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Just acted like a fool in front of social worker

(55 Posts)
fanjoforthemammaries7850 Fri 06-Nov-09 14:09:28

He came today to assess us for respite.

DH hadn't been at last meeting.

I am pretty low at the moment and finding it hard to cope some days (DD is 3 and undergoing ASD diagnosis although it's pretty certain).

He asked DH if we needed respite and he said "not really." He also said that I had said I couldn't remember when I had last slept and DH said "we got four nights right through"..I got upset and said "I wasn't lying, I wasn't lying" of course looking like i WAS, and had a go at DH saying he didn't have to deal with it all.

I'm sure he has seen it all before but I am just a bit mortified. blush It takes a lot for me to even post I am upset on HERE anonymously so that was pretty hard.

Jo5677 Fri 06-Nov-09 14:17:58

Hi,sending you a hug.
I've made a prat of myself infont of my social worker on many occasions i honestly have.
They're not perfect beings either though,they argue and make twits of themselves too.
Social worker probably realised it was you and not your husband that was doing most of the childcare.
Don't be too mortified,i've spent days tearing myself up after social worker visits wondering if i'd said the wrong or right things and how they took what i said,what they thought of me. It's awful,try and put the visit behind you and hope that eventually they sort some respite,will keep my fingers crossed for you smilexx

fanjoforthemammaries7850 Fri 06-Nov-09 14:30:15


DH is actually pretty good when he is there but he doesn't have to do the hard stuff.

Like now when DD is yelling. sad

Jo5677 Fri 06-Nov-09 14:40:05

At least he helps when he's there then,maybe just brief him on what to say before meetings lol.
My Mum often accompanies me to meetings and i often give her a quick debriefing about what i'm going to say,though she's usually only there as another pair of ears.
Good luck with things,take care xx

fanjoforthemammaries7850 Fri 06-Nov-09 14:57:21

Thanks smile

magso Fri 06-Nov-09 15:26:06

I am sorry you are upset. I always find it hard to put things behind me when I think I have been misunderstood or made a fool of myself too - especially since the power of speech seems to desert me when worn down.

I am sure the SW will know that the main carer is the one most often in need of respite - too busy caring to see to their own needs. I think the needs of parents to have time to adjust to a potential diagnosis should be considered.
I hope you get what you need.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 Fri 06-Nov-09 15:38:10


On the one hand I don't want to look like I am just out to take everything I can get.

but on the other hand I could probably do with some support.

So it's quite hard to get everything across.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 Fri 06-Nov-09 15:41:28

Anyway I know people on here have got a lot more than me to cope with, so I am a bit pathetic really.

cory Fri 06-Nov-09 15:50:08

<pours big glass for Fanjo>

You are ALLOWED to say that you can't cope!

it's not a competition!

we are on this forum because we understand what it's like!

fanjoforthemammaries7850 Fri 06-Nov-09 16:01:03

Thanks. <downs it in one> smile

I am just really really bad at opening up/admitting I am weak/can't sope, it is indeed the worst thing for me to have to do, which is why these appointments are so difficult.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 Fri 06-Nov-09 16:01:39

Can't type cope properly either ever, for some reason.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 Fri 06-Nov-09 16:02:54

The silly things are the hardest..for example (on an "opening up" roll here) I am finding it VERY hard at the moment when the neighbours speak to DD and she ignores them..and they all speak to her nearly every day and ask her how she is etc., as they are all kindly old people.

cloelia Fri 06-Nov-09 16:52:24

I think sometimes DHs don't like to admit we need help, respite, etc etc. Afraid i now do all meetings on my own as either he is rude to the professionals, or pretends everything is ok. Perhaps your DH is like this too Fanjo? I have in the past got a friend to meetings with me, who knows what is going on probably better than DH and i find that helpful. DH thinks i am too abjectly grateful for anything but i think i am of the "be nice to them so they are nice to my dd" persuasion.

HelensMelons Fri 06-Nov-09 17:24:09

Oh, fanjo don't feel bad about the meeting today with the social worker - it won't be the first or last so he will get to know you better, I expect.

I have just made an appointment to get referred for a sw and I don't think dp will be that pleased when I tell him.

My ds2 (hfa/adhd) isn't a great one for acknowledging the hello's and other pleasantries that my family/friends/neighbours give him. It is hard sometimes because they think he is being rude, when really he couldn't care less about pointless things like hello, it is a bit illogical to him. Sometimes I prompt sometimes I don't, sometimes he is just "too busy"!

Going through the dx process is extremely stressful - at least I found it was so don't be hard on yourself x

fanjoforthemammaries7850 Fri 06-Nov-09 17:31:42

Thanks. Be kind to yourself is something I am always telling other people, so I suppose I should put it into practice!!

The hfa and adhd is a hard combination isn't it? Am pretty sure thats what DD has (not sure if she is hf though), she just flits around restlessly most of the time being destructive.

HelensMelons Fri 06-Nov-09 18:06:38

It's hard, everybody in my house gets sorted before I do - being kind to myself is not something I particulary practice either - having said that dp never has a problem with it.

It is a hard combination at times, he was only dx with the adhd in august this year so it has been a bit of a learning curve really. I am doing a parenting course though which, so far, has been unbelievably fantastic; he is also on equasym which helps him in school.

The being destructive is a tough one - high activity levels! - it's hard because without the equasym tbh the concentration just isn't there x

TotalChaos Fri 06-Nov-09 18:18:18

would hope the sw has the nous to realise that the dads are often in denial and that the lion's share of care often falls to the mothers. It is difficult when you just pray that well meaning people won't try and start a conversation with your kid - I would go for a moderated version of the truth with the nice neighbours - that your DD is a bit behind with her speech and having speech therapy.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 Fri 06-Nov-09 18:24:51

The sw actually said that dads usually only see the best side of things and the mums do everything, also that some people (looking pointedly at DH) are uneasy about asking for help, so I think he is one of the good ones.

I will start saying that to the neighbours I think. Have told one neighbour I am quite close to but that is a good suggestion for the others!!

fanjoforthemammaries7850 Fri 06-Nov-09 18:25:31

I felt sorry for poor DH actually as he is very good about helping, he is just at work for most of the time.

waitingforgodot Fri 06-Nov-09 18:37:12

Heres a big cuddle for you. Dont feel bad. You have a lot on your plate and social workers are used to dealing with all different scenarios.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 Fri 06-Nov-09 18:37:40

Thanks, you are all lovely smile

fanjoforthemammaries7850 Fri 06-Nov-09 21:30:12

hmm scratch that bit about DH being lovely...I was upset tonight and exhausted totally and begged him to help with DD who has been crying/screaming all day and not settling, I think she is getting sick, possibly an ear infection, but he was sitting working and wouldn't take time out for a minute to help.

He said I was a "useless arsehole" and that he "couldnt live with me any more as I was nuts".

Maybe this is why I try not to tell people I am not coping! sad

fanjoforthemammaries7850 Fri 06-Nov-09 21:47:58

i told my mum i was upset yesterday and she said i was childish and ridiculous and should think about dd and not myself,so i guess i am just super-irritating when stressed.
Will stick to moaning on here i think!

TotalChaos Fri 06-Nov-09 22:04:33

oh lord is this a particularly bad week, or are these typical comments by your mum and dh shock

fanjoforthemammaries7850 Fri 06-Nov-09 22:08:45

well,they aren't everyday comments but it's not the first time i've heard them either,my mum is not the easiest woman.

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