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why is being a mum of an sn child so lonely??

(9 Posts)
meerkatsandkookaburras Sun 20-Sep-09 17:40:58

noone seems to understand why i cant do things, i dont go out anywhere as never have time and odd few times i do im too shattered, my family dont seem to understand, my partners great but in reality other than him i speak to noone except on facebook, and my neighbour who ive just started going to weight watchers with. its my birthday in a couple of weeks and my family have asked what i want and so has my other half but in reality there is nothing i want as i never have time to myself and as im trying to diet i dont want any clothes. im probably sounding boring but all i have to my life is ds and internet other than my partner obviously so nothing i could have as nothing i want, was thinking of asking for an ipod or soemthing but in reality i know ill never use it but it will stop them moaning that i wont suggest anything!! its just made me realise how sad and lonely my life really is that i have nothing i need or want greatly as never do anything anyway, would like a break but thats ot going to happen and silly as it sounds to me everything else is just material im too knackered to do anything anyway and too down to want to do it anyway even if i had time, if i could wish for anything for my birthday it would be to be pregnant again but as were having big problems in concieving thats a nogoer too. i dont feel depressed as such just fed up of having no life of my own if that makes sense, does everyone feel like this??

sickofsocalledexperts Sun 20-Sep-09 17:54:08

I do identify with no-one understanding - I think they think when I say "no" to things that I am over-reacting, or being over-anxious ("come along, you'll be fine!") I feel like saying, you take DS along to the school fair then for 2 hours, then bring him back when you have had enough (I predict 5 mins should do it). The one thing I have found really helps with the stress levels and hopelessness sometimes though is I've taken up walking in the park with one or two nice friends - really fast walking, not just a stroll. It helps with the weight (or rather it allows me to eat more) but it also definitely helps with the stress levels. And the other thing you could ask for as a present is a full body 1 hour's massage - I find that one of the best, destressing things I can do just for me. The truth is that probably no-one does understand what it's like to be an SEN mum cos they don't walk in our shoes and see it, day in day out, hour in hour out. I reckon the walking might help conception chances too, as fitness is a good thing in that area too. You sound like you are quite low, but they do say that exercise is a better cure for mild depression than any pill, particularly exercise in natural surroundings eg park or countryside. Good luck, you're not alone!

ohmeohmy Sun 20-Sep-09 18:48:32

It is hard but I guess they are trying to be nice to you even if they don't quite get it. perhaps some vouchers for a department type store where you could buy clothes when you feel you want to or something else that would give you pleasure.

making some time for yourself can really save your sanity whether it is someone taking your child out for an hour so you can lie in or have a long bath or just enjoy the peace it is worth it. Think about; if you did have time to yourself and you weren't too tired what would you do? Then try and do it anyway.

Second massages or relfexology or something that appeals to you.

anonandlikeit Sun 20-Sep-09 18:52:59

meerkats, it has taken a long while for me to MAKE time for myself. It is bloody hard sometimes & it took me reaching breaking point & a very lovely counsellor to finally convince me to hand ds2 over to someone else every so often.
I am the same of sickof, a couple of times a week i dish the tea up & then go off for a walk while dh has tea with the boys, by teh time i'm back dh has them bathed & ready for bed.
It does us all good, ds isn't so reliant solely on me & dh gets to struggle be with the ds's

How about asking for vouchers to a day spa or soemthing & when you & your neighbour reach a goal weight you can reward yourself with a day of pampering.

You may feel too knackered to go but what do you need to do at a spa other than lay there & relax.

sarah293 Sun 20-Sep-09 19:35:40

Message withdrawn

5inthebed Sun 20-Sep-09 19:43:33

It's such a cliche, but I could have the your post (except I have 3 DC).

DH doesn't understand about me needing me time, as in his head, I don't work so don't need a break hmm.

Nobody is willing to watch DS2. They will have DS1 or DS3 but never DS2. Makes my blood boil. I'm lucky enough in that he is now in school, and I can start getting out and speak to other parents about normal things and not have to worry about where he is, what he is up to. Before he started school full time, I never went out, sat on the internet all the time and had very little adult conversation.

I would go with getting something for yourself for your birthday, soething that will get you out the house for a few hours.

daisy5678 Sun 20-Sep-09 19:48:35

Sorry you're feeling like this and I do identify with it. It definitely gets easier when they start accessing nursery sessions/ school. I also identify with wanting another baby, but is it a good idea if life is already too hard and too full?

Jo5677 Sun 20-Sep-09 20:57:01

Hi Meerkatsandkookaburas,

You're not alone in feeling like that.

I have 5 children, 2 of which have disabilities,one is severe CP and the other is on the autistic spectrum.
Over the years i have found it so hard to maintain and keep or make friendships due to the nature of my childrens issues.
I spent the first 3 years of my daughters life in and out of hosp and lost a lot of my friends as i was hardly ever available (and when i was i was shattered).
Few people seemed to understand though,including people very close to me. I just felt completely alone in what i was going through.
I also had problems conceiving at one point (looking back it was possibly down to the stress i was under).

Time has moved on though and life has got better. I still don't have a lot of friends,and often still feel like the odd one out. I have worked on my friendships with my old friends though and they are now more understanding and they will contact me now rather than me always having to contact them. Some of them told me that they never realised how isolated i felt.

I hope things get better with time for you too (you probably don't feel like things will atm). In the meantime if you ever want to get intouch you're very welcome 'cos i could really identify with how you're feeling. I remeber feeling quite apathetic about life in general for quite a while.

Take care, Jo x

meerkatsandkookaburras Mon 21-Sep-09 06:41:38

hi everyone, thanks i just guess i had a bad day, my do looses his job in just over a week so i guess ill see him more so might get a bit more company til he finds something else, i should just chill i know and not get so stressed by simple things!! thanks everyone xxxx

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