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Sorry but need to have rant about Aspergers son

(14 Posts)
Squidgems Sat 04-Mar-17 00:51:23

My son is 21 and was diagnosed with Aspergers when he was 16. He is very bright but only has one GCSE to his name as he dropped out of school.

I got him into college but he dropped out of that as well. He wouldn't stay for lunch and join in with other students and then wouldn't go back in the afternoons. There have been many occasions when I would drop him off outside the college on my way to work only for him to turn around and return home. He even did this at the Job Centre so got sanctioned quite a few times. He hates anyone being told about his Aspergers and wouldn't let me attend the meetings.

I managed to get him onto Employment Support Allowance but he spends the money on his latest obsessions (he has OCD) and doesnt give me any for his board. I have to resort to getting hold of his card and take some before it's all gone but not able to do so for some time. When I come home from work he expects me to have got him all sorts of his latest food fad. When I don't he kicks off even though I tell him that he can go and get it himself as he is free all day to do so.

My son doesn't have a single friend and spends most of time in his room on the computer. He has stopped using his X Box and PS4. I know he is depressed but he won't try and go to an Aspergers group. His room is literally now a hovel which I try to clean but he has a meltdown as he gets upset if the hoover is used believing the air is being contaminated with dust blowing out of it. I even got a manual carpet sweeper but he won't let me use that either. Also he can't be in the kitchen when the microwave is on.

Oh I forgot to say that he is relentless in trying to get me to do whatever has sprung to his mind. Such as deciding that he wants me to drive him to Tesco at midnight when I have to go to work the next day. He is like a robot asking the same question over and over even when I've said no.

This week I've been off work after a small operation and need to stay off my feet. Has my son shown any empathy or concern? Of course not!

I asked him to put the rubbish out but he hasn't. I've asked him to get some things from the shop but he hasn't. Instead he wanted me (yes me) to go up a ladder and change a light fitting in his room. And no he wouldn't do it himself or understand that I couldn't do it. See what I mean about his obsessions.

Last year I didn't get anything from him for Mother's day, my birthday or Christmas despite giving him reminders.

I'm sorry for this very long rant and many people wont read it all the way through but I just needed to vent.

What happened to all the hopes and dreams that I had for my beautiful baby boy all those years ago? I love him and hate him at the same time and then feel guilty as he has a condition and this is how his mental process is.

My son has missed out on so many levels but I find it hard to help him. It's just me and him at home. His father lives far away but I'm in contact with him. He believes his son to be just lazy and often makes "jokes" about him to me which greatly annoy me. He will even sometimes put them in birthday cards to his son! I am starting to feel resentful when he then goes onto talking about howwell his other schoolage son is doing that he has with his current partner.

A lot of the time I wake up wishing that I was dead, but then worry what will happen to my son. So then I think we should both die. I feel such a mess and a failure.

But there are times when my son makes me howl with laughter as he can be so funny. But no one sees this except me. With others he is closed down and unresponsive even to other family members. If he won't communicate with them how can he be employable to other people.

I know that there are other mums whose children are much much worse than mine. At least mine communicates with me and can get about on his own even though he lacks a lot of common sense. But I want so much more for him and at the moment this seems like an unachievable dream.

Squidgems Sat 04-Mar-17 01:05:37

Sorry but I've managed to do a double post and don't know how to get one of them deleted. Can a moderator advise how to do it or delete one for me please?

Stopmakingsense Mon 06-Mar-17 16:38:51

You sound like you are having a very hard time. Do you think he may be depressed/anxious on top of his autism difficulties? This can show itself as lack of motivation rather than actually "being sad"?

Also would he possibly consider doing something like The Princes Trust - they run schemes for young people not in work or training? Sooner or later there will be light at the end of the tunnel but I quite see your absolute frustration and sadness at the situation - you have obviously worked hard to do as much as you can as possible for your DS.

Squidgems Mon 06-Mar-17 23:57:30

Thanks for your response Stopmakingsense. I do think he is very depressed but when I try and talk to him about it he says he isn't and does not want to discuss it further. I want him to get help but he has to ask for it himself it appears. I have tried to get him to sign a form to give permission for me to discuss his health matters at the GPs but he won't. Luckily I have been able to talk about his Aspergers with my GP who I have been with before my son was born. Also unofficially with other people who my son has been in contact with as they realise that my son has social difficulties.

Thanks for the sugestion about the Princes Trust. I managed to get him on a short course which included a residential. He didn't like it at the time but I would take him every day that I could. Most days when we got there we would spend ages sitting in the car with me trying to cajole him into getting out and going through the door. The group leader was very understanding even about the days that I couldn't persuade him to go and she would let me know how he was getting on when he did turn up.

Surprisingly now after a year or so he is asking if he can go on another Princes Trust event. I contacted them and left his details but I will chase things up with them and see what other organisations can help.

Thank you again. When I had my rant everthing had gotten to me. Your kind words have lifted me a little and will spur me on to get help for my son and me.

Stopmakingsense Tue 07-Mar-17 07:23:02

All the best - you sound like a fantastic mother - it's bloody hard.

hellokittymania Tue 07-Mar-17 22:11:05

flowers please hang in there . I was going through a similar time when I was 21 and 22 . I have a disability and some other special needs and while I was still very young mentally I was also trying to fit in and I was just realizing that I was different .

What did he used to like to do ? Other than play on the Xbox ? Can you try and suggest a day out ?

