Hugs?

[Theautisticpenguin]

Something I noticed that when I was a kid and teenager women always hugged cuddle and kissed me on check and now I'm in my 21st I don't understand why it's stopped. I have asperger syndrome and autism maybe it just happens to stop but I find them comforting and soothing I like human touch why has it stopped I don't understand is it the same for everyone or just me I miss them I wanna a hug.

[BlankTimes]

Social distancing over the past year throughout the pandemic will have stopped a lot of physical contact.

Also, at your age, outside of the pandemic, it's not generally considered appropriate social behaviour to hug other people, maybe very close friends as a greeting and close family or a partner, but again, not repeatedly in public.

Have you considered that your "need" for hugs is sensory-seeking behaviour? Have you tried a weighted blanket or lap-pad or anything else that would fulfil that need?

[Theautisticpenguin]

I have a weighted blanket and it's not really the same, I really like the way hugs feel and they make me happy. why was it OK when your little but not when your older it's confusing and hurtful i don't understand it's really complicated sounding

[BlankTimes]

When you don't understand social rules like this one, try and observe people in different situations, so you may get some idea of what's acceptable socially and what's not.

The following applies to the UK, other cultures have many and varied social norms.

Children and young people like teens hug a lot and it's not seen as unusual, more like childhood hugs as a display of childlike affection.

Society's perception about hugging changes drastically when adults are involved.

Adults don't hug very much in public and if they do, then it's very brief, like saying hello and goodbye.

Prolonged hugs like the ones that would satisfy a sensory need are seen as too intimate to be carried out in public.

Adults hug within the family, brief hugs are seen as okay between all family members.

Prolonged hugs between parents and adult children outside the home or in the home with visitors present would attract attention and some people would ask if everything was okay, because they assume one of the two people hugging needs comforting.
Other people seeing the same thing may make unpleasant comments because it's not what they are used to seeing and in their minds, because to them a prolonged hug would be sexual, that's what they assume when they see other adults do it.

Has that made it bit easier to understand?

In brief, two adults hugging for more than a couple of seconds in public is perceived to be sexual contact and will attract negative attention.

[Theautisticpenguin]

So if I hugged someone for more than a few seconds its seen as sexual by other people? I didn't know that, then that explains why I don't get hugs as much because then people would assume sex right? (I haven't had sex yet though)
It sucks from a sensory point of view because I like the feel, pressure, smell all those seeking things are extremely comforting to me. How can I get these things without being seen badly off?

[BlankTimes]

Have a word with Sensory Occupational Therapist, most are private nowadays and some have sensory gyms which cater for all sorts of sensory needs, stocked with the type of things on this site, have a browse. www.rompa.com/body-roller.html

Most of the deep pressure stuff I've seen is for kids, but there must be adult versions available.

Look into pressure clothing.
www.squeasewear.com/shop/pressure-vest/

www.sensorydirect.com/deep-pressure-vest


Are you aware of a sensory diet to make life easier for you to help with vestibular and proprioceptive senses? Again, a Sensory OT can find what you need and advise on the type of things that would help.

I use a lot of things from Aldi and Lidl special days on gym equipment for exercise balls cushions etc. to help my adult DD.
66fit do very reasonably priced body rollers, squeeze balls, theraputty etc. but your sensory needs may be different to hers.

[Theautisticpenguin]

Is it bad that I like hugs? I don't want to hurt people and I live in the UK. I get jealous sometimes because all I want is cuddles and everyone around me seems to be doing and why not me? I love hugs and they make me feel so lived and cared for. I'm high function aspergers but I don't really understand social stuff very well. I'm so if hugging makes people upset I didn't mean to I promise.

[BlankTimes]

Is it bad that I like hugs?
No, it's not bad, but you need to know WHY you are giving hugs such a large priority in your thoughts. It's not something that other people would rate to such a high extent.

Have you considered that you like hugs so much because it's a sensory need, it's all part of your autism and it's a natural part of you.

As I said before, an Occupational Therapist trained in sensory needs will be able to explain all this to you and help you to understand yourself better.

You really do need to read up on sensory integration, so you can understand about your own sensory profile. Do lots of research, here's a start www.sensoryintegration.org.uk/What-is-SI
Do lots of reading about Proprioception, Vestibular and Interoception.

all I want is cuddles and everyone around me seems to be doing and why not me
Where are you seeing all this hugging? Is it happening at home, school, college, uni, work, when out shopping or walking or exercising?

We've been in Lockdown for over a year, I've not seen anyone cuddling anyone else for that whole time outside my family at home, so it's hard for me to relate to your experience that you are seeing lots of it.

Social situations are very difficult for people with autism, so don't feel bad about not understanding things. There are youtube videos and zoom classes and when lockdown's over, there will be real classes for autistic people to help them navigate all of the "unspoken social rules" of NT life.

"Have you read Luke Jackson's books?
Sex, Drugs and Asperger's Syndrome (ASD): A User Guide to Adulthood"
This book could probably help you as it's written by a guy who has Asperger's and a talent for communicating the differences between life as autistic and NT people see it.