well. he has gone :0(

[ThatVikRinA22]

DS. hes gone.
he came back today and snook in and took his stuff while i was at work. i dont know where he is staying or who with, or anything.

3 times last week he told me to "fuck off" when something wasnt quite going his way.
he did it again last night and i asked him to leave if he had no respect for me.
so he packed his laptop and buggered off.

i expected him to be back today, tail between legs....
no.
its my fault because i get stressed with work apparently - notning to do with living with a 20 year old who swears at me, lives in squalor, stays in bed until 3pm, wont do anything around the house or even put his washing in the basket....and who has stolen money from my bank.
nothing to do with that.
its my fault clearly, because i get stressed, and because i get stressed it clearly has to be my job - he says i "wasnt like this" before i joined the police

this is a losing battle isnt it. He will never ever see his responsibility in anything and its always my fault - never his - and he is pathologically unable to see anything from anyone elses view point.....(yes - he has aspergers)

so. its come to this. 20 years of doing everthing for nothing - He was a lovely little boy....and i was quick off the draw, saw his differences and went with instinct, got his dx at 7, took him to all his appointments, speech therapy, physio, OT, the many many assessments, called meeting after meeting and fought for support in school, college, (and uni - speaking of which i dont think he will go now - and i think he will blame that on me...not so much fighting for support there though ironically - it wont get used)

can a man with the mind of a child survive in the big wide world alone? seems he has cut me out.
so thats the thanks i get for 20 years hard hard bloody graft. today, on duty, i found a woman who had taken an overdose because she could no longer cope with her autistic child.....i understand that. sadly. i wish she had waited for me before she took the tablets, because i live that life too. Its not always bad. it wasnt always bad. but i dont think he is going to contact me again, (until he wants something?? )

ive no idea what i did wrong. truly i cant say that i think i did anything wrong. i waited until he was 19 to go and get a full time job - surely im allowed that now? and that seems to be all he is moaning about....

but he cant see that anything he does would stress me - it has to be my job doesnt it? he cant see past the end of his nose.

[simperingsally]

Vicar, I have no advice but just want to say hang in there. I have read your other thread and you are so strong and have been so patient.

Just wanted to give you some virtual hugs and hope you get the support you need and deserve from family/friends.

[ThatVikRinA22]

thank you. im not doing too well tonight so those virtual hugs are appreciated. i was ok last night, not so good tonight.

feeling very sad and very weepy.

[trumpton]

Oh Vicar so sad for you. We have been having a hard time with our DS ( he has been terribly depressed and in mental health unit until he discharged himself into his squalid flat ) But he came to meet me today and was smiling and clean. I know the hard times you are having with your boy and that he is operating as a 14 year old and am hoping for you that he will realise very soon that you have his best interests at heart and will always love him.
Sending you every good wish and hope for a peaceful night.

[simperingsally]

run a nice bath and put some calming music on/ read a book/ eat some chocolate. i know its late now but please do try and do something nice for yourself.

have you heard from ds? and what have ss had to say about it.

i honestly have no experience whatso ever so dont know what youre going through but reading your posts just make me want to say you'll get there.

[ThatVikRinA22]

thank you. ive been on earlies so im tired, ive been dealing with stuff at work thats probably a litte too close to home and im just knackered, emotionally and physically. i am drained. tired and drained. i probably will sleep, ive drunk 3/4 of a bottle of wine....its not good but it works.

[ThatVikRinA22]

ive had one text. saying its my fault for working full time when i sent a text trying to explain how i feel.
thats it. thats the only contact ive had. nothing since i tried to point out that its not my job thats the problem.....

[tallwivglasses]

Vicar another hug from me. I've read your other threads and you have the patience of a saint. You have done nothing wrong. Maybe he needs some time away to appreciate what he's missing.

fwiw, I honestly think I'd have chucked him out years ago...

[trumpton]

Oh Bless you, I hope you sleep well. It's so horrible being in the position you are in. Step by step, one day at a time.

[ThatVikRinA22]

problem is tall if you saw him you wouldnt, he is just like a little boy. really. he cant even buy a lottery ticket because they dont believe he is 16.....he is 20! but he looks young, and he acts young. it feels as if i have just thrown out my 14 year old.
i didnt throw him out btw......he chose to go because he swore at me again. he doesnt see that he has done anything wrong at all and thats the problem....i cant keep going on like this, with him abusing all my trust and all my love and not feeling the consequences - but the message isnt hitting home. its lost on him.
ive no idea what to do - i cant rest now he isnt here.

