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Not coping

(34 Posts)
starryeyed19 Tue 11-Dec-18 17:30:53

I was wondering if anyone on the boards had signed a Section 20 or said to social services that they couldn’t cope with their child anymore?

I’d be grateful to hear other people’s experiences, positive or negative.

I’m increasingly unable to cope with my son’s behaviour and school are not coping either. We’re in the process of applying for residential school but it’s going to take five months or so at least

Thanks in advance

Lesley25 Tue 11-Dec-18 18:39:32

I just wanted to hand hold.

Sirzy Tue 11-Dec-18 18:58:50

I haven’t but couldn’t read and run. Hope someone can come along to give some advice soon x

starryeyed19 Tue 11-Dec-18 19:10:45

Thank you. Hand holds are most welcome. I don't know what the best way forward is

theuntameableshrew Wed 12-Dec-18 19:31:37

I have phoned social services in despair and said if my DS keeps on being as violent as he is I will take him to A and E and leave him there. This was after weeks of violence and also one of older DS’s recovering from major surgery

Thankfully the longer DS has been out of school the camera he has become but I understand a little of how you can teach a point where things are just so so hard

flowers for you

theuntameableshrew Wed 12-Dec-18 19:32:37

Sorry I should read before posting!

SaltPans Wed 12-Dec-18 22:38:24

Yes, we told SS we could not cope anymore, and we wanted DC taken into care. SS refused! They did however offer more support and respite.

starryeyed19 Thu 13-Dec-18 08:26:47

I'm not sure if it would be cheaper for them to take my son into residential school or a care home then pay for the amount of care we're getting at the minute.

I think he needs the consistency of one place and one set of people. But I'm seeing our social worker today and feel like I need to have come to a decision. But at the moment, he's sleeping well and so am I and his behaviour isn't TOO bad.

Do I just need more help in getting through the bad patches or am I deluding myself at the minute? My gut is still telling me that he needs another type of environment.

I thought I had made a decision but now I'm not so sure

SaltPans Thu 13-Dec-18 11:09:47

Well, its like asking how long is a piece of string! If things are so bad, that you are considering asking SS for a S 20 arrangement; then I suggest you consider residential schools, where as you say, there would be consistency across 24 hours between school and the care home.

It depends on what his needs are; but if you are struggling to cope, then they might be quite specialist and a generic care home may not have the expertise and input from say speech and language therapists, OTs, physios, clinical psychologists, educational psychologists, etc to learn how to handle him, that may be available to all the staff in a residential school?

The chances are though that the situation at home will get worse, if he has challenging behaviour, as he gets bigger. Eventually, you may be so desperate, you agree to any placement - far better to look around now, and choose what you think will best meet his needs, than get pushed into something unsuitable, because you or DH/DP are having carer breakdown. (The LA will probably go for the cheapest option, because they don't tend to think long term, or about the social and emotional costs of placements, breaking down.

What you don't want to end up with, is an ATU! Far better to choose a specialist placement now, and don't worry about how much it costs, because you have enough problems by the sound of it! ATUs are very expensive and don't provide any assessment or treatment, afaik! You are the only people with the family's best interests at heart!

starryeyed19 Thu 13-Dec-18 12:10:28

We are in the process of applying to residential schools but it's not likely to happen until April, at the earliest. I'm not sure I can wait that long

SaltPans Thu 13-Dec-18 12:48:47

Unless the school does not have a place until then, increase the pressure on the LA! They can make decisions and get a contract in place, in a matter of days or a few weeks, if they want!

starryeyed19 Thu 13-Dec-18 19:47:23

I think the school doesn't have a place until then. There are two students transferring in before then. I'm hoping that we'll get the place for April but if someone else gets approved first...

I don't know how it all works tbh. And there's still a lot of ifs before then

I really appreciate the support on this thread. We're having a really hard time of it and it's nice to hear from someone that I'm not just trying to get rid of my son. So, thank you

SaltPans Fri 14-Dec-18 09:01:12

I have heard from other parents, the violence they have suffered from DC - nobody could cope with that 24/7, especially with no training in restraint, nor a woman on her own!

