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9 y.o daughter is not normal!! What's wrong please help!(59 Posts)
Hi everyone, I'm Erin and I'm new to MN.
Thought to post on here because I'm having a lot of issues parenting my 9 y.o daughter.
Since she was 2 n a half I've sensed something wasn't quite right w her, but i thought it was just quirkiness and a strong personality..
Here are some things that concern me about my daughter (for context)
School refusal: gets violent whenever her dad and i try and take her to school, screams, swears and i remember once when she was 6 she screamed out the car window 'this woman is kidnapping me!' (Referring to me, her mum) and obviously that attracted strangers attention. I asked her why she did this & she said so that someone can rescue her from going to school. I dont know whats going on w her at school but this has been going on since she was 3 - she’d have violent outbursts whenever i took her to nursery.
School has concerns about her: she’s apparently disruptive in lessons, always blurting things out, impatient, gets out of her seat and walks/runs around during lessons , unfocused, gets very annoyed whenever another child takes her ‘seat’ (even tho they don’t have allocated seats but she always wants to keep everything the same ) , v disorganised, never turns work on in time even if she does it she forgets it at home , time management issues (takes hours to get her ideas down on paper ), panics at lunchtime and has meltdowns , doesn’t have many friends and keeps to herself a lot , (when she tries to socialise other kids don’t want to because she can be quite rigid about playing and comes across rude or bossy ) she’s in detention a lot for being disruptive.
Things that I don’t think are normal for a kid her age that she does : has to touch everything 3 times, has weird rituals like lining all her toys up before bed which takes hours and she won’t sleep if they’re not done ‘properly’ , has to close every single door and if it doesn’t make a certain sound she panics (this isn’t normal, right!?), asks ‘mummy are you proud of me’ or ‘mummy do you love me’ or ‘is daddy happy w my report’ all the time, even tho we tell her every day that we love her and are proud of her! , she’s obsessed with airplanes, and I mean OBSESSED. She spends most her free time watching air crash investigations on the TV and creating her own theories as to why they crashed , she also loves medical and crime tv shows and loves to learn about diseases and the human body... not necessarily bad things but this is usually what she talks about with the kids in her class so they find her ‘weird’ and don’t want to be friends with her ..
She’s a control freak: if one thing about her routine changes (eg: taking the tube instead of the bus on a school trip) she FREAKS OUT. Any last minute changes wreck havoc w her... she cannot stand room changes at school either or changes to lunch . She will not touch certian things like cream (the texture bothers her) so as a result she has extremely dry skin .. if i tell her I’m picking her up from school at 3 and arrive at 3:02 (literally) she has a massive meltdown and says I lied to her!!
Also : she never goes swimming with school because she hates the smell of chlorine and getting her hair Wet , she also said ‘I don’t want to wear a swim suit because Im fat’ .. she isn’t fat at All! She’s actually underweight because her diet is so restricted (again, problems w texture of food) so I’m worried she’s seeing herself incorrectly or in a distorted way .. also whenever we plan family day outs and picnics to the park she won’t come because she’s worried about ‘contracting Lyme disease from a black legged tick’ her own words!! Heck, when I was 9, I didn’t even know what Lyme disease was! (Still don’t know much about it!)
Sleep: she doesn’t sleep at night bc she’s scared of the dark and has to keep her light on , most nights at 2am she comes down to me and her dad and keeps asking us ‘when I die will it be pitch black’ or ‘when I die will I hallucinate’ and I know to a certain extent talking about death when ur 9 is normal but her questions are just.. odd! She sometimes gets nightmares as well , usually about being drowned or kidnapped (horrible , I know ) and she grinds her teeth super loudly in her sleep , as well as being unable to stay still and she trashed around the bed.. GP said it sounds like anxiety but I’m not convinced
Hyperactivity: she’s always on the go , always talking , moving, jumping around , and basically doesn’t sit still or concentrate . Getting her to do homework is a NIGHTMARE.
Sorry this is so long , but I’m super worried about her. Sometimes she even says ‘mummy I wish I was dead’ and this is a recent thing she’s been saying (a few months) and I don’t know what’s going on but I’m so scared for her mental health. please can someone help , is she just a difficult attention seeking kid or is something wrong? My gut intuition is something is v wrong w my little girl.
Thanks for reading
I would go to your GP with all your concerns and request a referral to a paediatrician or to CAMHS. I would also have a chat with school SENDCo and teacher about all your concerns and what they are putting in place to support - perhaps referral to advisory teacher or Educational Psychologist. I find that unless you push things move very slowly. I would also look at a referral to an occupational therapist who specialises in sensory processing. It could be that there isn’t anything to worry about but better to get your concerns addressed now.
