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What to do when people stare???

(47 Posts)
eslaymum Thu 05-Nov-09 09:12:48

My dd2 is 32 months,does not walk(shuffles on knees!!) and does not talk,apart from that she looks like a (hate this word!!) 'normal' 32 month old.We went for school photos today,you know school children with their pre-school siblings.Why do people stare,what do you do,obviously cannot explain dd2 issues with everyone I meet,but hate the sideways glances!!And it's only going to get worse as doc said she might be 4 yrs old before she walks.
How do you deal with it??Have I just got to toughen up a bit!!??Thanks...

MumOfThreeMonkeys Thu 05-Nov-09 09:19:56

you will find as time goes on you will develop rhino skin ... or you can ask them if they want a picture smile

claw3 Thu 05-Nov-09 09:21:38

Eslaymum - I think every parent of a child with SN gets this to some degree or another, so you are not alone.

I get people tutting at me, when ds drops to the floor and starts spinning on his bum in Asda or when he cant stand still for 2 seconds in queues! Just ignore, not much else you can do.

I even had a lady shout down from another carriage 'i need to learn how to control my ds' because i was letting him walk around the pole of the empty carriage i was in. I did have a few choice words for her and they were by no means an offer of an explanation as to why i was letting him

eslaymum Thu 05-Nov-09 09:22:18

Thanks MOTM,will remember that one!!

eslaymum Thu 05-Nov-09 09:25:55

I know I shouldn't let it get to me,thats why I'm interested in how other SN parents deal with it!So thanks for your replies.

claw3 Thu 05-Nov-09 09:29:38

Its really difficult isnt it, you just want to wrap them up in cotton wool or tell everyone to F off!

MumOfThreeMonkeys Thu 05-Nov-09 09:30:42

dont let it get to you, people will always stare and make nasty remarks, its just ignorance

PeachyInCarnivalFeathers Thu 05-Nov-09 09:38:20

theres afewways to deal with this

1.ignore them, and set yourself a target- ten staring idiots = a box of chocs, something like that.

2. face them down andtell them to f off

3. explain- for us its 'I know he seems poorly behaved, but he ahs a form of autism and we are working on this'

4. Make a distraction comment- anything from@ 'Oh I seey ou looking at my hair,nice isn;t it- just ahd it done' to (directed at their partner) 'It's ahrd when you're out with someone with limited social skills isn't it? But it does get better I find, are you getting any professional help?@

I veer between 1,2 and 3, dream of having the confidence for 4,mostly reserve comments though for staff /professionals who i think deser4ve to be criticised. We had nasties from someone in Natwest once and I had her arse hauled in for equality training sharpish (in fairness we were a week after DX so I was especially touchy)...... generaleppople I either assume they're a bit thivk, rude, otr maybe doing something I do and staring randomly into the distance oblivious to any offence or even whats in front of their eyes.

eslaymum Thu 05-Nov-09 09:42:39

No.4 LMAO!!Would love to have the balls for that!!But will go with No.1 to start with,thanks PICF.xx

Seuss Thu 05-Nov-09 09:47:40

I either ignore or give them the f-off glare. (narrow your eyes and pretend you're firing lazers at them). I will explain if I think someone seems curious rather than hostile. It does get easier, I used to get quite upset and sometimes outstay a situation in the hope that I could somehow rectify it and prove that I'm not the crappest parent in the world, nowadays I just get on with things and don't give a stuff what anyone else thinks. I really like Peachy's first idea of collecting 'idiot points', we could get a club card made up.

