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Will this ever end?

(21 Posts)
BobbingForPeachys Tue 20-Oct-09 16:41:27

Just had a dad at the door, ds1 threatened to stab and kill thier child today at school during playtime.

I know it was over the child and ds2 biockering about swappable toys. I had told ds1 to stay clear.

What do I do? The Dad grilled me about how I will discipline ds1 and whilst I will discuss it with DH I am out of ideas tbh.

AM shaking now. Fisrt time anyone has come to the house and it seems to get closer every time.

BTW don't think I bloame the dad in any way (though I do think their child was playing innocent with the ds2 thing but ds2 loses out on the help for that becuase DS1 took it over the edge again).

Fucked off, not with the child or the Dad but my life.

HelensMelons Tue 20-Oct-09 16:52:12

Peachy, not sure what age ds1 is but would a written social story help with bubbles for speech and 'the right of way of doing something' and 'the wrong way of doing something' and a conclusion?

Sometimes it's just the reminder that our kids are different and it's nobodys business how you discipline him.

Don't be fucked off with your life - are you still doing your masters if you are I'm jealous!

BobbingForPeachys Tue 20-Oct-09 16:56:33

I am HM and I am enjoying it.

DS1 says he will get the boy tomorrow, I am scared what he will do sad. This is a new Head (I advised the dad to call them- after all I have asked endlessly for his 1-1 time to be at unstructured times and they refused) and I don't know how she willreact. She is strict I know.

sarah293 Tue 20-Oct-09 17:58:32

Message withdrawn

grumpyoldeeyore Tue 20-Oct-09 17:59:06

Our school has a rule that NO parent is allowed to directly approach another child or their parent to discuss an incident at school - it must go through the school - so I would suggest your head implement the same and explain this to the Dad concerned - he should not have come to your house however upset. The school also ban swappable toys except after school when the parents have to take responsibility for the inevitable arguments. I agree you should flag it up as another reason why playtimes should be properly covered.

2shoescreepingthroughblood Tue 20-Oct-09 18:10:18

I wouldn't be happy at the dad comming to your home.
can you talk to the school, this should have been dealt with by them(doubt if the other boy is an agel, more likely 6 of one and half a dozen of another)

catkinq Tue 20-Oct-09 18:40:11

I'd get really heavy with the school. They are clearly not managing your ds's behaviour. I really hate this idea that somehow, by pure power of thought, parents can influence their children's behaviour whilst at school. Did the father complain to the school? Often paretns do not like gin got teh school and this can cause the problems in teh first place as whn you ask for 1-1 at unstructured times tehy say no as there is "no problem".

BobbingForPeachys Tue 20-Oct-09 18:50:07

other boys not an angel- dh tells me the apparently swapped unfairly by DS2 toy that child demanded back was in fact DS2's so the other child lied directly to me.

He is however younger than ds1 and despite having arguments with ds2 (which we were dealing with by coaching how to say no) oesn't deserve to be threatened so horribly.

Dad is going to call school tomorow,thankfully. No idea what Dad does (I know childs nan who does the schoolrun and is a neighbour a bit better) but as soon as I said AS- playtimes he said 'ah unstructured times' so I would guess is somewhat knowledgeable.

he did ask if I ahd bothered to tell teh school about the AS at which point I was hmm as I seem to spend half my life telling them (!) and he is statemented, but a,m now wondering- I heard that a parent was an asd advisory teacher and thought it was another but maybe not, maybe its him and we will finally find out why ds1 hasn't ever been referred to them (clue: school says there are no issues)

Typically its my first day this school year helping out there tomorrow. Dammit.

Am still a bit shaken, DH is annoyed that he brought it to the door.

BobbingForPeachys Tue 20-Oct-09 18:54:58

DS1 is adament that he didn'teven threaten the child and that child is a liar.

I have no way of knowi9ng.


HelensMelons Tue 20-Oct-09 19:02:44

Peachy it sounds a bit like the school have unrealistic expectations around what you can actually do to prevent a further situation in school tomorrow or even in the future. If this happened during unstructured play and you have highlighted to them that ds needs some support around this time, what do they expect to happen!? It's like a self fulfilling prophecy!?

Throw it back to the school, he needs help during unstructured play what compromise can be reached over it and ask them why there has been such a delay in getting your referral to the asd advisory teacher - he should be able to advocate on your ds's behalf, to a degree, surely?

