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Think I had a bit of a breakdown last night - don't think I can do this.

(27 Posts)
Bluebirdonmyshoulder Fri 23-Nov-12 11:25:28

Just feel so utterly worthless - am finding this so hard and can't imagine ever being happy again. Am so scared for bluechick and what her life will entail and don't think I can be her mummy - my heart is too broken.

Not sure why I'm posting. Come and tell me to get a grip. sad

sickofincompetenceandbullshit Fri 23-Nov-12 11:34:37

I don't know your situation but wanted to respond to say we all feel like that at times but it DOES pass, eventually.xx

spiritsam Fri 23-Nov-12 11:38:06

I have felt this way , i came through it and am sure you will too . Felt like a useless mum , must all be my fault and DD would be better off else where .
Be good to yourself and take a breath...
Big hugs xx

Learning70 Fri 23-Nov-12 11:41:43

Hi there! I don't know what your circumstances are but I have a little man who is five and will prob be diagnosed ASD in near future. Have had some really rough times over the last year but I have also found a tiny bit of steel in my soul to deal with the crap that comes with it. Spent a lot of time crying this time last year and earlier this year but things are improving and I am focused on getting the best I can for him. It's a learning curve. A huge one.

whatthewhatthebleep Fri 23-Nov-12 12:47:16

allow yourself a good cry
I think sometimes we hit these times and it's so hard but I would describe them like bereavment in many ways
We feel the loss of the baby and child we imagined, all the stepping stones we were going to see and enjoy and then things begin to happen or become apparent with our children...we realise we have missed what seemed to be small things before, but now without them, they feel like bigger things and it's this loss that we feel...
we then blame ourselves, think we have done something wrong, think we aren't doing enough, think someone else would cope better and feel utterly guilty and horrible....

I have found that after our 12yrs...this seems to happen periodically for me too and I think it does for every parent with a special child when things get overwhelming and we are feeling so drained and a bit lost with what feels like too many things to deal with....

your heart is sore, it's what we all do when we are feeling like this...we immediately want to lay fault and blame and we usually do this to ourselves the most and it's horrible all round.

You just need to adjust your view and see the positive more clearly...pat yourself on the back, that you have come so far and your DC is doing well in so many ways....yes set backs, yes difficulties, but ultimately mostly good and you must try to keep this in the fore.
It's hard and I think we all have these times...sending hugs and strength to you...really, this will pass... xx

inappropriatelyemployed Fri 23-Nov-12 12:51:33

So sorry to hear you feel this way but it is normal! We have all felt like this.

Can you share your story? It might help.

I remember posting in a very similar way a couple of years ago and the fabulous ladies here (especially the mighty Star) dragged me up, dusted me down and pointed me back in the right direction. grin

That's not to say it is easy and I am not sure what you are going through as I don't know your story. But I can say that there is definitely an adjustment to go through as we find ourselves confronted with another kind of life. But it can be a happy one.

My message FWIW - small steps. Incy baby steps. Don't try and look too far ahead until you feel stronger.

Please let us know if we can help you.

messmonster Fri 23-Nov-12 12:58:12

I've PM'd you Bluebird. x

mycarscallednev Fri 23-Nov-12 12:59:38

I too understand how you feel, eight years of diagnostics and they're still coming thick and fast, and now with all the crap the LA can throw at us just because we seek a decent education.
Its crap, really shite and we all understand, that's the great thing about the people here - we do at least know how this feels and don't judge people because we 'get it' - unlike so many others.
Keep going, getting support and understanding help - as does a large glass [bottle] of wine! x

BeeMom Fri 23-Nov-12 13:07:12

Bluechick couldn't have a better mummy, and you need to allow yourself the right to have rough days.

They will happen - you can definitely trust me on this - but you will get past them. In time, your life and challenges will become more familiar and getting through the rough stuff will be easier.

Surround yourself with people who "get it", either in RL or in cyberspace. Having a safe place to lose your mind is probably the most important thing you can do for yourself.

But, for one day, do only what you must. If you don't get out of your night clothes or leave the house, that is OK. The house will not burn down if there are dishes in the sink or toys on the floor. Have a quiet day, or crank up the music and dance like a maniac - whatever works for you - and remember that Bluechick is the very same beautiful and perfect little one that she was before she was diagnosed.

More importantly, no one has a crystal ball. Don't let the gloom and doom from the doctors and "Dr. Google" get you down - no one writes articles about the ones who do beautifully.

And, if all else fails, we have wine and will share...

Lougle Fri 23-Nov-12 13:19:52

You're allowed to be sad, and you can do this wine

Firsttimer7259 Fri 23-Nov-12 13:28:40

Hi I dont remember the details of your first post (a few weeks ago?) anymore but I do remember you had a tough time/diagnosis early on. It takes time to adjust and a lot of that time is spent feeling you cant make it. Then one day making it feels more doable. I dont think there is a short cut. You need time to recover from the shock of whats happened to you. To grieve for the child you thought you'd have. To just let it all sink in. But it does happen and you will find good things again for you and for bluechick.
Make sure you get enough support, esp practical stuff so you can have time to lick your wounds. Be gentle on yourself and go easy on the self criticism. Cuddle your baby, gather your strength. It will be ok again, and it will be good and happy again too. You are her mummy already, everything else will come. (((Hug)))

shazian Fri 23-Nov-12 15:10:28

Bluebird your allowed to have down days, we all have them. Be kind to yourself. Your bluechick is lucky to have you for her wonderful mum. You can do this ((((hugs)))) xx

Perspective21 Fri 23-Nov-12 15:31:06

Your post has actually persuaded me to join so that I could add something to this thread. This is a first message and I am rather nervous. I had a similar situation earlier this year; after two years of being very resolute, positive and strong, I simply physically crumbled. I ended up in A&E and scared myself and my family. I felt not at all myself for a very long time. Ultimately that cheesy old advice about fixing your own oxygen mask before you can help anyone else really sunk in.

