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DH to give up work and claim benefits?

(173 Posts)
ariane5 Tue 08-Jan-13 10:00:50

We have 4 dcs 11,6,3 and 8m.

All dcs have a genetic condition. Dd1 also has a heart problem and ds1 has many issues as well as genetic prob (allergies/ migraine/speech probs)
All 3 older dcs have reduced mobility and suffer pain fatigue and frequent joint dislocations.
Dd1 and ds1 receive dla.

Dd2 was also diagnosed with t1 diabetes last week.dh has been off work with no pay as I can't manage everything-the appts/physio and now inj and caring for the baby.

I don't drive and have no family who can help.up untill now dh has always worked but now I really need him here to help me with dcs-if they all have a bad day I can't manage

Dh really doesn't want to give up his job but I can't see any other way we can manage with the dcs disabilities.he said he needs to work or he will go mad at home.he wants to go back next week but I want him to give up so we can care for dcs together full time.

I feel so desperate and I need him to help me

Peachy Wed 09-Jan-13 19:21:38

Trust me, threesocks is a good guy!

Ariane5 glad you have reached a decision. It just takes one little thing doesn't it? If my Dh didn't work from home mainly I don't know how we'd manage. Stupid things like having to distribute the boys between 4 different schools to cope with different needs and then having a taxi and a collection each afternoon at EXACTLY THE SAME TIME.

Stupid stuff really, is all it takes.

take care X

aufaniae Wed 09-Jan-13 02:18:11

Oh threesocks I'm so sorry I totally misunderstood, there were some really ignorant people back there having a go at the OP and I thought you were one of them, but I can now see i got the wrong end of the stick with your post!

ICBINEG Wed 09-Jan-13 01:42:16

Anything I say will be patronising but bloody hell would I find your situation terrifying. I can't even imagine having to inect my DD. My heart goes out to you and I really hope this is a transient state of affairs and better things are around the corner for you and your family.

achillea Wed 09-Jan-13 01:04:15

I think you are right to get help from your husband. There are times when work just has to come second and you have to pull together as your children are more important.

There is lots of support around and it may be that you are not finding it (for whatever reason) but I think you need to get support from elsewhere. Have you ever applied for respite care?

ariane5 Wed 09-Jan-13 00:42:00

I was struggling before and it was hard work but dh was working and we were just about managing.some days I complained and moaned about I wish I could go back now-i thought it was hard but nothing like the situation I find myself in now sad

I hate having to inject dd2 4 times a day. I hate all the hypos she keeps having and how thin and scared she looks.she has them during the night and I cannot sleep as I fear the worst could happen.

My life before was tough but I wish I could go back and for dd2 to be well again.the health problems although worrying and upsetting were not as terrifying as they are now.

Alisvolatpropiis Wed 09-Jan-13 00:34:38

I really hope things do improve for you and your family. At the end of the day,you and your DH must do what is best for your children and your family as a whole. And nobody should judge you for that.

I know I said that you were being unreasonable initially,but only insofar as there could be other options available. But only you and your DH can decide what is right for yourselves and your children. I don't and wouldn't judge you or anyone else in the same position.

ariane5 Wed 09-Jan-13 00:21:37

I have been struggling. I was doing my best and dh was working but with dd2 now having diabetes as well its just one thing too many.

Like you said, it doesn't have to be permanent dh can return to work if and when things settle down/improve.

Alisvolatpropiis Wed 09-Jan-13 00:15:25

I am glad you have managed to reach a decision OP. It sounded as though you were struggling being the lone Carer. And as your DP works for his brother I am sure the option to work for him again will always be there.

Wish you and your family all the best.

ariane5 Wed 09-Jan-13 00:07:22

Just an update: dh and I have talked things through, tried to see if any other friends/family could help so that dh can continue to work but nobody can.

Dh will be taking next week off work too (with no paysad) and will probably be giving up work after that untill the dcs health improves or I am able to drive/cope a bit better.
He works for his brother so he will have the option to return to work at some point but for now the only real option is for the two of us to concentrate fully on dcs needs to ensure they are all cared for properly.

5madthings Tue 08-Jan-13 17:20:02

Oh phew three socks I was a bit concerned as it wasn't my place to say but I didn't want things to get heated iyswim?

