Advice needed - DS18's angry outbursts / blaming everyone else

[Whippet]

DS (18) has dyslexia (diagnosed) but often exhibits other behaviours consistent with traits of ADHD, OCD and narcissistic personality disorder (none of which he has been assessed for, as he mostly copes and masks well to function in everyday life.

However he does have angry outbursts where he seems to lose control and starts shouting, swearing and blaming everyone else.

Example recently - he had a zoom interview for a part time job, but lost wifi on his laptop at the beginning so had to login again using his phone and data. He found out this morning that he didn't get the job, but rather than just saying he was upset/ disappointed, he went off on a rant about how it was everyone else's fault:

• DH for not 'sorting out the wifi'
• DS2 for being online at the same time
• Me for not being around to check the connection with him beforehand

I've seen this behaviour before and know it's not worth engaging/arguing about the truth, so I just said I was disappointed for him that he didn't get the job, but that he was being unreasonable. Then I left him and went out for the morning.

WHen I came home I got another torrent of abuse - all about how unsupportive I am and how I shouldn't have gone out/ how he needed me to reassure him that it wasn't his fault / that he would get other jobs, etc etc.
I've told him I will not engage with him when he's angry, shouting and swearing as it upsets and scares me (he's over 6ft and strong).

I has really hoped he would grow out of these angry, blame-everyone-else outbursts, but it seems not! He is meant to be going to uni in autumn and if he ever behaves like this with new friends etc they will ostracise him instantly.

The thing is that he never takes responsibility for his anger or apologises afterwards for all the horrible accusations he makes. Tomorrow he will act as if nothing ever happened and expect everyone to treat him as normal.
I feel I need to talk to him /get help for him, but I have no idea how or where to start . It does feel like it is linked in some way to a kind of personality disorder.

[Happytodayhappytomorrow]

hi Whippet

I have come on here this morning to post my own request for help/advice/suggestions and saw yours, as yet unanswered. I'm not sure I can offer any advice but I wanted to show my support and let you know that you are not alone. I'm sure that somebody will come along soon who can direct you.

My son has a huge sense of entitlement and, I think, always has done. Even as far back as him being in cubs, so aged about 7 I think, I over heard somebody commenting on it. Yet I don't think he has got that from me or anyone else in the family.
I really feel for you with the being scared. Our son scares me sometimes when he has outbursts and that alone is enough to deal with, without everything else that you are trying to help your son deal with.

I hope you find some answers.

[Sparkletastic]

This sounds very hard to cope with OP and for what it is worth I think you handled it perfectly. Have you read 'The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read' by Philippa Perry? I'm halfway through and it has given me some really useful insights.

[Branleuse]

I dont know about other teenagers, but mine (asd, adhd) struggle with personal responsibility and would have kicked off if they had all those issues outside of their control at an important interview too. Im sure a lot of people would be really frustrated by that.
I would let him rant and then work out a strategy for next time.
Does the wifi drop a lot?

[Whippet]

Thanks for the replies.

So calm has resumed again, and as I predicted, nothing has been said by anyone about his outburst. However as a pp said, I DO need to have a strategy and I just feel he needs help or some tools himself to help manage these outbursts and make sure he doesn't lose future friends or jobs etc as a result of them.

It's probably the case that he only feels safe enough with us, his family, to do this, but even so, I feel it is beyond the bounds of what is acceptable/ considered normal.

[Branleuse]

theres no such thing as normal. Hes a neurodiverse teenager trying to get a job, hes pissed off and had a rant at the rest of the house.

I think id sit him down now hes calm and say that you get that its super frustrating when stuff like this happens, but his attitude to frustrations or being under pressure is going to be an important thing they look at when interviewing for a job as they wont want someone who loses their cool easily, and internet dropping is one of those things that happens sometimes.

If it was me, I think id say that next interview you will try your best to be there and to get everyone in the house off the wifi so hes got as much bandwidth as possible, but you expect that if something does happen, that he doesnt immediately start blaming everyone else or getting aggressive, because sometimes these things happen and its noones fault and keeping your cool is a really important lifeskill

[Whippet]

Yes, you're right, I don't mean 'normal' I mean acceptable.

The aspect of this that upsets me most is that as a family we are hugely supportive and go out of our way to help him. none of the accusations he threw at us were justifiable - the wifi is what it is (we live off a private road and can't get the very highest speeds) and was just bad that day. DS2 wasn't online at the same time (we'd already hghighted this as a potential issue). I had already done practice zooms with him the night before and everything was fine.

I just don't think he realises that other people out in the wider world simply won't tolerate these kinds of outbursts and I feel it is my responsibility to help him understand this.

@Branleuse - good advice, thanks!

[ittakes2]

My son at 14 has started to do similar. Although he does recognise his behaviour is unacceptable when he calms down and always apologises. I went on a parenting course recently that suggested we sit down with our kids and help them to recognise the physical and mental signs their stress is increasing and working out strategies to manage this. So say work out that if their stomach is churning that might be a stress level of 2 or 4 and what they should do to reduce their stress. Physical things like dancing or singing are ideal. That way they don't get to stress level 8 which tends to be shouting. I must admit I can get to 8 and now instead of shouting I sing. Which I realise sounds very weird but the parenting coach explained if your body wants a physical release its better to give it one and a positive one like singing helps. If my daughter gets stressed I suggest dancing with her. She thinks I am being silly but I start dancing - and she laughs and this releases the stress for her. Much more fun than shouting.