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Please tell me you're not all perfect and sometimes you fuck up :(

(36 Posts)
nappyaddict Wed 30-Sep-09 18:22:59

Had the most horrible day ever. Not a good day anyway as it's 8 years since my brother died today.

Went to toddler group as we normally do on a Wednesday and there were a couple of new faces there which is always nice to see.

Towards the end of the session when we were putting all the toys away I thought to myself "I'm really proud of DS today. He's made it to the end of the session (we only go for the last 45 mins - 1 hour so it doesn't get too much for him) without even attempting to pinch or bite somebody." This is a really good achievement for him as at one point he was attempting to do it to children left, right and centre. Most weeks we managed to escape without him actually doing anything to anybody cos I stuck to him like glue, following him everywhere and never taking my eyes off him, but he was still attempting to do it IYSWIM.

Anyway I thought too soon didn't I. We were all sat in a square getting ready to sing some songs. DS was sat next to me on the bench but he must have slipped off quietly without me realising. The next thing I know one of the new mums is shouting No No so I turn and look and DS is doing what looks like pulling her 7 month old baby's ears. I jump up as quick as I can without knocking over everyone's hot drinks and remove him. I tell him off and do the whole "Why did you do that, you know we don't pull baby's ears. They're much smaller than you and you have to be gentle. Do you want to go and say sorry?" At which point he says no, so I say "Well we will go home then" so then he goes to say sorry.

I felt mortified but I thought all was ok, the baby had stopped crying fairly quickly and I sat back down with DS making him sit on my lap this time.

Anyway a couple of minutes later she comes over to show me a red mark on the back of her baby's head which DS must have done. It's all a bit blurry but she said something about not being happy (fair enough) and that I should have been watching him and some other mum had told her that he'd pinched her DS a few weeks ago. (Was slightly annoyed about this as that particular mum had reassured me not to worry about it and they all do it and you can't watch them 100% of the time and these things happen occasionally) I said "I'm sorry I didn't see him get off the bench. He has said sorry and I've told him off" (I wasn't sure if she thought I'd not done anything about it) To which she said "Well that's not good enough. How old is he? 3? You need to keep him under control."

At which point I was shaking and about to collapse into tears. I know it's pathetic but I just felt like she was saying I was a terrible mum and I've honestly never had a reaction like that before and it's horrible. My mum has once when she picked him up from preschool and he had done something but my mum's a lot tougher than me and just said "Look he's not our responsibility when he's at preschool. If you've got a problem which is fair enough as he's meant to have 1 to 1 care to prevent him from hurting other children there then you need to bring it up with them."

Need a large glass of wine and a big bar of chocolate I think

Marne Wed 30-Sep-09 18:31:49

sending you hugs

You didn't fuck up and i have seen many NT children do the same as your DS, the woman (mum) was being a bit harsh, was it her first born? Why didn't she just move her child away as soon as your ds started pulling its ears (maybe she should have kept her eye on her child).

I have days where i just want to collapse and cry so i know how you are feeling, i'm not very thick skinned and i get upset by peoples comments.

Your not a terrible mum so don't beet yourself up about it.

sickofsocalledexperts Wed 30-Sep-09 18:33:37

What Marne said. Only yesteday I was in a soft play area and a totally nf 3 year old boy kicked in the head the baby I was minding. With the mother sitting right there watching! It's just a case of boys will be boys, and bitchy mothers of pfb will be bitches! Fuck her, have that wine!

nappyaddict Wed 30-Sep-09 18:38:15

She wasn't a PFB she had an older daughter who is 2.6

She was sat on the benches with her DD1 and her DD2 was sat up in a pushchair a bit away from the benches. She was even further away than I was so couldn't get there in time either.

catkinq Wed 30-Sep-09 18:40:12

I'd try not to worry about it. All children do that sort of thing. Was it the lady's first baby? It sounds like she is just not used to older toddlers. If she has older children herself then I can't really believe that this is the first time that baby has had its ears pulled!

sickofsocalledexperts Wed 30-Sep-09 18:41:20

Well she shouldn't have left her baby alone , stupid cow. There are kids running round, accidents happen and it's her who should be looking after her baby rather than singing bleeding "I'm a little teapot"! Go back next week, hold your head high, maybe take your mum?

Marne Wed 30-Sep-09 18:42:18

Well she shouldn't have left her child in the pushchair. I wouldn't worry, i'm sure her eldest daughter has pocked the baby a few times.

flyingmum Wed 30-Sep-09 18:42:30

Sounds like a bit of a precious mum to me. Many many many toddlers NT or SEN could do this. Why didn't she whip her baby out of the way then. You did the right thing and I would feel just like you if it had happened to me. I got attacked outside school gates for daring to tell a child off who was strangling another child infront of me. Aparantly it was 'rough play' and I scared her child! There are bonkers people everywhere. I can understand her being a bit pissed off but she clearly wasn't watching her kid too closely because she could have preempted your child's actions by saying something to him or even steering his arms away or grabbing them if he looked like he was going to hit a young baby. Essentially she was interrupted having a good old gossip and not actually focusing on her baby and you've got the thin end of the wedge. Yes in a perfect world your son shouldn't have but he did and you acted in the right way.

nappyaddict Wed 30-Sep-09 18:47:53

sickofsocalledexperts The funny thing is sometimes my mum does come, cos my friend's mum goes aswell and they like to have a natter. This week she didn't cos she was obviously a bit upset and I actually thought it's a good job she didn't cos my mum's got a very quick temper and I dread to think what she would have said!!

Marioandluigi Wed 30-Sep-09 19:03:50

She sounds a bit precious to me too!