[glitch]

Gosh how awful to being going through this. I'm at the other end with a 6 year old with ASD so I guess I'm starting to understand some of the sacrifices you have had to make.

You must be so scared about him. Does he have friends / support that aren't you?

[trumpton]

Sweetheart, finish your glass of wine and pour yourself into your bed. You can't do anything tonight and he will realise all you do for him soon. Try not to worry yourself sick ( laughs hollowly).

Please look after yourself.

[ThatVikRinA22]

i really dont know where he could go permanently glitch - no family around. he has few friends.

i dont know where he is. my friend, who has a boy with similar dx but who is different to him, l(ess socially able, but much more academic and focused)....has said stick to my guns and let him come back to me because she said he wont survive long without me.....
but he is stubborn. im not sure he will admit defeat before its done some damage.

[ThatVikRinA22]

ah gods. this is crap. i feel crap. i hate this, i hate it. i cant win. whatever i do i feel shite. if i let him disrespect me and take the piss its wrong and i feel crap. so i made a stand, and i still feel crap.

[trumpton]

You will feel crap. It's the way things are . But it will get better and your friend is right, he will come back. my son is a lot older but has dragged us thro hell and back recently. We are beginning to see a faint glimmer at the end of the tunnel ( maybe ) . Hang on in there. Sleep is good if you can.

[ThatVikRinA22]

and the irony is that while im dealing with this im going to work and dealing with the people who are taking overdoses for the same reasons.....and i just keep going. i have to go to work and forget him while im there, knowing all the time i have no idea where he is, and knowing i feel just as desperate.

my colleague today joked that its a good job they found her first or id have been asking for half her pills,..bless him, but no one cares. i know why that poor woman took those pills. i wish id found her first.

[5inthebedPPA]

Oh love, I'm so sorry.
Do you know any of his friends numbers, or does your ds have Facebook? Ty emailing some of his friends in there to see if they know where he is, just for your piece of mind.

[ThatVikRinA22]

i dont know his friends numbers, he only has 2, both are special needs, one lives up the road and im sure he isnt there.

the other is another aspie, with his own place. id place bets on that one. but i dont know any contact details.

ds has facebook but doesnt use it much.

[trumpton]

It is ironic , as you say. I am taking sleeping pills to get me through the long nights of worry . I took DS to Dr this week and saw the Dr first for my check up. My blood pressure is perfect ( how?) but she wants to stop precribing the sleeping pills.
Son's appt was straight after mine and I just said to her to meet my son and then to cut me some slack for a while .She is a new Dr in the practice as our wonderful Dr has just retired .

Can't really add anything else except that you can PM me if you want if you think I can be a shoulder for you.

[5inthebedPPA]

So his aspie friend, does he have any help living by himself? Maybe a SW you can contact?

Can I ask, was the woman ok? Don't answer if you'd rather not. Can imagine either scenario being awful.

[ThatVikRinA22]

no sw or contact details....

the lady was taken to hospital. i would imagine she would be fine. she had only just taken the overdose. maybe someone will help her now, hopefully, that said, the crisis teams do have a habit of discharging people that they shouldnt....

[5inthebedPPA]

:(

I really don't know what else to suggest. He doesn't have a SW does he? Iirc they didn't see him as a risk to himself?

[trumpton]

All you can do is wait and try not to worry yourself sick. Have you got a film you can watch in bed until you sleep ? I found I couldn't read at the worst times as my mind kept slipping into worry mode but a film was easier on my brain.

[ThatVikRinA22]

ironically he was due to be assessed by SS, was meant to be Weds but i was on a training course.

[ThatVikRinA22]

im just mooching around on here, i might put an ER on....ive got loads taped. im sorry....i realise im whinging. i dont expect anyone to say anything, really, im just venting and it helps to just get it out there tbh.....i deal iwth things in a very reactionary way but i dont hold things in - i think it probably helps keep me sane(ish)

[5inthebedPPA]

Oh no. Call them Monday, tell them what is going on and tell them you need help.