Yesterday arranged to go to a softplay centre with a mum from a parenting group i go to....she has a 17yr old AS...a 14yr old profound disabled (cannot talk-sit up-feed himself-has pacemaker-and has Autism...but he has a wicked smile!!!!)and a 2yr old likely ASD-no speech full stop yet.
So idea was we would feel cofy together as we are in similar boats...tho ofcourse i cannot tell you how in awe i am of her and the 14yr old- in that it's a life i cannot imagine..hope that makes sense)
She ofcourse says she knows no different.
When we got to the playcentre i was horrified at how people stared and pointed at him. I was outraged when children actually poked him and kicked him when she laid him on the bouncy castle stuff.
So i asked the manager if we could use the 'baby room' which was empty...stair gate etc...and lots of play-gym type stuff for him to look and touch.
so we went in there...away from the rest of the world...and i was gobsmacked when after 30 mins (when we were all in there eating our lunches...costing over £70 for all 8 of us!) a staffmember reminded us that the room was for under 12 month babies. I told her we had permission.... and asked what we were to do- leave the 14 yr old in there + his mum as she has to feed him- whilst i alone took all the others outside to eat our lunches...
then we decided to leave.... so we went to the local park.
then instead of her going home she came back to our house.
and this is where MY GUILTY feelings kick in.
I struggled all day with being 'out of my usual routine' and found after 3 hours of being 'social' that i needed to retreat into my home- ALONE .
I identify with many AS traits.... so see this 'strain' as just like my boys fel too.
It all began to 'rock me' when she arrived 30mins earlier than i had arranged...and she did not leave the house till 9pm...meaning we were 'together' for 10.5 hours.
I felt hemmed in- claustrophobic etc.
Then i felt gulity as i feel that my needs are nothing when you consider her 14yr old.
then there where the kitchen cupboards that here daughetr completely emptied over my floor...and that sounds petty...but i have OCD traits too...and i am obsessive about symetry and order...so i had a panic attack right infront of her over this.
for me- i am so routine bound that to simply make a cup of tea for anyone other than 'the usual' proved stressfull- then at 6 whhen she clearly was not going home- i realised i had to organise tea for all 8 of us....again this does not come naturally to me- i have to plan and prepare all afternoon...and ofcourse this was interuppted.
then when they did go- i just collapsed in tears- my DH was out till 10pm....so i was still alone when i discovered felt tip pen scribbled all over our 3 seater sofa (delivered feb).And 'only' chocolate over all the furniture.
i am writing this aware that you may all hate me for being so petty.... but hopefully some of you may have ASD/OCD kids/partners etc who need total order and symetry and may see why i feel so down now.
I know i have to explain to her that though i enjoyed her companny that this was far too much for me to deal with- and that when we arranged the day we only arrangfed the playcentre visit- so that's what i 'built into my plans' so i kind of 'shelved' my usual routines etc...and was able to cravethe 'solitude' that ui expected to get after say 3pm.... so when all that i 'planned' was 'WRONG' i flipped.
finally- the 2 yr old who drew over the chairs is likely ASD...and i feel treeible for feeling so cross about my sofa etc...feel just as bloody crap as i see all my family who moan about my boys...but i just keep looking at the scribbles all obver that sofa...and feel even more guilty- as i know she did not maliciously do it.
I feel so selfish for feeling so crap- but also feel that yeaterday clearly reinforced why i am, best just having you lot as friends. I really cannot cope with real life friends. So i just feel so isolated now.
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My Dream Day turned Nightmare...and i feel Guilty for feeling as i do.
18 replies
TheRealMrsF · 03/06/2005 23:47
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dinosaur ·
04/06/2005 10:36
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