Sorry, rant over, schools make me mad a times.

and you are doing your masters, I am jealous, is it hard work? (stupid question probably)

Davros Tue 20-Oct-09 19:03:58

Maybe the dad can't get anywhere with the school. Does seem a bit extreme to come to your home and rather intimidating. Can you ask him to put it in writing as it would help you get proper support and avoid such situations? He'd probably run a mile.

catkinq Tue 20-Oct-09 19:17:35

Could you contact the father again (when he has calmed down) and suggest that you go to the school together? I guess looking at it from his side he has a child who is claiming to have been threatened and maybe he has gone to the school and been told that there is nothign that they can do and so he has come to you. The school may well be playing the two of you off against one another when actually you both want teh same thing - ie all the children playing nicely with support as and when necessary. If you were both there then the school could hardly continue to tell you that there is no problem and/or tell him that it is the "parents to blame".

BobbingForPeachys Tue 20-Oct-09 22:00:05

He didnt seem anygry rbyh (though who wouldnt be?), he is happy to call tomorow- he doesn't doschool run so probably heard afterwards.

This isn't the first time,last time it was on schoolpremises and very aggressive, and nothing happened then. However, I had a chat with ds3's SN teacher today (at the review, completely coincidental) about trying for a place in a specialist AS unit and I hope this might trigger theschool to help us..... usually though what happens is it gets brushed under the carpet (last time I was told eds1 was being saet up, but ds1 was punished and I still haven't worked that out- that head left though).

I remember old head said asd advisory service couldn't takea referral if child had been referred to theteam for thoseat risk of offending- but the team ds1 was referred to never even responded. Argh.

HM the talkseach weekare great (so far specialist psych, ASD SLT and ed p[sych from NICE committee) but the work itself is hard.

BobbingForPeachys Wed 21-Oct-09 09:17:34

Spoke to TA today (Head hosting a aprent's coffee morning) and she is going to chat to the Dep Head, TA is going to back me in trying to get ds1 a palce at the specialist AS unit at comp level (DS1 is year 5 atm). I have called LEA (I have a severe phone phobia so if I don't call immediately I cannot do it at all- daft cow me) and they will get abck to me over arrnagements- when I went to see ds3's SNU we had to book through the LEA.

<<Praying we get a place>>

chopstheduck Wed 21-Oct-09 09:38:56

keepign everything crossed for you, peachy.

HelensMelons Wed 21-Oct-09 16:07:40

Fingers crossed also that he gets a place. DS1 in specialist SALT unit and it has made all the difference. Hope it gets sorted x

daisy5678 Wed 21-Oct-09 20:52:22

Oh peachy sad

I think it's probably time to write a request to the LEA for a re-assessment - firstly, to up his hours and secondly, to set up need for unit at secondary level.

There's a sample letter on IPSEA, I'm sure. Ds1 needs a new Statement that will actually address his needs, not what the school feel like doing when they feel like doing it.

So sorry you've got all this to deal with.

BobbingForPeachys Wed 21-Oct-09 21:05:35

The lady at the LEA says to wait until his transition meeting. The SENCO is going tp phone me though to disucss.

Am a bit in shock- i've always thought of ds1 as mild as ut with aggressive stuff; he was referred to today as Severe AS and I was questioned as to why on earth I would thinnk he won't get a palce.

Have a feeling I need to start taking an advocate to things as I clearly am missing more than I relaised.

TotalChaos Wed 21-Oct-09 21:28:09

peachy - I really don't think you are missing loads - I suspect it's more the case that they suddenly tell you how suitable your DS would be for a unit place etc because they anticipate one will be available for him/he meets whatever less than transparent criteria they use on their panels - IME noone ever mentioned the existence of language units to me - I had to grill the professionals about them - as for whatever reason my DS wasn't seen as a suitable candidate.

BobbingForPeachys Wed 21-Oct-09 21:37:11

I just thought maybe it was my aspieness affedcting it?

Does anyone know if I can get a family fund grant for a fire extinguisher to install by the front door, to deal with the flaming torches accompanying the pitchforks? wink <<sob>>

grumpyoldeeyore Wed 21-Oct-09 22:35:40

They tell you what they want at the time, in the past week I have been told DS needs are mild and easily accommodated at M/S and that he is very severely affected little boy for whom SN nursery would be suitable. No surprise one view was from the LEA and the other the NHS. Glad things are looking up anyway.

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