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10 (almost 11) year old with Asperger's

(6 Posts)
Justwanthertobehappy Sun 12-Jul-15 00:08:58

My daughter has Asperger's, diagnosis 1.5 years ago, but we don't really seem to have gotten anywhere since the diagnosis.
The last 2 weeks I am really struggling with her, she is actively disobeying me and when i talk to her about it she can't tell me why (saying "I don't know")
I'm the strict parent, she always listened to me previously and it always worked well for us as she needs the strict routines, etc.

Since age 4 DD has been at a private school but they have been useless with her ASD, and so unfortunately she is leaving for a mainstream high school. I found this a very tough decision, and it still pains me.
For weeks she has been worrying about leaving the girls she's grown with, a hard thing to reassure about, I have found.

At the leavers party yesterday, the girls were given an autograph book to fill in and get filled in and there was a photo booth. I suggested DD get contact info for the few friends she has got, and also a photograph to remember the year 6 close friends, which aren't many, and aren't friends like 'normal' people have.
When I returned to collect from the party, she had done neither, and was getting visibly distressed by this. LO suffers socially, is very anxious, regularly, most of the time in fact, and upsets easily. When I asked why she hadn't had her book filled or a photograph the reply came "I don't know".
I felt very sad for her missing this opportunity and tried to get the stragglers to help, but no one did.
We returned home with a very sad girl, again, and me thinking what on earth can I do. Which seems to be what I am thinking everyday at the moment.

I feel like I do all that I can for her but she always seems so sad. Like 98% of the time I would say.

For a party today, we had her hair done in a braid crown type thing, that was the first smile I've seen from her in such a long time. I was so pleased. Before the party she was playing with it and took it out, despite my telling her not to. Of course the tears came then, and she genuinely does appear upset. Again I asked why "I don't know"
This impacted on the rest of the day and has left me feeling very upset, its as if she projects sadness so that I will give her what she wants. In this instance I couldn't, explaining actions have consequences and I could not help, though I tried. I went on to rant at her which I now feel terrible about, about her attitude which stinks, her lack of listening to me with no apparent reason, and the annoyance of the Asperger's traits she was projecting at the time.

I know these are only little examples, and seem so unimportant but its like we are locked in battle and I feel like my heart is constantly being broken, when I won't give in, when she won't listen, etc. I feel it is as if she punishes me. I feel so disappointed and let down by her so frequently lately. People rave how wonderful their children are, and I love her to bits, but nothing I do ever seems to be enough. She always seems sad, hurt, in pain. I try to talk to her but she insists nothing is wrong. She is generally good at talking to me if there is a problem, though usually after the fact.

Reading back this all seems jumbled and the examples seem inconsequential, but during the moments they were terrible to experience.

Perhaps I am too sensitive. I just don't know what I can do. I feel like we are going from a good place, to a bad place, and no matter how hard I try to pull her back, she keeps going.

I fear for her future because of the way she is. People barely bother with her as it is, and never have really, because of her social problems, I dread what High School will be like.

i just feel so lost and in need of support.

2catsfighting Sun 12-Jul-15 18:20:55

Your last sentence resounds with me, I wonder if that is how your DD is feeling too.
My DD sounds similar to yours, and I have found dealing with her sadness heartbreaking. One thing I am looking into is having some counselling for myself, so that I can deal with my own worries about her future.

tobee Mon 13-Jul-15 12:02:28

My daughter, now 20, with mild to borderline aspergers diagnosis, constantly says "I don't know" to questions. I sympathise that it can be exasperating. Sometimes I think that she says it avoid taking responsibility for anything but through fear. She's happiest when everything is organised and with a strict timetable or does nothing. She says she's very lazy but in fact when she has things to do she isn't lazy.

It's often a difficult time for all children when they transfer from primary to high school. My daughter was terribly excited about going but no one from her primary school was going with her. In the end she didn't make any friends until well into year 8 because she said she didn't know what to say.

I think you find yourself constantly puzzling over how to help your aspergic children. There's very little good help around. If I ask my daughter what she thinks, if she doesn't say "I don't know" I feel she often goes along with what I say for the sake of it. Although you can't help worry about their futures, I think if you can give them a couple of choices over minor things and lay out consequences of each choice it might help for later. Don't forget that this is an age when all children want to begin to have some independence from parents.

PolterGoose Fri 17-Jul-15 08:05:08

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Justwanthertobehappy Sat 18-Jul-15 23:35:37

Thank you PolterGoose
And thank you all, feel better for seeing it is not just me.

Eliza22 Sun 13-Dec-15 21:04:28

My ds is 15 with ASD. He says "I don't know" all the time. Is your daughter going to get help at her new school? This transition will be so hard for her.

My DS had to go to a different school than his "friends" from primary. It's been hard. Keep your chin up love. You are not alone. x

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