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DH to give up work and claim benefits?

(173 Posts)
ariane5 Tue 08-Jan-13 10:00:50

We have 4 dcs 11,6,3 and 8m.

All dcs have a genetic condition. Dd1 also has a heart problem and ds1 has many issues as well as genetic prob (allergies/ migraine/speech probs)
All 3 older dcs have reduced mobility and suffer pain fatigue and frequent joint dislocations.
Dd1 and ds1 receive dla.

Dd2 was also diagnosed with t1 diabetes last week.dh has been off work with no pay as I can't manage everything-the appts/physio and now inj and caring for the baby.

I don't drive and have no family who can help.up untill now dh has always worked but now I really need him here to help me with dcs-if they all have a bad day I can't manage

Dh really doesn't want to give up his job but I can't see any other way we can manage with the dcs disabilities.he said he needs to work or he will go mad at home.he wants to go back next week but I want him to give up so we can care for dcs together full time.

I feel so desperate and I need him to help me

Hammy02 Tue 08-Jan-13 10:28:05

vinegar I was going to say exactly the same thing. I can't believe anyone would do that.

mummywithnosleep Tue 08-Jan-13 10:29:19

This is totally the wrong board for this subject op. You are going to get flammed and get no practical support or advice.

Can you ask for this to be moved to Special Needs?

What you are going through is very difficult and there is not going to be a one fit solution.

CloudsAndTrees Tue 08-Jan-13 10:30:00

If you weren't managing before, then why did you choose to bring a fourth child into that, especially knowing that s/he is likely to have a genetic condition.

Sorry to be harsh, but that does sound selfish.

Fakebook Tue 08-Jan-13 10:30:42

Is breast feeding the only thing holding you back from taking a part time job to get out of the house? You can express or start bottle feeding to make things easier for yourself. Share the load of work between yourself and your DH.

aufaniae Tue 08-Jan-13 10:30:46

OP, I really think AIBU is the wrong place to post. You will get a load of arseholes agressive people who just want a fight flaming you, and I suspect it could end up bing quite upsetting.

They'll tell you it's all your own fault for having 4 kids, but really, what's the point in saying that? The kids exist now, what you're asking is for advice on what to do with your current situation, not whether you should have made the choices you did in before! You can't change the past!

If you genuinely want advice I suggest you post on the SN board or somewhere kinder.

And please, remember you don't need to justify yourself to anyone here. We are just randoms on the internet!

ILoveTIFFANY Tue 08-Jan-13 10:30:46

So you knew that all four children would inherit this illness you both have.... And that it would be MORE severe for them??

I'm speechless at that alone.....

fuckadoodlepoopoo Tue 08-Jan-13 10:31:18

I can understand him not wanting to give up work as he'd go crazy at home . . . but you must also be going crazy at home! Dealing with all that is so hard and it seems unfair that its all on you.

Is there any way you can get a break from it? A part time job perhaps with a nanny? Or would a nanny who would be willing to deal with all of the issues be impossible to find?

I realise you might not earn enough to cover the childcare but it might help save your sanity.

CheCazzo Tue 08-Jan-13 10:31:22

I'm so glad you've been asked shy on earth - just WHY - you had 4 children knowing you were passing on a lifetime of ill health. Why would you do that to them and yourself? Please explain to help me understand.

Nancy66 Tue 08-Jan-13 10:31:48

The fact is the OP HAS four children - so scolding her for a decision she can't reverse isn't very helpful.

sleepyhead Tue 08-Jan-13 10:32:12

What on earth is the point of questioning the op's decision (if it was one, contraception does fail etc etc) to have her children?

They are here now! She can't exactly send them back hmm.

Op, in light of your previous threads this sounds like it would be a really bad idea. Your relationship is shakey at best and iirc your dh works for his brother and has issues with letting down his family - he's never going to go for it.

aufaniae Tue 08-Jan-13 10:33:09

ILoveTIFFANY you're having a go at a family who are struggling with disabilities. Nice. hmm

quoteunquote Tue 08-Jan-13 10:34:00

hmm at some of the responses,

I think you need to get your HV round, and have a chat, get advice on putting a care plan together for each child, if done should highlight the areas which need extra energy.

