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DH to give up work and claim benefits?

(173 Posts)
ariane5 Tue 08-Jan-13 10:00:50

We have 4 dcs 11,6,3 and 8m.

All dcs have a genetic condition. Dd1 also has a heart problem and ds1 has many issues as well as genetic prob (allergies/ migraine/speech probs)
All 3 older dcs have reduced mobility and suffer pain fatigue and frequent joint dislocations.
Dd1 and ds1 receive dla.

Dd2 was also diagnosed with t1 diabetes last week.dh has been off work with no pay as I can't manage everything-the appts/physio and now inj and caring for the baby.

I don't drive and have no family who can help.up untill now dh has always worked but now I really need him here to help me with dcs-if they all have a bad day I can't manage

Dh really doesn't want to give up his job but I can't see any other way we can manage with the dcs disabilities.he said he needs to work or he will go mad at home.he wants to go back next week but I want him to give up so we can care for dcs together full time.

I feel so desperate and I need him to help me

NewYearNewNN Tue 08-Jan-13 10:40:13

Oh bums xposted. blush

Chrysanthemum5 Tue 08-Jan-13 10:40:30

I think with the benefit of hindsight there are lots of things the OP would do differently, but the children are all here now and have needs that need care.

I wouldn't ask your DH to give up work, purely because I think relying on the state right now makes your family very vulnerable. However, you do need support. I'd second contacting Home Start to see if they can help. And talking to your HV or GP to see if they can recommend any way of getting support for you.

ILoveTIFFANY Tue 08-Jan-13 10:41:14

Op.... An au pair is cheaper

Also, if he gives up work then it's no benefits for 26 weeks I think!! And even then, he will have to be searching for another if he went in jsa!

Or were you thinking he becomes a 'carer'?

ihearsounds Tue 08-Jan-13 10:42:03

Contact SS to find out what help is available.
contact homestart and hv to find out what help is available.
What type of school do the children attend? They should be able to put in referals for extra help.
Have you asked if physio can make home visits, if they wont why not, becuase they can.
There aree lots of things tthqt you can do before you ask hubby to give up work. That is a short term solution to a long term problem. Yes he might be able to get carers, but you do realise that there are changes coming to dla and carers?
If you cannot afford to pay for mumshelp or something for a few hours a week, hten this also suggests that if he gives up work you wont be in a finacially stable situation. He hass already said that he wont be able to cope being at home. This could lead to him leaving you because it does put stress onto an already stressful situation, and then how would you cope as a single parent who would be expected to look after the children and work?

ariane5 Tue 08-Jan-13 10:42:27

Most of dla currently used for transport (taxis) to all tha appts dcs have.

My sister used to help me but she has epilepsy and has not been well so can no longer help.

Maybe I should move this to sn how do I do that.I just wanted some help not to be told off.
I just want to make sure dcs have level of care they need to be safe and kept well and with me on my own they are not.

mum382013 Tue 08-Jan-13 10:43:07

i take its eds type 3? with pots?
very hard to deal with on a day to day basis

Feminine Tue 08-Jan-13 10:43:27

I understand that your children are here now etc...but why on earth did you have 4 didn't you say you knew they would inherit your disability?

Its seems you really need help and I'm sorry to hear things are so bad that you would consider living off the state confused

Please seek help from suggestions given here. smile

Good luck.

JakeBullet Tue 08-Jan-13 10:43:58

YANBU at all although I can understand your DH's reluctance.

I am a lone parent with an autistic son and recently gave up work after being employed for 30 years as I was finding it so hard. It was without doubt the best decision I have made. I am no longer exhausted all the time, DS gets support he needs from me and I can be at the school as soon as they need me if required.

All I will say is that being on benefits is not great, financially I am worse off but it's a trade off between that and constant exhaustion leading to work errors.

I would advise thinking it all through, I took 18months before deciding it was the only way of caring for my son effectively and maintaining some sanity.

Those of you flaming the OP need to wind your necks in.....try being in her shoes before hoiking up the judgey pants.

You DO know that accidents happen don't you? Don't be so judgemental.

JakeBullet Tue 08-Jan-13 10:44:55

Oh and fwiw when I did make the decision to give up work I didn't face any sanctions.....even the DWP could see why I was doing it.

akaemmafrost Tue 08-Jan-13 10:45:24

She's got four dc, she can't give them back. Asking why she had them is utterly pointless and judgemental. I am sure she loves her kids as much as any of you love yours and would not wish them not to be here. None of you have any right to ask that question. They are her CHILDREN and probably pretty happy to be here themselves.

