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Bit long but need advice ASAP

(15 Posts)
bunnyrabbit Fri 11-Sep-09 09:19:27

DS1 (6) DX ASD but very high end and "mild", mostly social commmunication issue, behaviour some Hypersensitivity (sound, touch, taste and smell)

Been at out of school club for a year now but new ladies in this year (they were both at a pre-shool DS1 attended briefly Spring 2008, so they know him from before DX).

This morning DH drops him off and as asual he takes a toy in to show his friends which DH then takes back to the car. Only the 'lady' says no he can't bring it in as it's a gun and they have a rule and it might scare the younger children. Its a plastic Jack Sparrow flint lock pistol FFS. But rules are rules so DH starts to explain to DS1 who is standing at the top of the stairs leaning on the railing, upset but not having a paddy or anything, when she grabs him by the hand and starts to drag him into the room. DS1 starts to get upset (obviously - he is ASD you fuckwit) , freak out, and try to pull away. Whereupon she grabs his other hand and starts to drag him. DH at this point (sounds like he was more restrained than I would have been) tells her to stop as it's not helping and he is trying to deal with it. She pulls away. She later said she was scared he would fall down the stairs. DH explained to DS1 that we have to follow rules, calmed him down and all was well.

Only, to say I am not happy is an understatement. But what to do? Have been very happy with club so far, and we don't really have much alternative. Should I call head offce, speak to the person who runs the clubs (I know her as she ran DS1's club personally last year). Or shouod I have a quiet word with this lady. I already asked her last week if she knew about DS1s DX and she said yes and she knew Alex and it was fine. Only does she? Should I give her a chance and explain to her in detail about hypersensitivity to touch, smell, taste, sound? But she should know this if she has read the report and been briefed. What are the rules re training for staff on SN children?

Very annoyed, upset and not sure how to handle this.

Sorry for the long post.


bunnyrabbit Fri 11-Sep-09 10:49:35

Bump - anyone???

Glitterknickaz Fri 11-Sep-09 10:54:58

I would be livid. I would point out to the club that what she has done is actually assault and in the circumstances completely unwarranted as his father was dealing with it. I wouldn't bother speaking to the person who did this, go to the manager.

bunnyrabbit Fri 11-Sep-09 11:17:14

Thanks Glitter. This was my immediate response, but then I thought maybe that was a bit OTT. Having spoken to DH again he says as soon as she took DS1's hand he started to pull so it may really have been that she was worried. DH was holding DS2 in his arms at the time.

Should I give her the benefit of the doubt before going over the top? I suppose everyone is entitled to make a mistake. I'm sure she wasn't expecting such a violent reaction form DS1 just because she took his hand, and may be this is what made her pull him. I'm not worried that she would hurt DS1, far from it, if he 'goes off' I'm more worried he'll hurt her.

DH says he thinks she had the hump when he told her to back off and I don't want this to affect the way that DS1 is treated there. He loves playing with his friends and generally has a very good time.

Do you think I should speak to the manager and then speak to her as well tonight? Or am I being too lenient. Or should I just speak to her and lay down the law??


debs40 Fri 11-Sep-09 11:23:51


It's always a worry when you want to protect your child but don't want to upset anyone or go OTT.

Can you not approach it in another way? Do they have an email address? Could you do a cheery email to the manager summarizing your son's issues and say that you thought it might help the new staff if you set all this out clearly in a handy little note. You can emphasise that it is best to let dad sort these things out and that they can always discuss problems/ask questions with you and dad.

If you did this, it would constructive, it would not be criticism, but you would make your point. There would be no need to go over what happened, but it would mean you have set things out clearly for staff for future purposes.

bunnyrabbit Fri 11-Sep-09 11:34:36

Hi Debs, I will take that excellent idea of yours and mutate it to my needs!!

The manager already knows about DS1 from last year, but perhaps she hasn't passed on the details of his hypersensitivy etc. I will take the lady aside this evening and have a quiet word and explain. I will then copy the approriate section of his report and take it in for her so there is no doubt they are aware of his needs etc.

DH was very angry when he called me (he does not get angry normally) but agrees that maybe she was trying to help him as she was saying "come on in DS1" and asking him about the toy he brought in the day before (which of course didn't help as it was at home - but luckily he did not get fixated on this!!) but her behaviour was totally inappropriate for an ASD child who can be hypersensitive to touch when he's agitated.

