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So p*off to hear others telling me how bad their nt kids are...

(33 Posts)
mysonben Sun 27-Sep-09 20:19:21

I am not saying NT children are always a walk in the park to raise. All kids can be a handful.

But my patience is wearing thin now, whenever i get to talk to someone else who has young kids they say "DS does this and DD does that! OMG, they don't listen to me! I can't bear these kids...blah blah"
Both one of my friend and my sis are the main culprits for it. Their issues with their nt kids sometimes seem trivial to me, and they make such a fuss of things.

I stay polite and stand there like a lemon, but i'm annoyed and want to shout.
I have plenty on my plate with DS (3.11, asd) and his problems, and some days i need to have the patience of a saint to get through bad patches (like now).

Am i over-reacting ?....probably.
I'm not saying no one else should ever tell me of their problems with their kids. I just wish they could see things in perspective really and not over do it, IYSWIM?

Do you get fed up with listening to NT kids issues from relatives and friends?
If you do, what do you say to them?

JustKeepSwimming Sun 27-Sep-09 21:15:47

I get similar

my DS2 sleeps all day and i get fed up of hearing other mums complaining about how little their NT kids sleep - they have the freedom to go out all day if they want. we can hardly leave the house.

I don't say anything tbh as i worry that once i start i won't be able to stop and i will end up a sobbing mess in the corner blush

just grit teeth and hope the look on my face tells enough of a story for them to 'get it' one day....

sympathies.

troutpout Sun 27-Sep-09 21:29:32

It doesn't bother me tbh
We all have our troubles and worries about our children.It isn't a contest.
I have an nt child too...and yes i do find her hardwork at times.

herjazz Sun 27-Sep-09 21:33:12

I think sometimes people over empathise in some sort of misguided stab at reasurring you - ie trying to normalise yr situation with yr dc will make you feel better. I guess it can also be done with less kindness and more resent - why should you get special help and support for yr dc, that's no worse than my life and lot... not experienced this myself. I would cut these people out my life. I have friends who over empathise with good intent - It can get v irritating

Other folk just like to whinge. Sometimes it gets on my tits hearing them prattle on about trite. I think my facial expressions tend to give me away. Or just saying ' m mmm' really blankly and changing the subject at earliest opportunity. Then avoiding them May have said at times something along the lines of 'I wish that was all I had to deal with' BUT, I try and be mindful in coming across like I have the monopoly on disgruntledness - like no other person dare moan around me blah blah. Its all relative innit? - if someone was sad cos their pet had died it would be rather cruel to dismiss their sadness. Tho saying that, if you were going through close personal bereavement it would be misplaced for that person to lean on you

I think what levels it out for me is that I'm a pretty big whinger of trifle myself. I tend to moan on more about the insignificant little details rather than real issues in my life. Tho I tend to do so in more self deprecating / funny way than in big doom and gloom tirades

TotalChaos Sun 27-Sep-09 21:41:56

herjazz - am loving your work on this thread and on the ballet thread. think you've covered all bases with your post!

sometimes I think if one is feeling raw, it might be better to avoid those with kids around the age of your own kid with SN - even before I had any worries bout my DS's development I preferred to get any advice from friends with older kids or the ones with 4 plus kids who had been there, done that and couldn't be arsed with competitiveness. I appreciate with family it's different - and to be fair to the OP, from her previous post certain members of her family have previous form for making upsetting comments to her.

JustKeepSwimming Sun 27-Sep-09 21:44:21

herjazz - i like your style!
<strives to be more like herjazz!>

I think, if i really analyse it, those who P me off are those who would P me off regardless blush
they are competitive anyway, and me having an SN child just makes me feel more justified in being peed off.

<resolves to not get peed off over such silliness....grin>

herjazz Sun 27-Sep-09 21:48:34

oh and following on from troutpout who's point I do also agree with

sometimes, maybe people are moaning on to you about things which their dc are doing which they think you have some experience with and can help. In that case, I do try and help. I like that my friend's can ask me about practically any health mare or scare and I can advise. But then if they were to keep going on and on about it - it would get on my nerves

But I haven't really been in this situation cos my friends are all sensitive to the fact dd is v ill and don't sound me out for this purpose

herjazz Sun 27-Sep-09 21:55:53

ooh I cross posted with me compliments!

whythenkyew. I read it back after posting and thought it could be construed as rather blunt

2shoes Sun 27-Sep-09 22:03:44

I feel your pain
but having a foot in both camps, nt can be a worry as well.
but I do admit to cringing sometimes at the ott whinging.

debs40 Sun 27-Sep-09 22:31:28

I think it's like this with everything in life isn't it?