Eg. "OPs dc, your parents had you and passed on a genetic condition to you, do you wish they hadn't bothered?". What do you imagine their answer will be?

They are here and they are children and asking that is a disgusting question to ask. There is also at least one poster on this thread whose history could mean they could be asked why THEY had so many dc in their circumstances.

My ds was being investigated for ASD which has a possible genetic component when I became pregnant with my second child. Anyone going to ask me the same?

mum382013 Tue 08-Jan-13 10:45:31

its really hard to sort out all the appointments, i have been juggling appointments myself this morning, 3 in one day often happens, but at least i can drive. xxxxxxxxxxxx

AmberLeaf Tue 08-Jan-13 10:45:53

OP click on 'report' on your post and in the box that comes up ask MNHQ to move your thread into special needs section.

You need advice not judgement which is on the whole what you will get in AIBU.

squeakytoy Tue 08-Jan-13 10:46:03

Bad form for looking back at a posters history or not, it does help put a bit of perspective to a thread.

I would certainly not be looking further into ivf treatment.

I am also confused, as previously you were a single parent with 3 children, so is your husband the father of the fourth child as well? I ask this as it would be even more unreasonable for you to expect him to give up his job.

ariane5 Tue 08-Jan-13 10:46:16

Yes eds 3 with pots she has awful problems and just collapses.

mum382013 Tue 08-Jan-13 10:46:36

support is what you need, not being asked why she had 4. not helpful

PootlePosyPerkin Tue 08-Jan-13 10:47:31

Putting aside the issue of whether or not it was wise to have four children in the circumstances, I can totally understand why you want the extra help & support of your DH at home with you.

It must be very difficult coping with the severe ill-health of one child, let alone four whilst you have health problems yourself. I understand why, as a human being in a less than great situation, you need help.

However, jobs are hard to come by at the moment and the reality is that benefits do not make you rich (or even comfortable financially). Is it possible that being so much worse off financially each month could actually make things harder for you as a family?

I honestly would not judge your DH for giving up work to help care for the children - I can completely see how full-time care for four disabled/ill children would require two people (especially when those two people have health problems of their own).

Have you discussed this properly as a couple? You need to be entirely sure that you will manage on benefits & that your DH even wants to be a full-time Carer (not everyone can or does). If this were my family, I think I would prefer for either one of us to work full-time and keep the money coming in or for both of us to work part-time and be SAHP part-time. I think that if I had four DC who are going through lots of pain, illness, hospital appointments etc. I would want to be able to afford to treat them sometimes - IME benefits barely pay the essential bills.

Best of luck with it OP. I genuinely wish you & your family well.

5madthings Tue 08-Jan-13 10:47:36

Op to get your thread moved report it and ask mnhq, I am sure they will oblige smile

threesocksmorgan Tue 08-Jan-13 10:47:42

wow mn is weird flaming you.
I think a lot of people don't realise how hard it is to look after one ill/disabled child let alone 3

mum382013 Tue 08-Jan-13 10:47:45

mine does too sad thought i recognised the symptoms. have you got good consultants support? Dr Ninis at st marys paddington is fab for pots

fuckadoodlepoopoo Tue 08-Jan-13 10:48:22

Jesus Christ some of the responses on this thread! Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves!

Ephiny Tue 08-Jan-13 10:49:01

I think it would be a bad idea to give up work. Living on benefits is a pretty uncertain lifestyle choice, you never know how the rules and amounts may change in the future, and it can be very difficult to get back into work after a period of unemployment.

threesocksmorgan Tue 08-Jan-13 10:49:14

if mn hq do move your thread, please make sure any post by me are removed first, I don't post in the sn topic

Alisvolatpropiis Tue 08-Jan-13 10:49:32

YABU. Sorry but you are.

I can see why you want him to though. I think speaking to a health visitor and getting some kind of care plan/home help might be very beneficial.

Vagaceratops Tue 08-Jan-13 10:49:58

I think some people have got their judgy pants on so tight its effecting the blood flow to their heads.

YANBU for him to want to give his job up OP, you must be bloody exhausted.

I really think you should post on the SN board, you will get support there rather than a flaming.

Chubfuddler Tue 08-Jan-13 10:50:25

Giving up paid employment to live on benefits, even with the very justified reasons you have, is a terrible idea in this economic climate. Asking your husband to do so when he doesn't want to and to do so would compound the stress you are both under is madness.

You need more assistance but it doesn't have to he from your husband. As your children are so young your HV should be first point of co tact.

Is there a charity related to the specific genetic disorder that could help you?

And I agree you should get this thread moved to SN.

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