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Wwyd? Violence and ASD

(10 Posts)
Checkers88 Tue 16-Jun-20 09:16:47

I’ve NC for this.

My brother is 21 years old (let’s call him H) and long time diagnosed as severely autistic, to the extent that he will never live independently. He usually lives with my father and stepmum and attends a special college for people with disabilities, but since lockdown he has been at my mothers with her and my 18 year old (neurotypical) brother.

In the past my parents have let slip that H has attacked them physically since he’s been in his late teens. He threw my dad across the room, broke my stepmums finger (I didn’t learn about this until very recently and was pretty shocked), smashed stuff at my mums and also threw her across the room. This tends to happen apparently when his routine is disrupted or it’s worst if someone says no to him. He is a big guy, 6 foot and very heavyset- my dad and brother can physically handle him but my mum is tiny.

My mum has now confided in me that this weekend H tried to strangle her and had her in a headlock because she refused to turn off the tv when he wanted her to. My younger brother restrained him and got him off but is apparently very upset (as is H) . My mum is minimising it but the strangling is very disturbing to me. His physical violence is clearly escalating.

I know that it’s not his fault, and I know that lockdown must be so difficult for disabled people who rely on routine. I’m just very concerned about them all really. What do I do about this? I’ve tried talking to mum about the seriousness but she minimises and says she can’t “reject” him. But what happens next time?

I’m really, really worried about my mum.

OP’s posts: |
Greysparkles Tue 16-Jun-20 09:20:02

Does he have a social worker?
Get in touch with adult social care, I don't know the answer but I think it's best if you seek help.
Its not safe for your mum, and I can understand that she doesn't want to reject him. It must be awful for her

UnprodigalDaughter Tue 16-Jun-20 09:20:22

Look, people who have no experience of asd are going to be commenting offering their ignorance and their platitudes.

Report your post and be moved to the special needs section.

Fwiw, it sounds like your brother of stressed beyond coping at the moment. This will impact the whole family. What does he need to regulate that he doesn't have at the moment? Can it be reinstated?

x2boys Tue 16-Jun-20 09:32:02

Completely agree Unprodigal ,reading a similar thread this week really upset me as the parent of a child with severe autism and learning disabilities,the blase attitude of just give your child up comments .

Michelleoftheresistance Tue 16-Jun-20 09:36:28

No advice, just much sympathy flowers

Two members of my family have ASD and both can become physically very aggressive when overwhelmed, one has quite regularly hurt other family members, and it's that awful balance between trying to meet what they need and remember that they're not in control of it, while also seeing other family members with a right not to be hurt or frightened in their home, or to have to live around trying not to trigger an aggressive outburst.

The lack of support particularly at the moment and all the additional stresses makes it additionally so much harder.

Felifox Tue 16-Jun-20 09:37:23

Contact your db's social worker as well as your db's dr. Support for adults like your db is an essential and we're getting near three months which is a long time to have his support withdrawn.

Justwannabe1 Tue 16-Jun-20 10:14:48

So sorry to hear this and you are right to be concerned about the safety of your mum.

As a mother to a child with ASD and ADHD it’s the physical outburst/meltdowns which is hardest to cope with. I spend so much time worrying what the future may hold as my child gets larger!

I think the others are right, help is needed! Make the call. Is there also any local groups that offer support. We have a local group who are amazing even if it’s just a phone call and can offer advise.

Is he more visual? Perhaps a timer in future to count down the remaining time left on the TV ? I know he’s not a child but he still woke benefit from routine and knowing what’s coming. Best of luck to you all 💝💝

Checkers88 Tue 16-Jun-20 12:22:16

I don’t know if he has a social worker. My dad seems to manage him usually with a very strict routine/boundaries and I think my mum is more lenient, but it’s not doing H any good seemingly. She’s really downplaying what happened. I guess I want to understand if physical violence escalates in the same way as it does with NT abusive people- I had read that strangling is a huge predictor that someone will kill you. It terrifies me. I don’t want to breach my mums trust but it just can’t carry on as is, even one incident like that is too much. My young dd also visited them last week. I feel like she can’t go there anymore.

OP’s posts: |
x2boys Tue 16-Jun-20 12:51:24

Whilst strangling is hugely worrying I don't think you can compare the violence with somebody who doesn't have disabilities ,as your brother doesn't have the cognitive ability to know what's he's doing is wrong,is he verbal?Other than the pandemic and everyone's lives being upside down could there be another reason why his violence has escalated? Is he in pai,constipated etc?it does sound like there needs to be an urgent review of his needs ,which professionals are involved in his care they need to alerted to what's going on

x2boys Tue 16-Jun-20 12:52:46


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