MIL's and family. Why don't they understand?

[Blossomhill]

Went to farm with mil today and just feel she really doesn't understand dd at all.
For example she gave her a high5 lolly while I was in the toilet. Which has about 5o e numbers in it. How many times have we explained to her that dd reacts to stuff like this? it was only weeks after Bibic and we explained totally about the diet change and why we were doing it. Only to find her dangling a pack of Haribos infront of dd saying "she's okay to have these isn't she?" Then I have to say no, take them away and dd thinks I am the worst mum in the world.
She constantly wants to feed my kids crap. I have told her until I am blue in the face that they are happy with fruit etc but she says "oh it doesn't seem fair really "
Well the biggy was today. While in the farm playbarn (dd was going a bit loopy from the after effects of Hi5) I needed the loo and said watch dd for me. When dd is in that kind of mood she needs to be watched like a toddler.
Anyway come out of the loo and as calm as anything mil is like oh dd just ran off out there. Still sitting down, doing ds's shoelaces. I ran outside (as there is a lake right there) and 5 minutes later no dd. Mil is wondering around and eventually ds saw dd round by the lake. I said to her "you cannot take your eyes off of her for a minute" To which she didn't reply.
Why don't people like mil understand. I just feel so annoyed with her today
My mum is very different and does what I tell her to and I trust dd with her with my life!

[gigglinggoblin]

my grandmother is exactly the same about feeding my kids crap. she doesnt seem to believe youre eating properly unless your diet is 75% sugar. drives me nuts. and then when the kids go boing 20 minutes later she will start going on about what you can do to get them to behave - dont feed them sugar!!!! but then the selective deafness kicks in of course. it is like having another child around sometimes, only one with an endless supply of sweetie money (though i would like to say she has the best intentions in the world and is very lovely in every other way - just cant get past the food thing sometimes)

[Blossomhill]

The thing is I couldn't be clearer about how food affects dd. Still she insists on feeding her crap, why?

[hunkermunker]

It's a control thing, IMO - she thinks she knows better than you.

Can you tell her you'll avoid seeing her if she doesn't respect the diet you're giving your daughter? What does DH say?

[Blossomhill]

He agrees with me. I mean ffs our dd is hyperactive enough without adding e's into the mix. Just feel that she doesn't listen or take us seriously. I mean we didn't go all the way to Somerset to Bibic for nothing!

[yingers74]

MILs, they are honestly from a different planet, I think it is often a power struggle thing, and I guess they believe they can get away with it as you are not their daughter so are unlikely to start a massive row with them.

Can you ask dh to talk to her?

[beccaboo]

Blossom how annoying . Has she noticed the improvements in dd since starting the diet, or does she notice the effects when she gives her all those E numbers?

[hunkermunker]

Has she always been very much "MIL knows best" about your children?

I would be very tempted to treat her like a child who is being naughty...

[emily05]

Blossomhill - [cross] on your behalf. mils seem to make it their lifes mission to push the limits! like naughty children!

[Blossomhill]

Beccaboo - the thing is it's me that has to deal with dd she doesn't. I mean she manged to let her run outside of the playbarn and was so calm about it. Doesn't she realise how vunerable dd is?

[Blossomhill]

This is what was on a bib mil once bought

MUM WON'T
DAD MIGHT
NAN WILL

[swedishmum]

In response to my refusal of lemonade for my 18 month old baby yesterday dh's great aunt suggested I put sugar in it to take away the bubbles then it would be fine for her to drink!

[Blossomhill]

sw - . Mind you mil was trying to give mine sweets, ice lollies etc from about 12 months

[myermay]

Message withdrawn

[spidermama]

Ahhh!v I'm sorry blossomhill. That sounds really stressful. My ds goes utterly loopy after additives and even just sugar. He has a complete personality change but people think I'm being cruel or too strict. (Especially ds himself)

My MIL has just arrived so I'll no doubt have a similar situation.

I wish us both luck and patience. x

[singersgirl]

I know just what you mean, Blossomhill, as my mum, who is generally very supportive, is always saying things in front of the kids like "Poor little souls!" when I explain they can't have Kellogg's cereals because of the sulphites in the glucose syrup. We are preparing for meltdown here as we have all been to a big family barbecue with free-flowing Coke and other additive-laden things. It was impossible to police a hyper 7 year old....

[Davros]

I used to get this sort-of the other way round BH. My MIL used to read something or see something on TV and every few months would grill us about putting DS on the GFCF diet. She understood nothing about it, I think its all related to questioning your decisions, not the actual nuts and bolts of what they can/can't eat iyswim. Every time I would have to go through the same, tedious explanation of who we've seen, what they said, why we didn't do it, aaargh! Then she'd huff and say "I wish you'd take him to America for treatment" and I'd have to explain that the program we were doing originiated in America blah blah blah
She also loved DS and had his interested at heart but she didn't understand any of the things we were, or were not, doing and, of course, people often simply don't believe in what you're doing and the only way they seem to be able to express that is defy you or ignore your rules.

[beccaboo]

I think our parents generation often don't have the cynical/mistrustful attitude that we have. They think that nobody could really lie that much and sell us food that contained harmful additives, growth hormones, antibiotics...... The food that they ate is not the same food that is available for our children.

[KarenThirl]

My MIL is lovely generally but in many ways she just doesn't listen. I've discussed J's dietary needs many, many times but she either doesn't hear or forgets. He eats all foods in preferential order and his big thing is carbs - I always control portions so that he gets a good balance of carbs/protein/fruit and veg but often he comes home from her house having eaten nothing but garlic bread and smiley faces. MIL will say proudly "He ate all his lunch!". Well, yes he will if you give him the crap he likes. She can't understand why I'm always reporting how hard it is to feed him, but then she isn't the one who has to provide the balance. And she always feeds him sitting in front of the telly, which I don't agree with so obviously it's harder to make him eat at the table when that's what he gets at gran's.

To be honest, these days I don't make a big deal about it. He only eats there once a week and I can structure the rest of his diet around that if I have to. The alternative is not to let him go there and both he and I need it more than we need a falling-out with the in-laws. God knows I've tried talking to her about it a million times but sometimes you just have to admit defeat and work around it.

OTOH, she's fully on board in other areas and supports the strategies I use for managing J's behaviour etc. She often says I'm doing a great job, and we're very close generally.

BH, I'd suggest if you can't trust your MIL to look after your kids on her own then don't. If you're out together again and need the loo, take DD with you. MIL might get the message or not, but at least DD will be safe and you'll be more comfortable about it.