Also my mom still has control of one of my bank accounts and I am learning how to use the other on my own but try and so your son that That he is capable of doing more than he thinks . I also I'm still quite bad at understanding cause and effect. I just can't always foresee the consequences so I ask people around me to guide me a bit . In the morning can you say to your son something like oh do you want some chicken today ? You can find it for this price at Tesco .... what time do you plan on going . Does he know how to cook ? When I learned how to cook I became much more willing to do food shopping . Just be organized know what things cost and bring the exact amount of money so the chocolate doesn't tempt you .

Please give him as much love as you can . I found ages 21 to 20 for the most difficult even more difficult than my teenage years .

Squidgems Tue 07-Mar-17 23:50:20

Hi Hellokittymania

Thanks very much for your suggestions.

He likes skateboarding but tends to avoid the most popular skateboard park and therefore others skateboarders.

You are right that instead of saying to him why haven't you done this or that that I need to be lot more encouraging. It's so true that the early twenties is where he is finding it really hard. He can see on Facebook what his old schoolfriends are doing and that he is not moving on like them.

Now that my son has now agreed to be involved with others with Aspergers, I'm finding out about local groups and activities. Hopefully something will come of that.

I'm glad to see that you got through it with the help of those around you being encouraging, understanding and most important of all patient. I hope that one day my son will be in a better place like you have achieved.

Thanks flowers

Shboogiebop Sun 30-Apr-17 10:44:40

flowers just wanted to send you this as I know how tough it can be.

Mumof3MasterofNone Wed 03-May-17 09:33:12

Hey OP, I'm late to this thread but just wanted to drop in and say 'chin up. My son is 14 and has Aspergers, I know how utterly exhausting and challenging it can be especially when managing someone you love. The truth of the matter is that those with ASD don't think like we do so won't see their behaviors like we do, but we are only human and have human neurotypical reactions. It's really hard to see past the lack of empathy. My advice- remove emotion. It's hard but once you take a step back and remove how you feel then you will be better equipped to manage him. Think about it, if this were your job and you were tasked with it as a project you would look at it objectively and work out a plan of action, step by step.

I have had many a challenge with my son. The easiest thing is to make allowances/excuses 'oh it's because of his ASD'. This is true and you do have to try and understand why he is doing things but the harsh reality is that the world won't change for him. If he is to function as an adult in the world he needs to learn what is expected. It will be harder for him as he has the social challenges and constraints of his thought process, but it's not impossible.

The other thing that stands out from your post is that you need support and time to take care of you. You can't take care of him without that. Perhaps confiding in someone regularly or finding something that gives you an outlet and makes you happy? Or even counseling or a local ASD support group to help your confidence as a mum? Which you should have by the bucket load, you are doing an amazing job, don't give up!

I think I am waffling short

Take care of you
Make a plan for him- step by step. Tell him your expectations and get his buy in. he sounds like he is overloaded and may appreciate the feeling of being safe and controlled.
Do something once a week, the two of you, for fun. It will help build the relationship that you need to get him on board with your plans xx

Best of luck OP xx

midsummabreak Mon 25-Sep-17 22:20:16

Hi, just wondered how you and your son are going now? I have 16 year ild son just diagnosed with ADD but we are fairly sure he has also other issues, maybe ASD. He does lack empathy and is struggling very much to go to school and complete schoolwork assessments. Very worrying

HarHer Tue 26-Sep-17 12:19:41


I have posted about my youngest son (16) who, although not diagnosed, has all the traits of PDA. I have also posted about his older brother who has Asperger syndrome. Both my sons are going through a difficult time at the moment and neither son is engaging very much with anything. However, what sort of keeps me sane is remembering my own late teens and early adulthood. I went through a very difficult few years, but came round in the end, and, although rather later than my peers, I completed education, got a good job and entered into a relationship and had a family.

Squidgems Tue 17-Oct-17 00:10:48

Hi everyone
Unfortunately things have got a fair bit worse. My son has become controlling and aggressive on a number of occasions and I have had to get the police involved a few times.

I have been in contact with various organisations trying to get hrlp for my son (and for me) but they all say he needs to agree to be referred to them. But of course he won't, partly due to the Aspergers.

I feel so bad though that things have got to this stage.

I attend an ASD carers group when I can and it's been good to talk to other parents with ASD teenagers and adult children though I don't tell them about the really bad bits.

robyntheauthor Tue 05-Dec-17 10:31:03

I was really sorry to read your post and feel for you and your son . Here are some poinys I hope are of use

1. Your not alobe what you describe is sadly very common
2 I absloutly in no way want to try to miniamise what you say about Empathy but reading your post it sounds like your son has problems with theory of mind ( a skill needed to emphaise ) the reason I say this is beacuse there are things that can be done about it .
3 It sounds like your son is very very anxious
4 I wonder if ot woukd be possible to sit down with your son and ask him what he would like to do in his life , beacuse of his Asperger’s you may have to be a bit blunt abd tell him one day you wont be there to pay the rent etc
5 Tell him how you feel in a way he understands this might be explaning in pictures , scales ( e.g 1-10) , or relating it to times when he has felt that emotion
7 it might help to discusd what autism meabs to him and see if you could both read some books / watch sone videos to understand his diffculties ( obviously you understabd but by reading the sane stuff it may be easier to discuss it)
8 Aspergers groups are not always the answer as everyone is so differnt so try not to worry if he doesnt want to engage with it
9 Lay down firm boundries and consquences , and follow through ( this is very hard with somone this age but what you describe sounds like a unmaintable situation
10 It might help you to contact a local group of parents to find out what services there are for young afults on the spectrum in your area . Your son is still eligable for a education health care plan

robyntheauthor Tue 05-Dec-17 10:32:44

PDA society ?

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