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Tips on dealing with ignorant relatives

(7 Posts)
fanjoforthemammaries7850 Wed 14-Oct-09 20:40:22

Just wondered how you all deal with ignorant but well-meaning relatives who criticise you and blame you for your child's SN and differences.

DD (3 on Friday) pretty much definitely has ASD - we are currently undergoing diagnosis process, which is HARD. She is not potty trained yet as if you tried to ask if she needed the toilet she would ignore you and basically wee on the floor while walking away.

Tonight my (childless) auntie was literally shouting at me saying "what a work you have made for yourself with nappies and getting up at night, it's YOUR fault, it is YOUR fault."

When I said these things were harder with ASD she said "But you didn't train her BEFORE she was autistic."

She also said "she is not autistic because she will occasionally look at you".

AAARGH.

This was however after a day of helping me out with DD which I am grateful for. My DHsays bite my tongue and agree but i will NOT agree to taking the blame for DD's difficulties.

FIL has also said in the past that it is all my fault because I "overprotect" DD and let her "rule the roost".

Does anyone have any tips?

Otherwise I can see me falling out with my auntie very soon indeed. sad

Sazisi Wed 14-Oct-09 21:08:36

In that situation I think I'd shut them out, but that's not helpful advice, it is how I'd probably react blush

Have you given them info, shown them any books or factsheets? Some people find it easier to understand when things are written in black and white.

I printed out a paper specially written for grandparents of children diagnosed with aspergers, emailed it to my in-laws the week we got the dx, and have to say they have been wonderful about it. Perhaps there's something similar for classic autism? If it's aspergers your daughter has, I can email it to you, if you wish?

Your experience is typical I think, but most relatives do get their heads around it eventually.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 Wed 14-Oct-09 21:29:57

Thanks.
Am tempted to shut them out but can't, for many reasons.
I'd say dd was more HFA than asperger's. I agree informing them is the way to go,will look for something online.

RaggedRobin Wed 14-Oct-09 22:07:18

here is a link to the site about aspergers for grandparents.

perhaps you could copy and paste it and change "aspergers" to "asd"?

fanjoforthemammaries7850 Wed 14-Oct-09 22:27:07

thanks!
Some of that is very good,about the grandparents attitudes.
The description of the child is the opposite of dd though, she is incredibly easy-going and happy,but doesn't speak or interact well and stims.
Maybe i could adapt it though! smile

RaggedRobin Wed 14-Oct-09 23:07:47

tbh, i'm amazed that you kept your cool! and i know you already know this, but just to be sure, it's NOT your fault. hope some of the info helps auntie to appreciate this.

janess404 Thu 15-Oct-09 00:15:04

Yes i know where you are coming from my friends all say well at least he is happy he cant be poorly!!! as if pretending he is ok makes him ok it can be so fraustrating, people are ignorant, i think its in general tho and would not take it personally i just think they are unqualified to even comment about my child.

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