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Aspergers and innappropriate behaviour **possible trigger warning**

(16 Posts)
newname4 Sun 26-Mar-17 02:09:19

Name changed for this as I don't want it linked to my normal account.

This is likely to be long, so please bear with me!

DNephew (16) is diagnosed aspergers, and displays many of the traits, including an unawareness generally of social boundaries. He is very bright, and functions well generally, but occasionally it becomes apparent that he is missing some quite large chunks of normal social development. He is immature, both emotionally and sexually, for his age. I would say he is functioning at about 10/11 years for these things.

He was the product of a dysfunctional relationship between my sister and his dad, when they were living in a hostel (huge backstory which is not relevant here!) and were both 19. The end result was that, at 18mo, his dad left and my sister became a single parent.

He had a chaotic upbringing, due to DSis (as then) undiagnosed aspergers. She also suffers from depression. This means she struggles with basic things like personal hygiene, and keeping her flat tidy. Even though we were only teenagers, me and my other sister basically raised DN between us, always making sure he had everything he needed, attending parents evenings, taking him (and paying for) various clubs he wanted to join etc etc. There was a concern as he was growing up that, in some ways, DSis sort of substituted him into the role of boyfriend (no abuse suspected, but things like bed-sharing when its way past appropriate and going on 'dates' on valentines day). She has not had a relationship since he was about 3.

At 11 he confided in my other sister that his mum was hitting him. She took him straight to my parents, when he moved in with the provision that his mum would get help and work towards him moving home. He still lives with my parents 5 years later. He has a good relationship with his mum, but they are more like friends than mother/ son.

He attended mainstream primary, but behaviour was always an issue. He is very impulsive and once he got to secondary school became harder to contain. He went through 2 secondary schools, and was finally offered a place at a specialist residential school for boys with aspergers. I see him now every week, and he has done brilliantly since being there!

Anyway, now you've got the background here's the issue - on Friday we were at my Grandmas house. DN and my DD (4) disappeared upstairs. There have been incidents previously with him not being very nice to her, so I was a bit concerned and went to look for them. I found them in a spare bedroom playing 'babies'. He was 'changing her nappy', which involved her pants being down around her ankles.

I immediately stopped the game and DD got dressed. Nothing about their positioning would suggest that they were doing anything other than what they said (they were sat/ laid exactly how you would if you were changing a nappy). I looked him in the eyes and told him it wasn't appropriate, then I took DD to one side and talked to her about always keeping knickers on when she's playing etc. I didn't want to make a big deal of it and freak her out TBH.

Once I got chance I went straight to my mum and dads and spoke to them about it, and asked them to speak to him about appropriate behaviour, which they did. I also told them (and DD) that she was not to go upstairs alone with him again.

I think I dealt with it pretty well... I think! I can't stop thinking about it and it's making me feel sick. I'm 99% sure nothing untoward was going on, but that 1% is totally messing with my head! What would you have done? Did I do the right thing? I really don't know what to think!

BastardBloodAndSand Sun 26-Mar-17 02:27:16

You need to contact his school as a minimum and they will contact social services. Please, don't just leave this, he obviously needs support and could land himself in real trouble. Chances are the only reason it didn't turn into sexual touching is because you walked into the room.

Don't minimise because of his Aspergers, you'd be letting him down, your daughter down and potential future victims down.

newname4 Sun 26-Mar-17 02:32:52

I had wondered about informing school, they are brilliant and know exactly how to handle him. What would social services do?

I really don't want to think he is capable of doing this. My head is totally messed up over this! Do you really think it would have escalated? There's no way at all it could have just been an inappropriate game due to his immaturity? It's obvious when he's around smaller children that he still thinks he's 'one of them'

Sweets101 Sun 26-Mar-17 02:34:43

You did the right thing and handled it very well. You do need to be vigilant (despite the fact it might well all be innocent) and have a word with his school

newname4 Sun 26-Mar-17 07:50:31

I know you're both right re school, but I just worry what that will bring from social services. My sister is not the easiest to deal with either, and has a tendency to shout and fall out with people instead of listening to the full story!

BastardBloodAndSand Sun 26-Mar-17 08:49:42

New name, the fact they were upstairs away from everyone answers that question, in all honesty I think your sister is the least of your worries. You need to do the right thing by your nephew.

newname4 Sun 26-Mar-17 11:50:27

I'm going to speak to my mum today (brilliant timing!) and ask her to speak to his school. They ring her anyway on a Monday morning to debrief about the weekend. It boils down to two things I suppose: he's totally unaware of appropriate boundaries and behaviour, or something more sinister is going on. Either way it needs dealing with by a professional!

BastardBloodAndSand Sun 26-Mar-17 12:19:15

Op, I know with my own dcs it's always been at the back of my mind that they may well hit the.age of playing 'mummy's and daddies' Showing their privates to each other etc as kids do a lot later. These 'games' are fine and normal between two kids f the same age, they aren't between 2 kids of massively different ages.

Please don't leave your dc alone with him again and make sure your mum doesn't too, this needs to be taken seriously by everyone or the consequences for him.could be massive. I hope you get good results from.your mum but if she doesn't feel the need I really think you need it

newname4 Sun 26-Mar-17 20:15:30

Thank you Bastard. Luckily my mum is very supportive. She had already come to her own conclusion that school should be informed so at least that's not all on me! She seems to think (and she knows him better than anyone) that he is exactly at the stage you describe - playing mummies and daddies. Unfortunately for him, he's hit this stage much later than his peers and so has no one to talk to about things. It must be so confusing for him to be so far behind everyone else! School are fab, and I'm confident they'll know exactly what to do. I'm feeling much better now about it all. But yes, no going anywhere unsupervised together definitely!

newname4 Mon 27-Mar-17 21:54:36

School have been informed, and consequently so have the local authority. I'm so scared for what might come next I feel sick! What will the authority do? Is he going to be in trouble?

BastardBloodAndSand Tue 28-Mar-17 01:38:38

He won't be in trouble newname but they will take steps to make sure children around him are kept safe. This may involve a few meetings, try not to worry too much, you've done the right thing.

newname4 Tue 28-Mar-17 21:47:05

The social worker has said she's recommending it's a school issue and for them to work with him to avoid any potential future problems. I'm so relieved I can't tell you! I know objectively that we did the right thing, but it feels so shit to have to shop your own nephew sad

Meloncoley2 Thu 30-Mar-17 14:55:49

But you have done absolutely the right thing to ensure he gets proper support.

youarenotkiddingme Sat 01-Apr-17 20:05:46

You've definitely handled it brilliantly. You've acted in the best interests of both children and the professionals have confirmed what you first thought.

Daringdaschund Mon 10-Apr-17 09:08:50

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Daringdaschund Mon 10-Apr-17 09:10:24

So sorry op, first time using new tablet, and I managed to post that on the wrong thread. Many apologies and I hope things work out for your family.

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