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DH wants ds1 to go to a resi unit

(36 Posts)
BobbingForPeachys Fri 23-Oct-09 19:08:51

ds1 thumped me gard in M&S and when we got home locked ds3 in the loo and hit him repeatedly for ten minutes whilst ds3screamed andwetried to bash the door down

I don't want tolose my baby, and I think I have asd placement from 2011 sorted, but i cant go on like this can I?

catkinq Fri 23-Oct-09 19:18:49

Could you ASD proof your house - like toddler proofing - remove all locks etc? We have sort of gone down that route in that we have changed door lockings so that dd can get away from ds1.

BobbingForPeachys Fri 23-Oct-09 19:20:36

Our house is toddler proof (have a toddler)

If ti ahdn't been a lock it would have ben the same, just with ds3 against the doror

have told Dh no but really dont know what to do next

Seuss Fri 23-Oct-09 19:24:21

Really feel for you but don't know what to say/suggest.sad Do you know much about residential units in your area?

Seuss Fri 23-Oct-09 19:25:59

(not saying you should/shouldn't just do you know what's out there?)

HairyMaclary Fri 23-Oct-09 19:26:37

Oh peachy, I'm so sorry. I don't really know what to say but I have been reading your posts over the last few months and it has appeared that DS1 is getting harder and harder to manage. I think you're right in some ways, you can't go on like this, it's not ok for you, DH, your other Dses or DS1 either.

Can you start looking - seriously - for residential places? If you then get in touch with SS it may prompt some action and real help which I know has been non existent for you. If not then you will know what is around and what they are like, maybe you will find one that will suit DS1? Someone on here went through this process (Davros??), maybe she can help.

I can really understand that you don't want him to go, it's a wrench that really no mother should have to make, but with no support I don't know if the situation is sustainable.

I'm sorry if I've spoken out of turn here. I have always admired your knowledge of ASD and your devotion to your boys and I know I lurk rather than post a lot, but this called out to me and without knowing you at all I felt I had to answer.

Take care

lou031205 Fri 23-Oct-09 19:30:04

Peachy sad Firstly - Are you OK? Is DS3 OK? How is DS1?

Second - I don't know. A year is a long time to risk your life. Can you call for an emergency reassessment? I don't know how you don't qualify for SS support, I really don't.

BobbingForPeachys Fri 23-Oct-09 19:33:53

DS3 is fine, a little shaken but thankfully he isnt too aware of anything, shaky when ds1 comes in but we've put him upstairs for a while. DS1 is swearing and telling me its my fault as I teased him earlier. I did, I pretended he was getting a Barbie for Christmas so its my fault sad

No idea about resi care here, never had anything to do with it.

DH is taking ds1 out tomorrow so ds3, ds4 and I can get time (ds2 will be there but with friends IYSWIM). DH seems calmer now-- he reacts immediately whereas I deal then go into shock

lou031205 Fri 23-Oct-09 19:41:40

Well, you couldn't possibly have predicted that saying DS1 would get a Barbie for Christmas would lead to these events, so that is ridiculous. And DS1 can't put the blame all on your shoulders, either.

Tomorrow sounds like a good idea. Regroup.

Seuss Fri 23-Oct-09 19:44:58

It wasn't your fault, not ds1's either, but not your fault.sad I think, if it were me, I would look into what's out there as a way of ruling it out/finding new possibilities. Could you use this situation - and the safety issues it highlights for ds3 - to try and get some kind of emergency reassessment like Lou said?

HairyMaclary Fri 23-Oct-09 19:45:08

Peachy you can't spend your whole time walking on eggshells to avoid a violent outburst. I know it is so different when it is a DS rather that a DH but it's a very similar situation to domestic violence. I'm sorry if I sound harsh, I mean it supportively.

You and your family really need some help and it is criminal that you aren't getting any. Maybe looking at and visiting some residential places may help with that.