I mean I lost both my parents before I was thirty and they never saw my kids but people will still moan to me about how they were left without help for a week while their mum and dad went on holiday.

I am the only relative supporting a disabled brother with cerebral palsy but people still moan about how demanding their mum/sister can be when they insist they come round for Sunday lunch.

Equally, there are face far tougher lives than me so who am I to complain?

It's all relative. Everyone's problems are real to them and kids of all shapes and sizes can be bloody hard work. Not everyone is empathetic or sensitive but they are not all intentionally winding you up.

mysonben Sun 27-Sep-09 22:59:03

Thanks for replying ladies.

Troutpout, you are right it isn't a contest.
Never would i try to play down their issues and worries or imply that my problems with DS are greater.
What i'm ranting about is the fact that these two particular persons go on and on, each and every time as if their dc are simply the worst and most difficult kids to deal with...hmm and it grates on my nerves in the end.

Herjazz, you said it perfectly wink.

2shoes,like you i have a mixed bag at home, all children are a worry to mums at one time or another, my DS1 is now 16y, NT, so is my DD 17m. DS2 who is nearly 4, ASD, has been so much more difficult on many aspects, but not all thankfully.

Totalchaos, you guessed right, my sis is the cause of the upset this evening again... grin

Not sure if any of you have read my other thread on the scare DS gave us last night (nearly strangled himself), but my sis had no nice words to say to me, only that her DS is so annoying atm because he answers back to her!...ott whinging as usual.

I hope one day, i will learn to take it all in my stride and not let it bother me anymore.

mysonben Sun 27-Sep-09 23:14:12

Debs40, i second everything you said.
Apart from one little bit..."Not everyone is empathetic or sensitive but they are not all intentionally winding you up."
"Not everyone" yes true. But my sis i seriously have my doubts with her, she can be be so mean sometimes and not just with me.

I guess i'm stressing about our visit next week to mums, because she will be there, and that will be our first family reunion since DS' verbal dx ,so i'm bracing myself for her words of wisdom about ASD. hmm

debs40 Mon 28-Sep-09 08:50:35

I sympathise, I really do as I had a friend who was equally discompassionate in times of trouble - I got rid of her long before all this happened. Not so easy with sisters I know!

Don't talk to her about it. Don't give her the chance to wind you up. If conversation strays on to the subject of kids and ASD, just say you've got appointments lined up and will let her know how it goes. She is never going to be sympathetic and it will only hurt your feelings if you engage with her on it.

sarah293 Mon 28-Sep-09 09:03:48

Message withdrawn

pagwatch Mon 28-Sep-09 09:13:56

Of course it is tough to have to listen too
But there is a worse alternative which is that no one ever talks to you about anything ordinary or average because your life experience is so much harder than theirs.

Just try being around people who walk on egg shells around you and you will see.

I WANT people to just relax and be themselves around me however annoying it is at times. I want the oppertunity not to be forver some kind of weird categaory of extreme parenting, so up my arse about how tough my life is that no one is allowed to mention trivia.

I like trivia. I like people whining thattheir 8 year old will never tidy their room or their six year old keeps answering back. I like that everyone has exasperations big and small.
I don't want every aspect of my life to be about special

Davros Mon 28-Sep-09 09:26:23

My DS with ASD is 14 and I still get fed up with the whingers! I went to a coffee morning for the mums from my DD's (NT) class last week and it quite upset me. I am not going through a difficult or sensitive phase right now but they really got to me and pissed me off. None of them have any idea about our difficulties with DS who is now at a residential school, all they see is how easy life is for me with just DD to manage. I hear them moaning about how difficult it is to manage 3 NT kids with fulltime nannies! They don't know anything about tour previous years, how he came to be at a residential school, about how much we see DS now, what it is like when we see him, how much worrying and input we have when he is not here etc etc. I am thinking this all along while I am smiling inanely but I would never say it. I probably won't go next time.

There was talk last week about language development in bilingual households and I said I knew a bit about child development, especially communication, and it is proven this this won't make a difference. You should have seen the blank faces and squirming!