Others, it’s being woken up all night! Nobody can live on no sleep!

starryeyed19 Fri 14-Dec-18 15:12:57

So, he was temporarily excluded from school today. He can go back on Thursday 😫

danni0509 Tue 18-Dec-18 19:13:50

Bless you starry how's things been the last few days? How you coping having ds full time not in school thanks

starryeyed19 Wed 19-Dec-18 23:24:28

It's not been great. He was a bit under the weather the first two days but bounced back to full strength today and has been flooding the kitchen and living room, weeing on the floor, refusing to leave the car amongst other things. And lots of hitting. Back at school tomorrow, hopefully. I have to go in for a reintegration meeting. But it's the Christmas holidays from this weekend onwards and he doesn't go back until 8th Jan. I'm dreading it already.

Thank you for checking in x

starryeyed19 Fri 21-Dec-18 20:33:15

I genuinely don't know what to do anymore. My son was out with his Carers and was having a meltdown and someone called the police. He's home now and everyone is OK but the Christmas holidays haven't even started yet and the police have already come out.

danni0509 Fri 21-Dec-18 22:46:41

Bless you starry. I genuinely feel for you, it can be so hard to parent dc with SN.

How old is ds?

starryeyed19 Sat 22-Dec-18 09:50:49

He is a very tall nine year old. Who is being very cute and giggly this morning. Which is nice. smile

danni0509 Sat 22-Dec-18 09:58:10

My ds is a tall 5 year and can be bloody hard work especially during a meltdown you are literally helpless aren't you, I can't imagine it when he's twice the size. I really take my hat off to you.

I'm so pleased your having a little rest this morning hope the good mood continues for as long as possible!

Does your ds understand Christmas?

starryeyed19 Sat 22-Dec-18 10:07:18

I think he gets the present side of things. He's been saying "Father Christmas" a lot this morning.

I'm just tired and a bit under the weather and it makes everything 500 times harder to deal with. The relentlessness of it all wears me out sometimes. Especially when he is at home all day. I can't always keep up. But we're taking it slowly this morning so fingers crossed

ginpink Sat 22-Dec-18 23:08:31

Oh Starry, you sound like an amazing person who is dealing with such a tough situation. I don't know about this process I'm afraid but couldn't read and run. I can tell just from reading your post how caring you are and which ever decision you make will be out of love and the best for everyone.

Do you have any family support network!? thankscakewine you get flowers cake, wine and hugs from me Xxx

danni0509 Mon 24-Dec-18 22:02:11

Hope your ok starry.

Merry Christmas. X

starryeyed19 Fri 11-Jan-19 17:02:45

Thank you for all your wishes. Christmas holidays got mega hard and I just kind of burrowed into the sand and waited for it to be over.

He's been back at school for a few days now and is doing much better at school; actually getting into the classroom and doing some learning but I can't deal with him at home anymore. I don't have any resources left to deal with him. We sat in the car for two hours yesterday because he refused to leave it.

We have another panel coming up on Monday where hopefully we should have a decision about residential school but the school we identified no longer has a place at Easter time as it's been given to another child. So, even if he does get the funding approved, it'll still be another four-five months minimum before anything happens and I can't do this for that long. Or longer.

My only options apparently are to hand him over to Children's Services and effectively put him into care or keep waiting on county and the panel and the school and all the planets and stars to align. I feel like I am breaking apart inside. I can't send him away to strangers, potentially halfway across the country. I've been told he might not stay local and would have to go where a space is. But equally, I can't do this anymore. I can't

Lesley25 Fri 11-Jan-19 17:35:08

See what Monday brings. You’re nearly there and everyone will see you’re hanging on by your fingernails.
If a space becomes available in another county you must look at it. It could be the best thing.
You know you cannot continue as you are. You have waited long enough. Let this weekend go Monday will bring answers. And if not youbtell eveeyone thatbtour option is only social services and care left. If you’re hospitalised because you can’t cope that’s a huge issue.
Just get through this weekend. I’m hand holding here. You will get change and it will be a damn sight better then this.

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