SN - how did you tell your child they had it?

[trulyscrumptious43]

Also posted this in SN teens but have been advised to post here as well because of more traffic.
I ask because my DS (age 14) is about to start assessment for Asperger's via the NHS. He doesn't yet know that I have asked for the assessment to take place, and now I'm wishing I'd done it years ago.
I have always encouraged DS to believe that he is capable of anything he wants in life, and I don't want him to use this an excuse to hide behind (he has v lazy tendencies at the moment).

So what did you tell your child?

[JustHecate]

I told my eldest he has autism and explained in simple terms about how it means that his brain works differently.

My younger child doesn't have the understanding to be able to process that, so we've never sat down with him and explained it.

My elder son and I now play a game where he tells me he can't - tidy his bedroom/brush his teeth / make his breakfast / listen to me .... "because I'm autistic" with a huge cheeky grin on his face.

My role in that is to sing "What a load of rrrrrrrubbish" and then he laughs.

[trulyscrumptious43]

I'm not sure that I can find that right words. Telling him he has autism doesn't get me any further as he won't understand that.

[JustHecate]

No. My son didn't understand the word 'autism' either. That was just how I started the conversation.

I also related it to his arm (he has Erbs Palsy) I talked about his arm, how it doesn't move the same way as his other arm, the operations he's had etc etc. That it is different. He understood that. Then I talked about how other children his age talk differently and had he noticed that (he hadn't) and I talked about his noises and the way he gets really really into something and knows everything about it etc etc. Built up a picture.

He doesn't understand it how we understand it, but he knows he is not like his peers and he knows that is because of something called 'autism'. and that there is nothing wrong with him, his brain is just different from theirs.

He does get upset, because he is aware enough to know that he isn't like them, and he wants to be.

my other son, otoh, doesn't know and doesn't care. In many ways, that's easier. He doesn't feel bad about it. He's happy so we're happy.

[trulyscrumptious43]

I spoke to DS yesterday about this.
We talked about how is different from other kids his age - he stroppily denied it. After a bit of discussion he conceded.
I said that if we went to the doctors to talk to them about it, they could help by asking the school to give him more help. DS saw this as a sign that he he would be having more one-on-ones at school - he already does a few - and became adamant that he didn't want to go through the process.

Not sure how to proceed now. I have an appointment with GP today to start the ball rolling and then another together with DS tomorrow morning. I feel he won't be best pleased.

[johnworf]

I know your son is a lot older, but when we told my DSS he had AS we bought him a book called All Cats Have Aspergers. It really helped him understand and he spent a lot of time looking at each page and nodding, saying that is how he felt.

DSS finds it difficult even now at 12 expressing how he feels so sometimes books can help.

HTH.