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I'm sorry - Thomcat reporting in, sorry girls

(84 Posts)
Thomcat Thu 23-Jun-05 15:31:12


Oh you've all been so lovely, and I have been avoiding you all, and I’m sorry, really, really sorry, I shouldn't have.

I was going to post you all a long post tomorrow.

Tomorrow, when I know one way or the other.

i couldn't face it till then and just thought I'd wait till I had real news for you but that was wrong of me really and I'm sorry.

Thank you all for thinking of me, I'm so touched and so humbled.

Ohhhhhh girls. I think when this is all over, one way or the other, I'll come back to you as someone else, I won't be the same person after all this.

I can't be Thomcat who was so against testing and couldn't see what was so wrong with having a child with Down's syndrome.

I’ve had a CVS

I wanted more time to tell you about it and if it's ok I'll explain later when I'm at home.

D and I talked and talked and I cried and cried and he made me see that although I'd love to be the sort of person who'll have this baby no matter what i don't think I can carry that out. I wish I could.

I'd have 10 of Lottie. I would, but I won't get another Lottie.
If this child has SN they could be worse, a lot worse and I don't think I'll be able to take that on. i'm not big enough. Lottie is amazing and we're so lucky but things will get harder and harder and 2 children with SN is not something I'm going to be able to knowingly take on. There are no guarantees, we all know and use that line, so if chromosome disorders are ruled out, what will be really will have to be, but I can't just run into the future with my eyes tightly shut.

That's not fair on me, or D, or my family, but more importantly it's not fair on Lottie or on this baby.


I hate that I can't give this baby the same chance as Lottie has, I loathe that, about me, about everything, I feel sick to my stomach that i may have to do something unthinkable.

Oh no, God, will I really????

The professor was extraordinary, amazing. So self assured and as soon as heard us say we couldn't do two 16 year olds, or two 30 year olds with special needs and that we had to know, he literally just stood up, asked for the, as he put it, "the really long, painful needle and the hammer and chisel" and he was giving me a CVS. I cried and said 'oh you're not doing it now' and he just said 'yes of course I am' and he cracked on. So scary but for the best, gave me no time to agonise over what I was doing, he took charge and i think that was the right thing to do.

I get the results tomorrow.

I'll let you know what happens, I promise, and then that should be my last post as Thomcat.

So until tomorrow, if you pray please keep us in your prayers. and if you don't pray please just hope and keep something crossed for us.

jessicasmummy Thu 23-Jun-05 15:33:50

Yuo have no reason to be sorry. You are doing what is best for you and your family.

I am praying for you and hope all is well. Dont be scared to come here, we are all your friends and none of us will judge you.

We love you.

hoxtonchick Thu 23-Jun-05 15:35:00

lots & lots of love thomcat. i have everything crossed for you. xxxx

QueenFlounce Thu 23-Jun-05 15:35:12

Oh Thomcat

So sorry you're going through all this. Stop beating yourself up about the test!!!!! You are doing what is best for you and your family right now.

I really truly hope that the test results are all clear.

Please don't change your name because of this.

anorak Thu 23-Jun-05 15:35:19

Oh, Thomcat, sweetie. I don't know what to say except that I'm thinking of you. Lots of love xxxxx

SoupDragon Thu 23-Jun-05 15:35:39

Don't often send hugs but here are some scaley dragon ones... {{{}}}

Don't feel you can't post as TC though. I think in some ways it can be stronger/more difficult to change your point of view than to stand, blinkered, by your original thoughts.

Take care x

anorak Thu 23-Jun-05 15:36:13

Yes, of course don't change your name. How could anyone possibly judge you, they don't know how it

Marina Thu 23-Jun-05 15:36:27

Posted on your other thread, the antenatal one.
Lots of love XXX

PiccadillyCircus Thu 23-Jun-05 15:37:02

You are in my prayers Thomcat.

bundle Thu 23-Jun-05 15:38:05

tc, you don't need to justify this at all, as you said, you've done this for the best possible reasons for everyone. having a cvs doesn't make you any less of a lovely mother or caring person, it really doesn't. everything crossed for tomorrow, xxxxxx

fastasleep Thu 23-Jun-05 15:38:09

Oh TC what a horrible situation... you can't blame yourself for any outcomes, you've been so brave with Lottie and it's not fair, it's not right, and it's damn near impossible to ask you to do it all again! I'm keeping everything crossed, it can still all be ok TC xxx

tamum Thu 23-Jun-05 15:38:15

Thomcat, no-one will judge you for this, absolutely no-one.

motherinferior Thu 23-Jun-05 15:40:14

Darling, I am thinking of you.

jayzmummy Thu 23-Jun-05 15:40:32

Will say an extra prayer for you,Dh and little Lottie tonight. Thinking of you TC.

dinosaur Thu 23-Jun-05 15:40:41

Oh Thomcat, I so feel for you...

