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Feeling a useless sn mum horrible self pity alert

(30 Posts)
autumnsmum Wed 06-Feb-13 18:43:02

Hi sorry everyone my situation isn't nearly as severe as some of you but I feel a total failure .So many of you do so much with your dcs and all I seem to be doing at the mo is leaving dd playing iPad .i just feel such a failure at being a sn mum having two children on the spectrum is harder than I ever imagined sorry for rant but all friends in real life have moved away and dp has depression and agoraphobia thanks if you've read this far

zzzzz Wed 06-Feb-13 18:51:59

Have long bath, watch a movie, and plan something for tomorrow. <whispers I am often crap for long periods of time>

If you tell me ages and what sort of things you all like doing we will all make suggestions for mn compatible intervention. wink

Honk honk, honestly totally normal!

Crawling Wed 06-Feb-13 18:52:57

Aww dont beat yourself up so much some days im lucky just to make it through. You have a lot on your plate I empathise with that its hard to juggle so much. When did you last have a bit of time for you? We all need a break sometimes.

autumnsmum Wed 06-Feb-13 18:55:48

Thanks for reply my ds is eight and has high functioning autism and my dd is 3.4 and has autism at a level where she is being statemented and special school is being considered she has some speech but I feel lost with her

starlightmckenzie Wed 06-Feb-13 18:56:43

Hi autumnsmum, Have you seen me here before?

Inaflap Wed 06-Feb-13 18:57:48

You can't be Crap Mum. I'm Crap Mum! Honestly, we all feel like this, well I do frequently and one asd was hard so huge respect to you with two and very little support. Give yourself a break. You are amazing and your children and partner lucky to have you.

starlightmckenzie Wed 06-Feb-13 19:01:23

It doesn't matter if you have or haven't, but the point is I LIVE here, which means I can't possibly be furthering the treatement/education of my children, despite it being after school and them not in bed.

I have ideas, I do things, I have bursts of activity. It makes a difference. Sometimes I do nothing at all for days on end. Sometimes it means my children are engaged in very unrpoductive activities, sometimes they surprise me and their boredom leads to something amazing or interaction I didn't think they were capable of and I didn't engineer.

I tell myself every day that I will do better tomorrow. Sometimes I do, mostly I don't.

But each day is a new day, and a new opportunity, and life is life. Love your children. That's your first goal. If you achieve that you have done more than 50% of your work and you can be proud of yourself.

starlightmckenzie Wed 06-Feb-13 19:02:39

Oh and don't be fooled by posts on here. Lots of us have ideas and report things that we have done. Doesn't mean we spend all our time doing them though.

inappropriatelyemployed Wed 06-Feb-13 19:03:53

I can only repeat what the others are saying. Long baths are my treat. It sounds really sad but I set myself up with Mad Men on my ipad and lie there. Then I get out, and try and get an early night.

Otherwise it is a very large glass of wine or 2! grin

Do what makes you feel better and we put so much energy into sorting things out for our kids that leaving them for a bit on an iPad or computer is the least of our worries!

A life less ordinary.....chart your own course and try not to feel guilty about anything. We do our best.

Toughasoldboots Wed 06-Feb-13 19:08:03

Ipad is educational, it's always being recommended for children with ASD. Download some recommended apps for ASD and you have been very proactive.

Hope that makes you feel better, I have periods where I feel as if I am wading through treacle and everyone else is living a wonderful life. It's normal and sometimes we have to all compromise to keep going.

autumnsmum Wed 06-Feb-13 19:10:05

Thanks everyone I also have a dd who is fourteen and going through the angsty stage all black hair and heavy metal .portage worker is backing special school for little one as she said a failed mainstream placement would add to the family stress

Bluebirdonmyshoulder Wed 06-Feb-13 19:55:10

<stands up and shouts, "No, I'm Useless SN Mum" in manner of Kirk Douglas in 'Spartacus'>

Out of hospital now but I just feel utterly utterly drained and I'm probably not doing amazing wonderful interventions with bluechick but to be honest it's all I can do just to feed, change, medicate, transport her to appointments and cuddle her at the moment.

