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My son hits me

(4 Posts)
Ptolemy123 Tue 01-Nov-16 08:13:45

This morning my 8 year old son has attacked me, because I tried to get him in the shower.
Im covered in scratches and bruises. He has ADHD and attends a special school. We have tried visual clues, nurturing, distractions, medication, everything.
We also self referred to CAMHS and to SS. CAMHS have said that he is just incredibly impulsive and so he needs to learn to control that. SS assessed us and said they couldn't offer us any help.
I don't think I can take any more of this being hit. Has anyone else been in this situation?

freemanbatch Wed 09-Nov-16 17:56:20

I have this with my eldest when she's in periods of distress and I find that it's all about self defence and calm.

I use my arm to block her and push her away just enough for me to move away from her. I never turn my back, always making sure I can see what she's doing so that I am not caught off guard. Turning her around and holding o to her arms across her chest to stop her hitting whilst speaking calmly to her sometimes helps her calm down.

I was advised against raising my voice or instructing her to stop and this can cause a stand off with things getting worse and worse. Instead I calmly and quietly ask her to stop while using the self defence strategies to keep myself safe.

It's awful when your kids take their feelings out on you but the less you can react to it and the quicker you can move on afterwards (without holding a grudge or being upset at him) the better as, when they calm down, the kids feel bad enough about what they've done and the guilt can feed into a repeat situation.

Be good to yourself, and to your son, you will come through it.

Totallybonkersmum Mon 10-Jul-17 02:44:10

I really, really feel for you, Ptolemy123, having been in the same situation with firstly my brother who was taller and much stronger, then my son (same age as your son) who also behaved exactly the same, punching me hard in the stomach when we were alone. DS was diagnosed with ADHD but refused to take his medication. The paediatrician threatened that if he didn't take his medication then she would be in touch with SS and get him taken into care. As if I needed the additional stress! He obviously wasn't stupid!
One day, in absolute desperation I wrote out what I called a "contract" for my son stating that if he punched me again, very hard in the stomach, I'd call the police. We discussed it during one of his rare better days and I made him sign it, so to him it seemed official.
Looking back I guess I put a 'written in ink' boundary and the consequences if he did. In front of him I put it in an envelope and said I was filing it, once we had both signed it. I kept a deadpan face.
I was so desperate though tbh, I was at my wits end. He was about eight too.
Due to intense abdominal pain (until my op very recently), we think he, over time, caused internal damage for which I ended up needing major surgery very recently.
I told him in this contract that if he punched me again, I'd call the police. I was serious, although at the time I didn't realise I'd already accumulated so much scar tissue already, resulting in the above. So instead he switched his aggression towards our home. We've got a hole in our hall wall, several in his bedroom, broken toys and a broken bedroom door. Our house looked partially demolished. It was still distressing though tbvh.
Thinking back, I wonder how the hell I managed. I was working p/t to have some money for me and my children, as my DH still doesn't let me use our current account. I was studying for a degree too, which I was paying for myself, to go into teaching to have a proper salary if/when I left my DH, so extreme as one can only imagine, was his controlling behaviour. My MIL really disapproved and put his behaviour down to me. The fact that I only worked term time and worked insuxh a way that I could drop him into school (so I knew I'd dropped him off!) and pick him up. I didn't work school holidays. DH's contribution towards the cleaning, accounts, cooking, shopping, etc was nil. At least my meagre salary gave me some sense of sanity. Plus I could afford to take them out and walk them miles. Particularly along safer paths by the River Thames. It wore him out, plus I was safer when out with other people around.
I found SS to be useless too and the school. I was able to claim a minuscule amount of DLA, until he was 8. Despite my gp and paediatrician, the school didn't back my claim when he was about 8, so that was stopped too.
I was extremely lucky though because my school were desperate for me to work through the holidays. I did, on the condition my DC could come along too. They were more than fine and joined in the children's activities (at secondary school stage). I knew all too well that he wouldn't dare step out of line as it was expected that he behaved properly! Just goes to show... 🙄 With my pay I paid for any activity that would wear him out.
Are you able to claim any benefit so you could afford some summer activities for him? I'd phone SS's again too, having made some notes of the previous week's physical abuse to you.
My son managed to keep his promise for a number of years. However, oneday he lost it. He wouldn't let me explain. My DH tried to behave as a mediator which made matters worse, then DD chipped in. It felt like it was three onto one(and I'd just had foot surgery from another injury). I left the house for a while, went back and it all kicked off again so I packed a bag and left. Not easy as I'm now registered disabled.
I went somewhere that no one would find me.
Next day I went home about mid day. About then SS's called! About *** time. They'd been tipped off that there was a problem, but I don't have a clue as to who. My DP's have disowned me; long story but again not my fault. Apparently I had a highly dysfunctional childhood. SS's said they were coming round to inspect us, plus my son was reported to the police. He would have been charged if it wasn't for me, but if there is a next time then I'll let them charge him. He knows that. The police basically told DH that he should support me & trust me. I've now got carers coming in, as it was evident that I was being neglected (as my disability; well known conditions, had worsened probably due to stress). SS's know the background properly now, at long last, but it took a major incident to take place to wake them up.
Since DS calmed down and was aware of his precarious position, he read my text which totally shocked him as it wasn't anything that he suspected. In fact as the police also said, it was actually helping him. I'm sorry about the lack of detail but I'm just wary in case someone recognises me. He was extremely apologetic. I told him that he has to trust me and that I'd only do that sort of thing if I was desperate.
So a year has passed now and he's been on best behaviour.
I'm wondering if you could contact the police and let them know your situation. Tell them you're worried about his future and if he goes off the rails, what may happen. Could they at least talk to him? Or/and draw up a contract? Phone SS and ask them if they can put him into any play schemes over the holidays? Speak to your doctor; they will refer you again. It took a while for CAMHS to get their act together and finally talk to him about anger management. Maybe for CBT? That definitely worked for us. Plus the police.
Sorry to blah blah on about my situation; I tried to keep it short and sweet(?!) but it was complicated and I know from experience, that your child is likely to be similar. One things for sure. I wish I'd involved the police much, much sooner. Then I'd probably not have needed 4.5 hours of abdominal surgery!
Who ever grassed on me to SS's actually did me a very big favour as SS's seemed more willing to become involved as other parties had! I also wouldn't have been got at by DH as he'd have been furious about the ensuing uproar if I'd reported it. He asked who had informed them and SS's said they couldn't because of the confidentiality act. I could look him straight in the face and say "not me!", too. Thank goodness.

Malga Sun 03-Sep-17 13:02:59

My DS2 is ASD and quite physical, he is 9. I've been on so many parenting courses, including the Non violent resistance course which was quite helpful, worth asking CAHMS to refer you also google it, its on the Oxleas nhs trust site.
My DH travels a lot and we have 3DC so I find it very hard at times, frequently been covered in cuts and bruises but DS2 is a bit better these days, talking to him when he is calm about what is acceptable and what is not does seem to help. There is no magic overnight fix tho.

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