Thanks. As usual it's good to get these things off my chest and hear other people's opinions. I'm relieved that the anger and also my fear of going over protected are responses that you guys have too....


debs40 Fri 11-Sep-09 11:52:22

I'm relieved that the anger and also my fear of going over protected are responses that you guys have too....

Every day BR, every day!! It is a constant battle between being angry at people for not understanding and realising they probably actually don't understand so I should help them to!!

My son's teacher grabbed his arm last year as he was going into class because he was getting stressed at the end of term and had started to leave the class and was saying 'mummy, mummy'. I sort of removed his hand from my son and was really annoyed at the time.

Afterwards, I posted on here, and I could see he was just an instinctive thing to do and that we hadn't sorted out our strategy for how we were going to manage these moments.

We have now!

Good luck and let us know how you go

bunnyrabbit Fri 11-Sep-09 12:06:30

yes you are right. I do give people a quick warning concerning the ASD but because the hypersensitivity is not a constant issue. I don't tend to make a big deal of it. I should have a hands off strategy may be. What's your strategy for dealing with this, if you don't mind me asking?

I think DH was more angry because she comes across as one of these people who has worked in child care for years that knows everything and. It probably didn't occurr to her that DH actually does know how to handle his own son. I doubt she would have done that had I been there.


debs40 Fri 11-Sep-09 12:14:21

I think warning and preparation.

This year, for example, I've had a chat with both my son's teachers about what is likely to make him get upset and how I think it is best to deal with him if he doesn't want to go into the class.

I've told them what will make him worse and grabbing his arm or telling him not to be silly fall into that category!

I know what you mean. There is always someone who thinks they can sort it and it's just a case of not pandering to these things.

But she sounds clueless and she needs to be set straight. So you're right to concentrate your energies on the person who understands, i.e. the manager.

bunnyrabbit Fri 11-Sep-09 12:23:25

You think I should talk to the manager too? I was going to have a talk with the lady at the club only. Do you think I should mention it to the manager as well? She manages all the YMCA out of school clubs.

debs40 Fri 11-Sep-09 12:36:41

I think you should. Sorry if I've been confusing things!

I think you don't have to be confrontational but you do need to ensure that this woman understands how to deal with any issues which arise.

You don't even have to mention what happened last night. You could just say that you wanted to do a little summary of any issues to watch for and ensure this was passed on. You could pass this on yourself.

But if this woman is a bit of 'I know better' this information is better reinforced from a third party particularly someone who is her boss.

As I say, you don't have to do it as a complaint but just as information for future reference.

What do you think? It's what makes you feel comfortable really but it may save having to do this at a later date

bunnyrabbit Fri 11-Sep-09 13:06:14

mmm yes I think you might be right. I will ring to speak to the manager and ask what info she has passed on. Then speak to the lady concerned tonight to 'reinforce' how best to handle DS1.

Thanks again for your input smile


debs40 Fri 11-Sep-09 13:12:52

That sounds like a good idea. Just adds that objective third party element so it's not just you and her - iyswim??

Good luck!

BethNoire Sun 13-Sep-09 14:05:31

Hey BR smile

My own feeling si that I would not ever allow my children to attend a club where someone felt it was OK to pull them by an arm rather than say @I dont think thats safe, pleae come away from the stairs'.

When there are ASD issues involved I would state that in triplicate.

However, life's not like that and childcare is like gold dust so I would do as you plan, whilst making it very clear that you'renot happy- I did run this by my sister (Manager of a very well known locally Nursery) and she wasn't at all happy about it either.

bunnyrabbit Mon 14-Sep-09 08:48:30

Thanks again Debs. Trains were late Friday so I called her and will be seeing her for 10 mins tonight hopefully and explain that I have spoken to the manager and there are some new tips we picked up at a seminar in June etc etc and keep it as objective as possible.

Hi Beth, I think the problem is all to do with perception. DH doesn't think DS1 was having a full blown paddy, just sulking so was safe. This lady obviously thought he was about to go into one and I suppose instinct took over. I am giving her the benefit of the doubt. Certainly for DS1 if he really was having a paddy at the top of the stairs, I must admit that I would grab him regardless of how upset it made him, rather than let him launch himself down the stairs. But as I said, DH doesn't think he was and thinks she over reacted.

As you quite rightly say, child care is gold dust and in the end it comes down to how DS1 feels. He loves the out of school club. So as long as I can 'reinforce' with them, how I expect them to treat DS1, then I suppose all will be ok. Thnaks for asking your sister. It's always nice to get a proffesional's perspective.

Oh isn't life fun!!!


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