2shoeshissbangwhoosh Thu 05-Nov-09 10:19:19

I let ds deal with it now, dh stares back and I comment to dd how ugly the person is

sickofsocalledexperts Thu 05-Nov-09 12:24:22

I have veered between the "fuck off you ignorant judgemental person" and giving them a polite but definite stare back, right into their eyes, as if to say "yes, can I help you, you appear to be staring at me?". 99 times out of 100 that polite, yet very steady, stare back makes them look away. The trick is to look polite, but with an underlying hint of menace, but I think my eyes do this anyway when I'm angry. The other thing I did to great effect the other day (though not deliberately ) was to say "he's not naughty, he's autistic" and then burst into floods of tears. Boy, did they slink off looking guilty then! Hopefully that's one lot of starers who will think twice. Nb - with all of the above, only to be used with women who don't look violent, not with tough looking men when you're on your own (though it's odd, the starers are often other women aren't they!)

sarah293 Thu 05-Nov-09 16:34:01

Message withdrawn

donkeyderby Thu 05-Nov-09 16:42:25

I grade stares into three categories and respond accordingly:

1. The Sidewards Glance - I let this one go as I do it myself
2. The Stare - I stare back
3. The Prolonged Open-Mouthed Gawp - I smile and wave

I once told someone to stop fucking staring, but I got the smile and wave tip from a wheelchair-user aquaintance of mine. It makes them really embarrassed and stops me feeling aggressive and hateful.

2shoeshissbangwhoosh Thu 05-Nov-09 17:37:14

DD i am so going to try the smile and wave next time lol

proudestmummyever Thu 05-Nov-09 19:54:28

Hey, I have bn dreading ths happening with my Ds1 aged 2.9, and he too looks(I also hate the wordhmm) normal, he doesn't look disabled at all, but obv him not walking, and being floppy gives it away that something is up. But I would just ask "What u looking at?"

Cos tht is just damn disgusting if ppl stare, esp at a child, av realised nw it is their problem, we shouldn't have to worry about itangry xx

madwomanintheattic Thu 05-Nov-09 21:47:58

i use a huge enormous smile. don't think i've actually ever waved, but i would if the huge grin didn't make them realise what they were doing...

usually people blush, half grin and do the 'move away, nothing to see here' shuffle.

saltyseadog Thu 05-Nov-09 22:47:31

My best moment was when a woman was staring so hard at dd she tripped and fell over. God's own banana skin in action (disclaimer: she wasn't seriously hurt - just made to look a fool).

proudestmummyever Fri 06-Nov-09 09:29:56

Hahahaha SSD, tht is HILARIOUS, that's what the cheeky bugger gets for staring lolgrinxx

nappyaddict Fri 06-Nov-09 10:03:41

Staring I don't say anything. If they comment on his behaviour I say it's hard for him to understand he has special needs.

boolifooli Fri 06-Nov-09 11:37:50

DS 3 had a neurological illness last year and crawled about for months, he's on foot now but walks with an unusual gait plus he is also only just on the growth charts so I know what you mean about the looking. Somedays you don't mind, and might even use it to start a conversation, some days, the bad days, you want to say 'what the f**k are you looking at?' I was walking into nursery the other day and one of DS's friends was behind us with his mum and saying 'that's soandso, he's my friend' and the mum was saying 'Don't be silly, he's too small for nursery, he's coming to collect his older brother or sister.' She soon shut up when Ds hung his coat next to her sons. We've been going for 6 weeks ffs. You'll just have a bag full of coping mechanisms, one for every day of the week. Some people just live in a NT bubble and can't compute anything outside of that narrow range. I try to remember they are not trying to be nasty even though it does hurt when you feel like a spectacle for all to study.

nappyaddict Fri 06-Nov-09 13:19:57

Out of interest which illness did he have boo?

debs40 Fri 06-Nov-09 13:34:20

With the meltdown thing, I try being absolutely, terrificly, obviously, and loudly kind to DS. The exact opposite of what people expect when a nearly seven year old is screaming because he can't wait.

I find people just look away then. it's as if it is so unusual to respond like this, that they know something must be 'wrong'.

boolifooli Fri 06-Nov-09 13:42:51

Cerebellitis, inflammation of the Cerebellum. That's the most likely diagnosis anyway.

nappyaddict Fri 06-Nov-09 13:46:04

Ah DS had that caused by Encephalitis. How many months did it take him to walk again?

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