When we were told there was an increased risk of DS2 having Edwards Syndrome, I had CVS. You're not alone in thinking the unthinkable.

I dreamed of you last night, that's the extent to which you've been on my mind.

You know that whatever happens and whatever you do, you will have the support and love of all good mumsnetters, fwiw.

ninah Thu 23-Jun-05 15:46:26

Thomcat you are doing the right thing
Love, ninah

ediemay Thu 23-Jun-05 15:51:45

No-one else is standing where you are standing and no-one else has the right to judge you. I wish you strength and a clear head for tomorrow and most of all, I hope you get a positive outcome.

Kelly1978 Thu 23-Jun-05 15:52:41

Hi TC,
I've been following your posts and thinking of you. I haven't posted before, as my kids are nt, and I can't really understand what you are going through.
But fwiw I think you've made the right decision, and I think you are really brave to do it. Lottie is so beautiful, and you are obs a wonderful mother, you aren't letting her down, just doing what is best for all your family.
Good luck with tomorrow, I will be praying for you, and as others have said you don't need to be ashamed and hide your name.

LIZS Thu 23-Jun-05 15:53:20

tc you don't need to apologise to anyone. Can't begin to imagine what you are going through but fingers crossed the results offer the reassurance you and your family need.

trefusis Thu 23-Jun-05 15:53:45

Message withdrawn

geekgrrl Thu 23-Jun-05 15:54:04

Tomcat I completely understand your turmoil - I've been there. I was gibbering on to the consultant doing the the CVS about how gorgeous my dd with DS is, and feeling like such a sh*t and a complete fraud. I made my parents and in-laws promise they'd never tell any other relatives that I'd had it done.

What did it for us was the thought of our older dd having to look after two siblings with SN - we thought that would be too much of a burden to place on her.

I'm keeping fingers & toes crossed for you here.

stringbean Thu 23-Jun-05 15:54:51

Thomcat, I've watched your posts over the past few days, and I'm so sorry you're in this difficult situation. I don't think I've ever posted a response to you before, but have always been struck by your humour, your intelligence, your optimism and your passion for your child. Whatever result you get from this, and whatever decision you make will be the right one for you and your family, and will be the right one based on the information you have at the time. Keep hold of this in the future; it's so tempting to look back on a situation and wonder if you should have acted differently. Come back to Mumsnet as Thomcat; you're valued as you are, no matter what decision you make. Thinking of you.

Thomcat Thu 23-Jun-05 15:55:40

i judge myself.
You're all being so kind but I have to live with me and ....
I still wish testing didn't exist, I wish I wasn't allowed the option of knowing, but there is, and I wish there were no other options once you know, but there is.

The reason that I need to know is cos the woman who did the nuchal said that as my blood was good and the nasal bone was present but neck so incresed that it could be something else, and I'm scared and I can't be 55 with 2 children with SN, one possibly quite severe SN.

And D said with no doubt he didn't want to, he couldn't, he wouldn't.

I love Lottie so much more now. I'm so glad that I didn't have testing before and so glad I have her. I can't hug her enough at the moment.
I've got into her bed every night this week and stroked her until she's fast asleep and then just laid there starring at her.

QueenOfQuotes Thu 23-Jun-05 15:56:19

Thomcat - haven't followed the whole story - but we'll be praying for you

elliott Thu 23-Jun-05 15:56:58

TC, don't apologise, none of us has walked in your shoes. Actually I thought this might have happened when you didn't check in....
Well, I have everything crossed for you - but I won't be back online till monday so will be hoping all is well over the weekend.
don't change your name, you are still you, even more so.
thinking of you, and wishing you didn't have to go through this. xxxx

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