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feel sick at this .

(15 Posts)
drlove8 Thu 01-Oct-09 19:46:35

as you all know DD4 has SN. she is suspected asd , has learning difficulties and is still in nappies at four.
breif history - my dd3 has a friend at from school... her mum and i are friends and i childmind this wee girl on a regular basis.
today dd3 told me, after her friend was picked up by her mum that at school today , infront of another wee girl she called my DD4 A RETARD!
we are not talking about 5 yrolds here.the girls are 11 yr old.
Im angry and hurt , mostly hurt , by this child...who knows my dd4 ,i thought we'd explained what autism is ok.She is my friends daughter ,what do i do ?
Now i fear that dd3 will be bullied because of her little sister. sad

sickofsocalledexperts Thu 01-Oct-09 19:55:16

I think you need to talk to the mum, in very plain and unemotional tones, and ask her to have a word with her girl about how using the word retard as it is as offensive as some way out of date racist terms (starting with n). The 11 year old may have heard it somewhere else, may not quite realise how awful it is you could say, but she has upset your daughter. Try it that way first?

drlove8 Thu 01-Oct-09 20:00:45

i know i need to bring it up with my friend , but i cant fathom where her dd had even heard such a word tbh.
her mums a mental health nurse , and i know its not her language.She'll be devistated at her dd using it , not to mention embarrased.

herjazz Thu 01-Oct-09 20:08:22

sadly I think the word is used quite a lot amongst older kids. Agree that there is very little understanding of how offensive / upsetting the it is

so sorry you had to hear it used to describe yr dd. V upsetting for you all I imagine

At least yr friend will be able to back you up and will be able to explain to her dd why it is not good to use

sickofsocalledexperts Thu 01-Oct-09 20:08:55

I think you should steel yourself and tell her, if only because otherwise her own child is looking like an ill-educated little arsehole and showing her mum up.Kids hear all sorts at school, or on the net. I have an awful feeling they use the word retard fairly indiscriminately nowadays, much as they use the word "gay" to mean "silly". You could text her if you can't face the chat, say you're a bit upset as her DD used the word retard today about DD4 and can you talk at some point?

drlove8 Thu 01-Oct-09 20:18:00

tried to phone her just now but shes not answering .... DH is going mental , he's not happy at all about this .
Actually i dont want to childmind/look after this wee girl now.sadI dont want her around my dd4. think i need a large glass of wine and a hug from dh.sad

deaddei Thu 01-Oct-09 21:47:24

Poor you.
My dd (13) came home from school saying one of the girls in the class had called another a "spaz"- I absolutely hate that word. She'd never heard it before, but knew instinctively it wasn't an appropriate word. So she told the teacher- good for her.
I hope you had your glass of wine and are perhaps enjoying another.

donkeyderby Thu 01-Oct-09 23:11:26

I have a 17-yr-old DD and she says that 'retard' and 'spaz' are everyday words in schools. It's shit isn't it.

ICANDOTHAT Fri 02-Oct-09 12:41:35

They are 'common' words used by kids, however, I would mention it to the mum and any decent parent would have a quiet word. As you rightly said, she's not too small and should be able to understand the impact of a word. My older son calls my little one (dx ADHD) a retard and weirdo. I have spoken to him many times about it, but he still does it when angry with him sad

sodit Fri 02-Oct-09 13:31:56

alot of the time kids hear the words used but without knowing the true meaning. I used to teach in secondary school and especially the youngers ones knew it was wrong to comment on any thing that differentiates others - race, disability and if a bad word was used eg the n or p word and retard the whole room would fall silent but i have heard spaz used without the reaction. Instead of trying to meet targets and move up league tables schools should help in teaching young children right from wrong.

Jo5677 Fri 02-Oct-09 13:41:34

I agree with sodit there. I think teachers and parents should spend time teaching children how to be good people and right from wrong rather than just focusing on their childs academic performance. Some of the children at one of my daughtes school are extremely clever academically,its just a shame their parents and teachers don't seem to have put much time into teaching those kids right from wrong, as although i hate to say it some of the kids don't seem like they're turning into such nice people.

Marne Fri 02-Oct-09 14:14:06

I would be so angry, an 11 year old should know better really, i hope you get hold of her mother and i hope the girl gets a good talking too.

We had a similar experience a few weeks agoat a party where an older child was calling dd2 (ASD) a discusting child and took the mick out of dd2's eating habits, i was very upset and angry that a child could be so mean to a 3.5 year old.

drlove8 Sun 04-Oct-09 22:07:44

smile - thanx everyone for being there for me ... will now give you a wee update on this .
my friend called me back eventually , and i told her what had gone on. She was horrified at her wee girl and asked her where on earth she'd heard such a thing and why say that in the first place.... turns out the wee girl had asked her dad, my friends ex-p what autism is ... and his answer is " retards" .... this man is a prize and a half -not! My DH would like a quiet word with the tosser .
My friend was sobbing down the phone when she told me what she'd found out.... the little girl honestly did not realise that what she`d said was offensive and hurtfull.
this ***RD of a man also uses racist terms and thinks its ok...angryangryangry
(one of the reasons my friend got rid tbh).
She sat her DD down and explained that its not on and she must ever ever use that term again....the wee girl was in tears , and kept saying im so sorry i didnt know it was a bad word.sadbut how would she if she's never heard it used before ?
I feel rotten for feeling angry at her earlier...sad, its all so upsetting.
stupid bigot of a man needs to have a word with himself.hmm

sarah293 Mon 05-Oct-09 08:31:13

Message withdrawn

drlove8 Wed 07-Oct-09 15:22:09


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