My DS hit our GP in the face last week as she was trying to examine him, the appointment ended with her asking me how I was coping.So yes I fuck up all the time.

Please dont feel too upset. I have seen both SN and NT children do much worse.

Hope you are enjoying a nice glass of wine

cornsilk Wed 30-Sep-09 19:11:06

Agree other mum sounds precious. Can't bear mums like that.

Marioandluigi Wed 30-Sep-09 19:13:13

Its normally Mum's like that who's children turn into the worst offenders, the 'Butter wouldnt melt' type.

MoonlightMcKenzie Wed 30-Sep-09 19:27:10

Don't be daft, you're not a bad mum. Can understand why you're shaken though. You need to get a tougher skin that's all. You can't help what this mum said to you, but you can help how you feel about it.

This won't be the worst thing you have to deal with. Just forgive her for having such an easy life that she can make such a big deal of it, whilst you drink your wine and prepare for tomorrow's challenges.

catkinq Wed 30-Sep-09 19:48:52

maybe she was feeling over sensitive because her older child had spent the mornig poking baby or something - kids (all kids) hit and bite and fight and ear pull. It is normal.

Simplistica Wed 30-Sep-09 19:57:44

' "Well that's not good enough

I find asking what exactly I should be doing, what technique they know of that every EdPsych / SALT / teacher etc has failed tot hink of

It doesn't change much in terms of what happens but maybe makes them think it's not necessatrily that easy

You dind't eff up. We all eff up from time to time anyway, but you didn't.

ChopsTheDuck Wed 30-Sep-09 20:03:27

Enjoy your wine, you deserve it!

I really don't think you fucked up. I agree that the baby shouldn't have been left alone. Any mum who leaves their baby unsupervised with a room full of toddlers is a bit of a numpty.

I think we all have days like that when things can really get to us, but it wasn't your fault.

nappyaddict Wed 30-Sep-09 20:15:17

Simplistica I did say I don't know what else you think I should have done but it fell on deaf ears as she was stomping off out at this point.

I felt like we should have been the ones to leave but I had told DS we would go if he didn't say sorry, so when he did say sorry I didn't feel like we could then leave before it had finished cos I would have been going back on my word.

janess404 Wed 30-Sep-09 20:38:26

Your son did this with no malice he doesnt understand if she cant see this and has no empathy then tell her to go fuck herself!!!

the baby will be fine our children have to live with the condition for the rest of their lives!

Note dont condone baby bashing but really nothing bad actully happened here

sc13 Thu 01-Oct-09 11:16:03

May I just say how impressed I was that your DS 1) understood you when you spoke to him, and it was quite a long sentence, 2) answered, 3) then went and said sorry. I think this is brilliant, and it is something you should be very proud of.
Masses of NT kids his age wouldn't have been able to do that, and a lot of mothers would not have bothered to have them say sorry.
I don't think you could have done any better than you did. And your mum sounds very cool.

misscutandstick Thu 01-Oct-09 11:35:54

she left her baby unattended in a toddler group that shes never been to before? seriously??? I dont think numpty even nearly covers it!

saintlydamemrsturnip Thu 01-Oct-09 14:38:04

Oh she's just a silly cow, don't let her put you off.

Does he have a diagnosis? If so when she says 'how old is he? 3? you should be able to keep him under contro?' then is the time to say 'I'm sorry, he has autism/gdd/whatever dx he has so he is more like a 1 or 2 year old in many respects.'

Something like that anyway. I rarely 'use the dx' - usually I just ignore someone being arsey - although ds1 is older so I think they should get it without needing it spelt out- but that sort of situation is a good one to be reasonable and explain. They either at that stage go off the deep end and say children with disabilities shouldn't mix with nice normal children (in which case they've just shown themselves up to be utter arseholes to everyone) or they get v. embarrassed, apologise and go home having learnt not to jump straight in.

Simplistica Thu 01-Oct-09 15:02:16

But of course the real twunts will follow that with 'then he shouldn't be allowed here', that's actually great- its the equivalent of wearing a badge saying 'I'm a tosser, ignore me'

DS3 got into a scrape with a ten year old a few eyars back (he was 4)- child cornered him at a alpycentre poking him and ds3 bit.His Mum said 'there is no difference between how a ten year old should behave and a 4 year old' (another example of the badge of idiocy clause wink)- then followed with the autism not alolowed out crap making a big scene.

As she left her sn and her called us 'fucking wankers and gave us the finger.

We were sdhaken but I soemhow feel I know which set of children were better off, DX or not!

nappyaddict Thu 01-Oct-09 21:38:34

saintlydame we are not really sure what SN he has at the moment. He is being assessed at the moment for possible autism. When I have mentioned it in the past I have had people accuse me of "playing the disability card" and "that's no excuse. if that's the case you should watch him better" to which i felt they had a point even though i was stood right behind him and just wasn't quick enough to stop it.

nappyaddict Thu 01-Oct-09 21:41:47

sc I'm not sure he does understand my explaining to him TBH but I feel as though I have to try in case some of it sinks in. He certainly didn't respond or look guilty in any way. He just kept laughing, flapping his arms, going up and down on tip toes, trying to get away, not looking at me and looking very distracted and uninterested. He definitely understood when I said "do you want to go home" but whether he got the rest I don't know.

MoonlightMcKenzie Thu 01-Oct-09 22:01:03

Hi Nappyaddict. I'm sorry I've been so caught up in my own rubbish I didn't realise you were not too far behind us. You CATed me a year ago wrt my ds and his hearing.

DS got his dx of autism a week last Monday, but when we were told he was being referred for 'possible' autism, everything became clear and we had no doubt.

Good luck with your journey.

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