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its with sadness that i realise - my son is just a first class arse.

(54 Posts)
ThatVikRinA22 Sun 03-Jun-12 17:56:14

yes he has SN but there is only so much i can take. He is coming up to 21 years old.

he has stolen from us 3 times now, the last just a month ago when he took my bank card and took large sums of money from my already overdrawn bank account.

he treats the house like a hotel.

he turns up at meal times and spends the rest of the time in his room

he sleeps until 3pm most days and stays up most of the night

he wont do his student finance application for his 3rd year at uni - the one where he would move out - which i need him to do as i need the break.

his room is so filthy that when he does go (if??) to uni i will have to throw away the carpet and gut it.

he works part time from home but has run up debt which he refuses to address

he did not buy either myself or my husband anything for our birthdays - even with prompting - it was DH birthday last month - i kept saying have you got your dad anything at all? he kept saying yes, yes, yes, but it never made an appearance - when i ask him now he just storms out of the room

ive tried to talk to him today again about his student finance application but he just gets up and storms off.

yes he has SN. But i did not raise him to be like this, i did not raise him to steal and lie and think only of himself ever, i raised him to be polite and helpful and have manners and to know right from wrong.

during the past few years he has proved himself simply to be not very nice.

UnRoyalCharter Sun 03-Jun-12 18:00:29

aw Vicar sad

i think it's time to tease out which parts of his behaviour are due to SN/age and pushing his luck?

Catsdontcare Sun 03-Jun-12 18:02:25

Can you ask him to move out? I've seen many of your posts and I don't see anything changing whilst he's still at home.

ThatVikRinA22 Sun 03-Jun-12 18:10:13

i realise that AS can be a selfish condition. I realise that he often thinks only of himself because he has no empathy or ability to do otherwise - but

but he must realise that his behaviour is unreasonable and makes me unhappy? i tell him in as plain a form of english as i can.

he does know that stealing is wrong and he also would never steal from anyone other than me.

that shows a level of understanding.

i really need him to move out, and i thought that uni would give me the breathing space i need.
but he wont do the sodding student finance. every single day now since january i have asked him to do it. every day. he keeps saying he will, but he doesnt.
ive offered to help. he wont let me
he just pretends it will all go away. just like his debts.

i am so pissed off with him and i am starting to dislike the person he shows he is intensely.

he has stormed out of the house. i locked the door but then he comes back banging on the i opened the door and just get surly rude behaviour from him.

he has stormed back upstairs. im going to turn the internet off now as its the only thing that bothers him. (he uses massive amounts of electricity as he is up all night....with all his PC,s going full pelt, lights left on, fridge left open....

he refuses to engage with me at all. ill be back later. if anyone has been through this then id appreciate knowing how to deal...

ThatVikRinA22 Sun 03-Jun-12 18:11:34

cats - he is meant to be moving out in Sept to go to uni.

he does not work full time and has no where to go. i could ask him to move out until blue in the face but he cant afford anything.

i thought uni was the answer this year - he has done 2 years at home - he needs to do one more year to get his degree.

UnRoyalCharter Sun 03-Jun-12 18:31:32

people on the autistic spectrum can have empathy and the ability to think of others - i think you are being very soft on him because you think he can't help it.

your DS is now an adult, but he behaves in a very child-like way at times.

it's obvious he can choose to act in an adult manner - knows how to operate a bank account to his best advantage, knows how PINs work, he also knows how to keep this a secret from you.

does he accept he has a neurological condition? does he understand this in plain medical terms and about the effect this may have on his thinking and perception?

ThatVikRinA22 Sun 03-Jun-12 20:10:01

yes he knows he has AS, amongst other things - he was dx at 7.

he does not want to know about its effects, he does know, but its easier for him not to think about it. and when i confront he simply says "yes, i have aspergers remember" - so when it suits him he tries to use it as an excuse.

i dont think i am being soft on him at all - but i cannot make him engage or listen to me. I have never allowed his conditions to excuse his behaviour actually - but since he has reached adult hood i have less and less control, and he makes it clear he doesnt give a rats arse about me, my feelings, or anything else.

i want him out (for the sake of my sanity) but i cant just throw him out.
the solution that i was hanging on for was him leaving for uni in september. that way he had accommodation, i had a break from him, he had a break from me "nagging"....

i dont know what else to do.
if anyone has the answers then id be pleased to hear them, providing its not just a simplistic "throw him out" which is no solution.

so i throw him on the streets??

he has walked out anyway, because i disconnected the internet. ive no idea where he went.

how do you make someone listen? engage? talk? understand they are exhausting you?

he probably wont be back tonight anyway.

ThatVikRinA22 Sun 03-Jun-12 20:12:32

he behaves in a child like way becuase his condition means that he operates at around the mental age of 14.

PurplePidjinghamPalace Sun 03-Jun-12 20:14:39

Social Services? Uni Support Services? NAS?


ThatVikRinA22 Sun 03-Jun-12 20:15:51

actually i feel like i am being judged, for being a responsible parent - i am sick to the back teeth of people saying throw him out.

its what i get at work. it does not help.

so i make him homeless, destitute and then what? i cannot just wash my hands of my only son because he is pissing me off, i think to suggest it is irresponsible.

he can be an arse.
he also has SN.

i need to find a balance that works and that does not give me sleepless nights.