You do need help, so that the children are getting the help that they need, one person is unlikely to be able to meet four children with disabilities needs,

I doubt your husband giving up work will end well, you will find it hard to maintain a relationship and be working together 24hr a day, It can be very stressful, even when it's not dealing your own children,

are you getting any respite?

strumpetpumpkin Tue 08-Jan-13 10:35:02

I think I would claim DLA for the children and use the money to help pay for a carer/nanny

ariane5 Tue 08-Jan-13 10:35:10

With dd1 we had no idea there were genetic probs they tested dh (as he has some symptoms) after dd dx.ds1 being ill caused them to check again biopsy dh etc they said it was 50-50 chance. Dd2 was born with joints was then we found out I had same condition (I'm not as bad as dcs buts with both of us having it dcs are really poorly).
Ds2 not planned but that's another story.

The main concern in my mind is not will I be better/worse off.

Not am I right/wrong to have had 4 disabled dcs/claim benefits for this but can I meet their need/keep them safe on my own-and I can't I know if for example dd1 collapes I have the others as well to look after, sometimes dd1 uses a wheelchair yet others still have double buggy as can't walk far I can't push them all I don't know how I can manage.

In hindsight yes 4 dcs with problems too many but I can't go back in time can I.

zeeboo Tue 08-Jan-13 10:35:30

I'll answer the OP later but to be fair I have a genetic condition and we now know that 3 of the 4 definitely have it and the 4th probably will.
We didnt find out about the condition until after I'd had the 4th which triggered it in me and now the kids disabilities are becoming obvious.
It's not always as simple as knowing in advance and planning a family size around disability.

mindosa Tue 08-Jan-13 10:35:57

It wouldnt be wise to try and deny him the dignity of work and being at the mercy of the state is not a good position to be in, in the current climate.

I appreciate that you must find it terribly hard with the children and their various conditions but you probably need to try and get on top of your entitlements so I would contact your local HV first and go from there.

I would also contact a relevant charity and see if you can get some respite hours.

Your baby is 8 months so I would consider weaning to the bottle if you are finding that very time consuming.

TinyDancingHoofer Tue 08-Jan-13 10:36:12

YABU! And ridiculously irresponsible to have so many children when you can't even manage your own needs. You decided to have children and chances are you knew they would have this genetic condition so i kind of think you should suck it up.

yellowsheep Tue 08-Jan-13 10:37:21

Dh friend gave up work to be the carer for disabled son. They have a large family and he could register as the carer as he and his wife also had children under 5

There marriage has struggled significantly since he is at home all day and he resents his wife for that decision financially they are better off but emotionally they most certainly are not...

PutOnAHappyFace Tue 08-Jan-13 10:37:21

I have a DC with a genetic condition which has meant we wouldnt have more and watch them suffer so yes I do feel strongly like a few other posters about why OP has had 4.

Might not be the place to pull op up on this but it does cause a strong reaction in some people.

ILoveTIFFANY Tue 08-Jan-13 10:37:39

No I'm asking a question!

Because I was wondering what you were thinking of regarding a coping strategy whilst expecting these children, and how it differs to the position op is now in!!

For example... Had you planned on having Au pair? Had you thought a family member might help or a friend... Has the planned set up now changed?

5madthings Tue 08-Jan-13 10:37:39

There is no point questioning why she has four children and frankly its not anyones business but the op's.

As for saying she shouldn't have had them because they would have son's/genetic condition, who is anyone to judge?

Op I really think you will get better advice/support on the special needs boards.

I hope someone has some good ideas, I think HV is first port of call and if you have a social worker for the children?

purrpurr Tue 08-Jan-13 10:37:45

I also don't understand why you had 4 children. Are you planning to have more?

I thought DLA was to help contribute towards living costs - as two of your children have been awarded DLA, can you not combine these payments and use them to pay for a carer to come in a few times a week? What are these payments currently being used for?

If the true issue is that you are unable to cope, it may be more beneficial for you to return to a full-time role, and your DH should become the full-time carer. I know you said something about him feeling he'd go mad staying at home, which is really nice for him to say to you when you're the one stuck there, isn't it? Maybe you're going mad. Maybe you need the luxury of escaping to a job that lets you, I don't know, have a wee occasionally without having to worry, or sit and enjoy a nice cup of tea and a magazine at lunch.

You can't just give it all up and live on the state. It doesn't work like that.

NewYearNewNN Tue 08-Jan-13 10:38:49

I really think you should ask for this thread to be moved out of AIBU as you will get a lot of responses like ^^.

TinyDancingHoofer Tue 08-Jan-13 10:39:22

Maybe i came across a bit harsh. I think you can manage but you are just finding it hard. Sometimes life gets hard, especially when having to deal with shitty health stuff but your husband quitting work is not a solution.

Can you get respite care?

NewYearNewNN Tue 08-Jan-13 10:39:46

I mean TinyDancingHoofers btw.

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