I think you are quite right to recognise how this makes you feel and have a moan here. I would also avoid the people you identify as causing you most grief, even if you cancel them once on some pretext but agree with yourself that you will go the next time, you're still cutting down the exposure which is all you can do with relatives really.

I also think it would be a good idea to come up with some strategy when this happens if you can think of one. When they are moaning about their kids look serious and ask if they think they need professional help!!! That should get them running for the hills! Or say something humourous, although I don't know what.

I wouldn't go to your mums next week. Give yourself a break, tell a big pork pie about why you can't go and don't feel bad about it. Or say you'll visit your mum another time soon when SHE won't be there.

DoNotPressTheRedButton Mon 28-Sep-09 09:32:33

I think I am with troutput on this mainly.

Now, as ds1 ages I do have to bite my tongue wheen people express concerns that their darling might not make it to Uni or somesuch bollocks,and I am trying to work out how independe3nt ds1 will be or how to get decent care forc ds3- but generally I try to equate upset as upset and not focus on the cause.

NT kids can be hard- you only hvae to look around a young offender unit to see that nt doens't equate with guarnteed outcome- and I know myself that I find my less severe ds1 far harder than ds3, ds2 has some bloody moments too!

mysonben Mon 28-Sep-09 10:51:19

Hi,
Reading all your posts make me realise that people can upset us by saying too much or not enough and there's only two choices one: ignore it, two: avoid it.
The key for me is to get a thicker skin and to stop been so defensive all the time.
I've always been quite a worrier and sensitive to what others think and say, but these issues with DS have taken that to another level!!! blush

Ii would be advisable to go to my mums some other time, but it isn't practical as she lives in france, we're going for a week and have booked time off of work,...
So i will have to put up with my sis who invited herself, her DH and kids to stay at mums that same week to catch up with us ...ARGGGH!!! (I would have welcome the thought should she be a little nicer), DH tells me we should organise to go out somewhere every day to get a break from her! wink

DoNotPressTheRedButton Mon 28-Sep-09 10:58:17

The thicker skin comes over time, ds1 is almost ten now after all.

claw3 Mon 28-Sep-09 11:00:34

Mysonben - I think until you have a SN kid yourself, you really have nothing to compare it with. Trivial to us perhaps, not so trivial to them.

I recently got my older son to video my ds on my mobile trying to dress him in the morning for school, pinching, kicking, punching and when my friend told me what a nightmare her kids were for getting dressed for school. I said 'you mean like this'!! the look on her face.

DoNotPressTheRedButton Mon 28-Sep-09 11:08:41

I find teachers are the worst- I mentioned to SENCO we had issues trying to keep ds1clean

'Oh' she said 'all teenagers are like that, I can nly get mine showered once every other day'

once a week DH and I both bath ds1; if he is in a good mood it only causes a meltdown and a punch or two, bad day and we have to strip him and jointly carry him to the bath

troutpout Mon 28-Sep-09 12:03:11

Just read back (and must apologise for) my rather blunt post from last night
Pagwatch said it much better
smile
In a perculiar way i'm always pleased that people still do come to me for support/a whinge...that they don't see my experience of parenting as so totally different to theirs as to be irrelavent.
And blush <<whispers>> secretly i'm also slightly relieved that it not just me struggling at this job grin

tclanger Mon 28-Sep-09 12:31:04

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BriocheDoree Mon 28-Sep-09 13:06:05

Tricky, isn't it...TBH, I know people whose NT kids are much harder work than DD. I mean, really, she's pretty easy going. But NT parents don't have the constant worry, the running around to appointments, the walking out of school in tears because the thoughtless teacher has just said that she "can't do anything with this child because I'm not a doctor" shock (today's little gem from DD's new teacher when I tried yet again to arrange a meeting to chat about DD).
But many days my NT two year old is harder work!! I think many posters are right, you have to be there to know what it's like. I always used to think (pre-kids!) it would be terrible to have a child with autism, and now I have one with PDD so there's not a great deal of difference!

mysonben Mon 28-Sep-09 23:20:33

Thanks ladies for more replies.
Again i can agree with all that is said, everyone has a valid point really. smile

BriocheDoree, that rings so true what you said:
"But NT parents don't have the constant worry, the running around to appointments, the walking out of school in tears because the thoughtless teacher has just said..."

That is something no one can truly understand until it happens to them, so maybe i should be a little more forgiving.
(i'm in a good mood this evening...grin)

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