ThatVikRinA22 Sun 03-Jun-12 20:17:19

Purple - tried that.

SS are next to useless.
uni say they can only do what is within their remit - which is education
NAS - given up with them. phoned them so many times over years and realised eventually that in this, you are on your own.

thank you for the wine though. that helps. smile

UnRoyalCharter Sun 03-Jun-12 20:17:26

Vicar (it's UnChartered here btw), you can't make him listen, you can't make him engage - 10times more you can't do this because of his AS.

ThatVikRinA22 Sun 03-Jun-12 20:20:26

i know that.

i dont know what to do though. i just needed to vent, believe it or not, i feel that i have been a good parent, its just the last few years that he seems to have turned into someone who does not care.

UnRoyalCharter Sun 03-Jun-12 20:21:25

you are not the one making him homeless or destitute....he is doing this to himself and for whatever reason is not able to see why/how this affects everyone else

there is an answer to this, i can't imagine how much this hurts for you - i just happen to think you're being very accepting of everything being down to AS. i believe you are a worthy and fair parent, you have a worthy and fair occupation - this is not all your fault <<hugs>>

ThatVikRinA22 Sun 03-Jun-12 20:26:28

but i would never ever sleep again if i did not know he was safe. he is quite vulnerable - and he does operate at a much younger level than his age.

it would hurt me far more to just wash my hands of him - i could not do that. i would never rest, never sleep, never relax again for wondering where he was and if he was safe.

i was homeless at 16. its shit. its dangerous. i would never ever do that to my son who has SN. thats just not right.

i need to move him on with some support in place.

UnRoyalCharter Sun 03-Jun-12 20:29:04

supportive housing is brilliant - but he needs to accept he's 'in need' really

i do understand about your worries, i'm not having a go, just trying to put another side to it all

ThatVikRinA22 Sun 03-Jun-12 20:33:25

i know. and there doesnt seem to be an answer right now, because when he is in this frame of mind, he is just horrible to deal with.

im glad he went out tbh. he makes me angry and when im angry he behaves more and more badly.

i just want him to go to uni, that way i would see him when we need to see him, he can come home for visits and weekends, he will learn some independence, i wont always be worrying about my money/bankcards/ getting bailiffs turn up/ and he gets to be the big man he thinks he is.

and he finishes his education which is again the best way i can see to him being independent in the long term.

he can then get a job in his field of expertise and i can enjoy seeing him without the bloody arguments all the time. thats all i want.

ThoughtBen10WasBadPokemonOMG Sun 03-Jun-12 20:35:36

Does he need to be in supported housing Vicar? I know that our local autistic trust has flats for people on the spectrum. Or would he be impossible for others to live with?

ThatVikRinA22 Sun 03-Jun-12 20:35:49

but he wont fill in the sodding student finance - either with or without help.

ive told him - i have said that come what may he needs to leave home in September (i was hoping to spur him into submitting the student finance forms)

he says he wants to go to uni.
talk is cheap. he wont do what he needs to do and will not be told that if the money for accommodation is not there for when he goes he will not go....he seems to think they will just 'let him off'

he makes me want to bang my head against the wall.

ThatVikRinA22 Sun 03-Jun-12 20:39:00

i dont know thougtben - i find him hard to live with. ive no idea what others of his own age would think. He seems to think that everyone his age is the same as him hmm

he is going to be sharing a flat at uni with his own room and bathroom (if he ever does the finance)

i think he will annoy, but i think if someone else tells him he will be more receptive to what they say than he is with me.

i dont think he will want supported housing anyway. he doesnt see himself as that disabled.

i think he will need support.

UnRoyalCharter Sun 03-Jun-12 20:45:15

i'm not surprised you find him hard to live with tho, he's stolen from you sad

many MANY parents would have shown their DCs the door for that

i'll stick my neck out and say AS does not make anyone do this - this is deviant behaviour, not social/emotional difficulties

ThoughtBen10WasBadPokemonOMG Sun 03-Jun-12 20:56:06

Can you have ODD with AS?

Sounds so tough for you Vicar sad

TheLightPassenger Sun 03-Jun-12 20:57:13

what about some sort of Foyer/supported hostel type arrangement, Vicar, would that be suitable or would he be too old?

mercibucket Sun 03-Jun-12 21:09:39

My parents still have my db at home and he behaves badly too but without the stealing. I'd knock that right on the head and call the police next time - bet he knows full well that's not on! Much sympathies. I have no answers. We have no answers. But I do have lots of empathy for your situation. I also agree that making him homeless will not end with him sorting himself out. If only

mercibucket Sun 03-Jun-12 21:09:39

My parents still have my db at home and he behaves badly too but without the stealing. I'd knock that right on the head and call the police next time - bet he knows full well that's not on! Much sympathies. I have no answers. We have no answers. But I do have lots of empathy for your situation. I also agree that making him homeless will not end with him sorting himself out. If only

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