BobbingForPeachys Fri 23-Oct-09 19:51:57

I am going to call SSD next week,they ever bothered assessing ds3 who is severe enough to need a SNU (and so about they time they helped a bit

Like Dh says the issue is impossible- DS3 stimming annoys ds1,and ds1hurting or scaring ds3 makes him stim. A vicious circle.

Seuss Fri 23-Oct-09 19:58:45

v. difficult. I guess you just keep plugging away trying to get the help you should already be getting. Has anyone ever advised you what you should do when your ds gets violent - interested from my own point of view as ds1 is getting older and generally my only strategy is to get the younger two to go out the room whilst I calm him down.

maryz Fri 23-Oct-09 19:59:04

Can you get some respite, or would that make things worse. I have always said that I wouldn't throw ds out, but recently there have been a few episodes and ds2 is now terrfied of him. I can't leave my children alone in the house, or even alone in a room, any more (the boys are 15 and 11 now) as it is unsafe. It is understandable that your dh wants to keep you and the other children safe. You are in an impossible position.

BobbingForPeachys Fri 23-Oct-09 22:09:49

Seuss BIBIC (before we pulled him when he threatened to bite the lady) talked us through somethings, such as wrapping him in a duvet which did help when he was younger.

But now he is almost ten and we'd have to catch him first.

Respite not on offer to us, we do not qualify, but I know the problem is linked mainly to school and lack of modifications.

have already decided to call him in sick last day of next term (today first day of half term) as they break up 22nd and I dont want him like this by the day. Clearly we need to do something now. And will.

We have an appt for ds3 and family on the 11th with CAMHs and i do trust her, so will talk to her as well as SENCO and SSD.

ouryve Fri 23-Oct-09 22:18:05

Oh, Peachy, I'm sorry.

I have no advice, but hope you find a solution, can persuade social services to take you seriously and pull their fingers out, for all your safety and sanity.

The whole situation must be terrifying and heartbreaking for you :/

daisy5678 Fri 23-Oct-09 22:26:26

Peachy sad I know how hard it is when your child is like that, and I haven't even got any other little people around to protect. I can't even imagine how hard that is.

I wonder if the SS route to go down is child protection rather than disability iykwim. Here, they're two separate teams and child protection can also authorise respite in situations like yours.

I also think your SS disability department are breaking the law in refusing to assess ds1. ds1 is a child in need in official terms as he has a disability and they have to assess. I know having the energy to fight and fight is shit, but your MP is good, isn't he? Can you appeal to him for help?

A safespace might be a good thing for ds1, if you could get funding from anywhere, but I know it's hard without SS support.

I guess finally, the point I know I go on about: medication. It has helped J massively. He used to headbutt, bite, slap, punch etc. etc. every day. He used to want to stab me and go for the knives and I used to have to restrain him for ages, as did school. Medication has helped him to be calmer and he is himself, but happier. Maybe ask paed at your next visit.

I'm so sorry it's so shit.

Seuss Fri 23-Oct-09 22:28:21

With you on the 'catching him first!' School have had some success with wrapping him in a weighted blanket when he gets upset but he's quite wiley so not great unless you can pre-empt the full meltdown. I've taken to making sure he takes his shoes off if he seems a bit 'sensitive' as he tends to kick things when upset. I used to be able to manouvre him upstairs and contain him in his bedroom but those days are gone.

Can't believe you don't qualify for respite. hopefully you can get something sorted through your appt for ds3 - good luck. So frustrating!angry

chegirlknowswhereyoulive Fri 23-Oct-09 22:31:19

Peachy no wonder you are finding that other thread so difficult tonight sad.

Ive got no advice I am afraid. DS has different issues and is not violent.

I am so sorry you are having to deal with this.

I hope you get the help you need.