Baby steps really are the best. Manage small, immediate concerns first and be kind to yourself. More importantly let others know that you need to learn on them for a time. I looked very capable at a time I was really struggling. People were so kind when I finally "owned up" to my acting skills.

These boards are a huge source of practical help and empathy, keep reading.

Wishing you a speedy recovery x

Walter4 Fri 23-Nov-12 15:54:34

I felt like this last night too, like I couldn't keep doing this, am I doing enough. Is he like this because of I love him too much even!
I'm exhausted , I think that's really it. Tired yet there no choice to rest ,and he needs so much care. The worry is the worst I think, that and the fact that no one gets its, I put on a face every day , like prospective said, and all seems fine. I wish I could surround myself with people who get it, but I don't know any, but these boards help emensely and I know I will get past this, you will too.

ChristmasTreegles Fri 23-Nov-12 16:11:20

I think that we all tend to go through stages of this. I have honestly been struggling a lot lately, due to a number of things going on in my life right now.

I do agree that it's important to take care of yourself so that you can be there for your child. I frequently tend to neglect myself to take care of everyone else in the house, and I always end up the worse for it. My health suffers, my mental health suffers, and then I really struggle with everything as I'm run down and stressed.

Ineedalife Fri 23-Nov-12 16:23:55

Hi bluebird

I think there must be something in the air.

Maybe it is partly to do with the time of year, for us this term is always really hard and full of adjustments and it is all finished off with a large dose of silly season

Please be kind to yourself and am honking for yousmile

Oblomov Fri 23-Nov-12 16:32:23

I too am having a bit of a hard time ,atm and cried after my camhs session on tuesday.
Agree it is something in the air. This time of year is often tough. Tell us more OP, and let us help you.

And welcome Perspective21.

Perspective21 Fri 23-Nov-12 17:02:01

Thank you for the welcome. I really do think it is just a real exhausted "spirit". So much to do for the child with SN and other can be overwhelming at times. See OP, you are not alone, so many can really feel for you, even without knowing the specifics. Please keep in touch online and find the strength you need...

Bluebirdonmyshoulder Fri 23-Nov-12 18:06:45

Thank you all very very much and especially messmonster for the PM. Sorry I haven't replied all day, got a last minute invite to go out to a friend's and it did me some good.

For those who asked, bluechick has a rare chromosome disorder, she was dx shortly after she was born and is now 4 months. She is our first child.

I'm so sorry so many of you are going through similar at the moment. It helps to know I'm not alone but I'm sorry for all of you that I'm not alone!

I thought I was doing well but I'm not. I can really relate to what Walter4 and Perspective21 said, my acting skills are fucking incredible. A couple of different proffs have told me I'm doing amazingly well and I'm just incredulous that they can't see that I'm drowning, not waving. Last night was the lowest point since the dx I think. It's when you actually look forward to dying because the heartbreak will be over that you realise you've fallen a long way down.

Don't worry, I'm not thinking along the lines of ending it all and I promise I wouldn't do that. I really promise. I just mean that in the last few days I seem to be wishing the next few decades away because I don't feel I have much to look forward to.

Going to have some wine and keep on keeping on and draw some strength from all of you.

Perspective21 Fri 23-Nov-12 19:40:45

bluebird well done for going to see a friend. Your baby is so very young and you are a first time mother, please be patient with yourself: that's a lot to deal with all at once. It helps to find a few, trusted individuals who will really listen to you and try to understand your pain. Imagine this was happening to a friend of yours, what would you do for them? Can you find someone to treat you like this? Hope that makes sense. Until you fill your life with some more people who can really help you emotionally, we can all support you here. The fact that you have posted shows me that you are, in fact, a brilliant Mum, just need to give yourself time. I would also recommend looking for online forums for your baby's condition as parents who have been through similar times are your best allies.
Thinking about you as I sign off, one DC in bed, takeaway to be enjoyed with the others. I promise you, you can do this xx

cantbelieve Fri 23-Nov-12 20:04:31

Bluebird I so know where you are as Im right there with you with my 9 month DS with his shitty crappy rare chromosome disorder. I too wish my life away as I can see no happiness just a living nightmare. If it wasn't for my 2 older DC's that need me I really dont know if I could carry on but Im trapped in this hell instead. I haven't really helped have I ? Im sorry but at least I hope my post lets you know you're not alone and totally normal in all your thinking and Im right there sobbing next to you. We really must have that bloody great bottle of wine to share x

coff33pot Fri 23-Nov-12 20:15:23

Hugs and wine bluebird What an emotional time for you.

Bluechick has a wonderful mummy and is lucky she cares so much x

frizzcat Fri 23-Nov-12 20:33:29

Never alone bluechick - won't always be like this

bigbluebus Fri 23-Nov-12 20:55:45

Bluebird I really feel for you - but it is early days and your emotions will be all over the place. It is only natural to 'grieve' for the baby you have 'lost' before you can begin to deal with the very different baby that has been given to you. My DD, who also has a relatively rare chromosome disorder, was our first born too, and I can remember being totally shell shocked for a long time after her birth. She is 18 now and life has thrown all sorts of challenges at her and us as a family - but we have coped. I would be lying if I said it has been easy - but somehow, we have found the strength to deal with something that we never thought we would be capable of - and I'm sure you will too. Don't beat yourself up - what you are going through is only natural.
You will get there in our own time.

greener2 Fri 23-Nov-12 21:08:24

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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