Give yourself a break and have a wine

autumnsmum Wed 06-Feb-13 20:11:03

Thanks everyone starlight I've seen you help pele a lot and bluebird I know you've had a really tough time recently

WilsonFrickett Wed 06-Feb-13 20:33:18

Firstly you have 3 DCs to get up, out, fed, watered, clothed, at school, at appointments, at friends, at whatever. That's masses. Second you have some additional needs to deal with. But they also have their own things to cope with too - quite often my DS is so wiped from school that there is no use trying anything with him, apart from the 'normal' stuff like food, homework, bath bed.

Like everyone else, I have bursts of energy and bursts of 'doing' but then I have bursts of ... nothing.

And do you know what? Yes our DCs need more input but sometimes that input just consists of living.


zzzzz Wed 06-Feb-13 20:40:15


so tired this month it's like pulling my own teeth

porridgeLover Wed 06-Feb-13 21:05:58

I work in this field, I have an expertise in a small corner of it.
Do you think my children get expert level intervention every day? Do they hell!

As starlight says, I go through bursts, where I set goals and aim for them (e.g. broadening DS's range of foods is one at the moment). But I can guarantee that I will stop once we get to that much.

I am coming round to thinking that the best advice I can give the parents of children that I see is this: hugs, cuddles, loving smiles, acceptance, couch days for when the rest of the world is too much.

WilsonFrickett Wed 06-Feb-13 21:11:45

Oh oh I'm doing foods!!! I'm doing something!!!! He ate a veggie hot dog today! Have discovered its all about texture I think.

Activity and insights? I'm a BRILLIANT SN mum!

Lookslikerain Wed 06-Feb-13 21:12:21

I don't post much here (DS is 3; probable Asd dx), and I don't really have any advice but your post struck a cord with me, and I thought I'd add my voice to the "it's normal, we all feel like that sometimes" opinion. I know I do! My DH often leaves the house at 6.45 am. That's him off to the gym, then work, with a lunch break for an hour, adult conversation with colleagues, gets to go for a pee with the door shut etc.

After my broken nights sleep (thanks unsleeping DD), get 2 DC up, change nappies, do breakfast for DC (mine comes later when they aren't shouting because they are hungry), somehow get a shower without DC coming to harm, get us all dressed, tidy up after breakfast, get DD (11 months) down for nap, put washing on, unload/load dishwasher, tidy random crap left from the day before, make beds/ open curtains etc... I've probably forgotten a few things in there too. That's all before we even think about going out! I don't mean this as a DH bashing rant (he does do loads) just that I sometimes have to remind myself of how many million things I do every day and that i can't turn every moment into a learning experience. And sometimes you just need a sit down, have a brew and let the kids watch tv/ipad for a bit. It won't kill them and it'll keep you sane. Please be kind to yourself. And drink more wine grin

RinkyDinkyDoo Wed 06-Feb-13 21:29:47

This post has been just the medicine I needed today. Thank you. wine and thanks to you all, again.x

starfish71 Wed 06-Feb-13 22:28:01

This thread has lifted my spirits, I am so convinced that I am such a bad SN mum, I didn't even get to the lovely SN supprot group for weeks on end as am so bloody useless and tired!

Star I love your post.

autumsmum you are not alone, and you are definitely not useless smile

Toughasoldboots Wed 06-Feb-13 22:30:21

grin I haven't been to my local group as the email said that they are a very positive group and I am not sure that I am positive enough.

starfish71 Wed 06-Feb-13 22:35:49

Yes that is what mine is like, really fab but sure I am at present far too miserable,

hope you go along to yours, when I do go I always feel,better, it's just making that effort when all I want to do if both boys have gone to school is go,back to,bed!

hazeyjane Wed 06-Feb-13 22:40:38


Actually, I don't think I am ( although I have had my moments in the past!) I think I am knackered, worried and overwhelmed sn mum.

Be kind to yourself.

Bluebirdonmyshoulder Wed 06-Feb-13 23:16:40

What hazey said re being knackered, worried and overwhelmed.

It's not as if anything can prepare you for this - if we feel lonely it's because we are very much alone. I've never seen a single image of SN motherhood depicted in the media, advertising, stupid FB motherhood photos etc.

Only ones I can think of are in films and they're generally depressing.

Badvoc Wed 06-Feb-13 23:31:23

I think you will find it is I actually.
Seriously, give yourself a break x

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