LauraIngallsWilder Fri 23-Oct-09 22:55:23

OMG peachy how utterly awful for you all

My ds is a tall 8yo with aspergers - I can manage his outbursts atm but it is scarey to imagine how I will cope as he gets bigger

He is home educated now which has calmed him down a lot - but he still has outbursts and tempertantrums so HE hasnt entirely solved the problem

I am at a loss to know what can be done

feelingbetter Sat 24-Oct-09 01:41:32

Peachy,
I'm sorry sad
Please smack me down if I am out of line, but would it help? Would it help you and the other DS's and of course, DS1?

I read all your threads and, I'll be honest, as I read it, DS1 is becoming more violent. And he's getting bigger and stronger.

It's hard. I can't imagine it. It goes against everything you feel as a Mother - to look after and protect your baby, yourself. It's the day I dread, the day I can't look after and take care of my DS anymore, and of course, you imagine all sorts of horror about what happens when they are out of your care.

BUT, something has to change. Of course its not DS1s fault, and it is all to easy to feel that 'sending him away' is some sort of punishment sadsadsad.
Is there no halfway house type measure?

I'm in no way equipped to advise, just thinking out loud, but I feel for you all.
Why the fuck can't they give you some help angry x

asdx2 Sat 24-Oct-09 07:21:11

Having had a very aggressive ds with autism I really feel for you.
I will be honest and say we all have scars where we were attacked. I was afraid he would kill me one day and we were seriously thinking of a residential placement.
What we did though was change ds's school. He had a full statement detailing 1 to 1 support but his first school wasn't implementing the strategies it detailed routinely and consistently.
The new school did and the difference was amazing.
Ds is now 14, touching six feet tall had he continued as he was he would have caused serious harm at the size he is.
He attends an autism unit attached to a mainstream school. He has been taught to recognise when he feels out of control and remove himself from the situation.
He hasn't hit anybody in years and because he has learnt how to manage his anger I am confident that he won't ever hurt anyone again.
A year is an awful long time to wait and more time for the violence to become ingrained. I think you need to be shouting for help now.

herjazz Sat 24-Oct-09 08:59:49

peachy - am so sorry things are getting so desperate and awful for yr family. I haven't really got any advice. Am staggered you don'y get any support. I hope yr enquiring about residential units serves as a kick up the arse for SS

really really hope things get better for you soon and thinking of you

CaptainPlump Sat 24-Oct-09 11:45:00

Hey Peachy -

No advice, it all sounds horrendous. I can't believe the lack of SS support you get, I'm having to adjust my view of my own local services and realise how lucky I am!

I had a chat with DS's CAMHS visitor the other day about his increasing violence, and she pretty much told me to prepare for the possibility that we'll have to consider a residential unit if we don't find a way to stop it before he gets too big and strong. It's heartbreaking! And it puts such a lot of pressure on you, as a parent, to be the perfect, consistent supermum who can "solve" it and keep the family together. Reading your post I guess I'm almost glad that my OH is so adamant that we're not having any more DC's...

Anyway, empathy. And good luck!

K xx

borderslass Sat 24-Oct-09 12:05:29

Peachy I know its no consolation but it can get better my boy is now 15 and up to the age of 12 was a nightmare quite violent I was always covered in bruises but I had to learn to be careful what I say to him as he is still volatile and takes everything literally you cant jest with him or he will snap and if he doesn't want to go somewhere he wont go happened several times in the summer and his attacks can be quite sustained but not all the time any more my husband has asked many times over the years for me to consider care but I can't I feel responsible for how he is even though deep down its not my fault. Residential school was mentioned for high school 4 years ago when he was in p6 (year 5) but he never got in, at first I was devastated but when he never got in I was gutted because I thought we'd have a "normal" life for once but the school he is in has been the making of him we were lucky he got into Kaimes but it is a 60 mile round journey every day for him.
We don't get much input from social work either you need to chase them if you want help and I'm very reluctant to admit I can't cope, as I see at as failure. Good luck in what you decide to do only you know your son.

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