Lorisparkle- thanks so much for your reply! I took her to GP a couple weeks ago who said she has an anxiety disorder. I read up on anxiety and she definitely has this but the other behaviours aren't making any sense as they don't fall under anxiety .. i'm considering she might have ADHD .. school suggested possible adhd as she's so hyper. I'll ask for a referral when i next see GP, thank you so much x
It does sound like there are lots going on and many of the specific difficulties such as ADHD, ASD, OCD, sensory difficulties, anxiety, etc do overlap. Whilst I am not saying she has ASD it might be worth googling ‘The girl with the curly hair’. It is an organisation that may have some resources that help.
She has lots of red flags for ASD. CAMHS wait lists for ASD can be awful. You can pay to have a private one. I would seriously consider doing this asap.
Loisparkle- thanks again, I don't know much about ASD But it's worth checking out so thank you so much x
WildestFlower- thank you for your reply! I don't know much about ASD at all, aside from my friend who has an Asperger's son (he's 16 & nothing like my Daughter , but every child is different).. is there anything specific that made you think ASD? I was thinking more ADHD, so I'm not so sure but thank you xx
Have a look at this link - it explains why your dayghter - if she does have ASD - could be presenting in a very different way to your friend’s son.
Sounds like shes dealing with maybe asd, adhd or pda, combined with stressful school environment. Sounds like shes having a hard time, and i definitely think she needs assessing promptly so the right support can be accessed.
SweetCakesBiscuit - thank you so much, after reading that link it seems she could definitely be on the spectrum x
Your dd needs proper assessment and investigation.
1) The school need to get an Educational Psychologist in to assess her. The Ed psych will do lots of tests on different thinking skills and abilities and provide guidance for the school and you on how to support her education.
2) you also need a referral to CAMHS* services for both neurodevelopmental assessment (which will look for things like ASD and ADHD) and also a mental health assessment, which would look at things like anxiety and low mood.
It's really common for kids to have more than one thing going on at the same time (e.g. Autism and anxiety).
what we call CAMHS is different in different NHS trust areas. It may well be called something else, and it may be that different types and levels of need are catered for by completely separate organisations. Don't take your GP's word as gospel re: local services. The ones near me routinely refer to the wrong services, give misleading information about wait times (both over-optimistic and over-pessimistic) and occasionally give advice to parents which contravenes NICE guidelines. Do some of your own research about what the services are in your area, and *don't be scared to ring them up and ask them directly about what services they provide, what their wait time are and how to get referred in.
What did the GP say about the anxiety? What help and advice did they offer?
For further information look on the National Autistic Society website. They are reputable.
Your dd is exhibiting quite a few signs of anxiety, so I think your GP is probably not wrong about that, but it does sound as though there may be other underlying issues also. (potentially causing the anxiety)
Branleuse- thank you for your reply. GP has referred her to CAMHS so we are on the waiting list x
SexNotJenga - thank you so much for your helpful reply. GP has referred us to CAMHS but the waiting list is very long and GP said we might need to get her assessed privately. I've also got her an appointment with the EdPsych (privately) next week so he can assess her and see if there is any underlying academic issues which might be causing her problems.
GP said that she's presenting with general anxiety disorder , gave her some leaflets about relaxation but that's pretty much it!
Again, thank you so much for your advice xx
How is she doing academically? secondary school is right round the corner as well.
Call camhs yourself.
1) check they have received the referral (admin can answer that one - then ask to speak to a camhs clinician for some telephone advice)
2) check that they are the right service for the issues your dd is presenting with
3) ask about the waiting list
4) ask for specific strategies to help her
It might be a lengthy chat so try to make sure you're somewhere quiet, and make notes on the conversation as you go.
There is a book called something like "Overcoming Your Child's Fears and Worries" by Willetts & Creswell that I would recommend. It's readable and explains a lot about anxiety and has very clear strategies to use.
Shimy- academically her work is fine but the issue is that she cannot concentrate enough to finish anything ... She's very intelligent but she's extremely unmotivated at school .. says everything's boring. X
SexNotJenga - thank you so much! I'll call CAMHS today and hopefully get their advice on how to move forward. The book Sounds really helpful, thanks again xx
Sounds like autism and ocd. Have school not flagged concerns. What did nursery say at 3?
Zzzzz- thanks for your reply! Nursery thought she was just anxious and difficult- school thinks ADHD xx
So have you refused assessment before now or moved schools or something? There’s a legal requirement for school to identify Sen, so it seems odd they haven’t suggested assessment before.
No we never refused assessment - they never brought up assessment they just suggested she may have ADHD.
I think I’d ask them (school) to organise an EP assessment in school to help “them” support her, and to give you a better understanding of what she’s finding difficult.
It seems awful that difficulties where seen at 3 but no staff have sort help for her.
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