relationship/friendship they share although rather odd regarding age, works well bcos my dc doesnt argue and test this child he will either change the subject or say hes going home - the child enjoys being with my dc bcos to him hes just xxxx.

thankyou both for helping me make sense of what I knew could be quite a sensitive question,id be really grateful of any advice you can offer.

Goblinchild Sun 19-Jul-09 15:03:05

Does it help with the age thing to know that many Aspies function with an emotional age around 2/3 of their chronological age?
So my son is around 10 in his ability to cope with friendships and people, despite being almost 15.
Consistency will help him, a rule always being a rule and reinforced with a calm voice rather than getting cross and loud.
And if he makes a mistake that really annoys you, try and work towards helping him fix it please. Real friends are as rare as *insert whatever cliche you like* for ASD children

sixweekfreak Sun 19-Jul-09 17:08:46

that age difference is spot on absolutely!!

When he has done things that 'annoy' me i say to him - i dont like it when you do that it makes me feel sad -remember when you felt sad because your xyz got broke? thats how i feel,i will also say to him you have done that beautifully im really very happy with you.

Sometimes when hes playing with the other kids its harder to see if hes happy or sad so we have a code thumb up if hes ok thumbs down if hes not.

Goblinchild Sun 19-Jul-09 17:19:01

You sound as if you really know what you are doing. smile

sixweekfreak Sun 19-Jul-09 17:48:33

Im trying but i did find it really difficult to note such a distinct difference in his behaviour,it was in my mind he was unhappy but i think he was just being his real self after listening to your advice.

Goblinchild Sun 19-Jul-09 18:01:38

Again, a lot of Aspies, mine included, often don't do 'normal' facial expressions.One of the things that has prevented him being picked on by the hyena-types who victimise others at school is that he frequently looks menacing.
Glowering, serious, unsmiling and scary. That's often his face in neutral.
He remembers to smile more often now, or to explain that he's concentrating or thinking when people ask him if he's alright, but it is a conscious application of social skills rather than instinctive smiling.

maryz Sun 19-Jul-09 19:40:14

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

maryz Sun 19-Jul-09 19:43:21

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Goblinchild Sun 19-Jul-09 19:46:20

In the States, they refer to Asperger's as High Functioning Autism (HFA)

zoast Wed 23-Sep-09 23:22:30

Hi G
I have come over from the Darkside, been chatting to Vic, we have hatched a cunning plan. see vics banking thread on the am I being unreasonable bit,
Sorry to but into the thread but I have been goblin stalking all evening and they are fiendishly hard to catch

WetAugust Thu 24-Sep-09 00:57:01

Seems September is going to be just as wet as August.

welcome Zoast

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