I agree the op needs support, I wish I could offer some helpful advice.

threesocksmorgan Tue 08-Jan-13 17:01:19

5madthings no your ok, no need to be deleted. I am only still on this one as It is threads I am on.
I also feel the op needs support

5madthings Tue 08-Jan-13 16:47:27

I don't know what happened just that she no longer posts on sn's boards and tbh I am not sure its even my place to say that. Which is why I am happy to get my last post and this one deleted.

But I wanted aufanie to know that it is not 'because she is scared it may be catching' and I can see why three socks was upset by that comment. Equally I can see that aufanie doesn't know three socks and doesnt realize when she asked for her posts to be removed she wasn't asking for spurious, prejudiced reasons iyswim?

Its just a bit of a misunderstanding.

fuckadoodlepoopoo Tue 08-Jan-13 16:40:15

Oh! Id ask what happened but i don't suppose she wants it all dragged up again.

5madthings Tue 08-Jan-13 16:27:02

three socks has a child with sn's I think but has been burnt on the sn's board, and no longer posts there's. Sorry this was mentioned on another thread and I may have misunderstood?

If I have misunderstood or three socks wants this post removed please tell me and I will report it.

fuckadoodlepoopoo Tue 08-Jan-13 16:19:35

Threesocks. She means why did you say you wanted your posts removed if this thread was moved to sn.

Bramshott Tue 08-Jan-13 15:42:44

Could Rainbow Trust help with support and lifts to appointments? They're not necessarily just for terminally ill kids I think, but to support families whose kids have significant health probs.

threesocksmorgan Tue 08-Jan-13 15:36:05

aufaniae what the flying fuck do you mean.

ariane5 Tue 08-Jan-13 15:29:30

Iam still in control of finances yes and some attempts at repaying have now been made by his family I think after seeing me at the weekend they have realised how bad things now are.

Iam hoping it all works out.dh wants to go part time so he can help with dcs I don't know if we will manage but we are going to talk about it.

aufaniae Tue 08-Jan-13 15:23:16

Threesocks I am also wondering why you want your posts removed as you 'do not post on the SN boards'.

Are you scared you might catch SN?! hmm

I cannot fathom why someone would write such a thing?! Please enlighten us!

fuckadoodlepoopoo Tue 08-Jan-13 15:23:08

Bloody hell! Why do you think he does it? My dh has trouble saying no to his family as he seems desperate for their approval and they react very badly when they don't get their own way or if he stands up for himself. Is it like that?

Must make it so hard to trust! Are you still in control of the finances?

ariane5 Tue 08-Jan-13 15:17:25

He was yes, I ended up taking his bank/credit cards and his wages went to my account but he kept on lending to family and the last lot I found out about virtually split us up-in fact dd2 getting ill was why he came back as she was in hosp tgen when home I needed the help.

Iam hoping and praying that is the end of it and he has learnt now but I will have to keep a very close eye on things.

fuckadoodlepoopoo Tue 08-Jan-13 15:12:57

Glitter. That's the reason i left too, the ridiculous sweeping daily mail judgements and opinions. Feck knows why i came back, nothings changed.

fuckadoodlepoopoo Tue 08-Jan-13 15:10:59

Was he giving his mum money then? That's crazy when you could use that money to pay for some help!

Is it possible for you both to work part time so that you both get a break?

ICBINEG Tue 08-Jan-13 13:20:20

Well I'm very glad to hear you have made some progress! Maybe your Daughters illness will refocus your (DH's) family on what is really important for a while. It makes me so angry to think what your MIL was spending your money on while you are scrabbling to make ends meet with a DD in hospital.

I still suspect it would be foolhardy to rely on money from your DH though, shocks to the system can change things but they tend to slide back to where they were....

wishing you all the best!

ariane5 Tue 08-Jan-13 13:09:34

Yes it was me-severe probs with dh family and money but actually I got a massive apology from mil 30pounds (not much I know) off the debt and a weeks shopping after dd2 was admitted to hospital last week.

Iam hoping things improve as I do need him to help me with dcs. He's considering working part time rather than giving up as a compromise but we are not sure yet.

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