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Dd2 (ASD) has had her first party invite, to go or not?

(20 Posts)
Marne Tue 08-Sep-09 10:21:46

Took dd to nursery this morning and was given her first party invite, i don't know if i should be happy or sad?

I am pleased that she has been invited, the children at nursery love her to bits but thats mainly because they mother her and enjoy looking at her PECS book.

The mother of the little boy (who's birthday party it is) is one of the loud nosy mums, i have spoken to her a few times and she seems ok but asks a lot of questions. I tend to keep myself to myself at nursery and only one of the mums (my neighbour) knows that dd2 has ASD. I'm worried that she has only invited dd2 so she can be nosy, her child has probably asked questions about dd2 as she can not speak and cary's her PECS book with her.

Also i have the problem of how dd2 will behave at the party, Dd2 holds her ears a lot when in a noisy setting and i get fed up with people asking questions or laughing at my little girl with her hands over her ears. There is going to be a bouncy castle there but dd2 is not very good at climbing and jumping (again people will ask questions).

I don't mind people knowing she has Autism but these are the type of people that are not really interested, just nosy.

I will be seeing the mum when i pick dd2 up at 12.00 so she will be expecting an answer (is dd going or not). What do i do?

I dont want dd2 to miss out but i'm not sure if i can handle all the staring and questions. sad.

sodit Tue 08-Sep-09 10:31:20

do you think dd2 will enjoy it? I think that would be my main consideration. If you think she might could you say to the mum you will go but you have to leave early to go to .... if dd2 is enjoying it then stay longer saying you rung so and so and that you are running late and if dd2 is not then you have an excuse to leave.

Marne Tue 08-Sep-09 10:39:29

I think dd2 will hold her ears and wonder aimlessly for half an hour and then she would settle and enjoy it (it depends how noisy it is). I think i will have to use that excuse sodit grin.

I think i am more worried about me than her (sounds selfish), i just hate people staring at dd,it upsets me, i would like her to be able to run off and play but i know she wont, she will just wonder around and get dragged around by the little girls who mother her.

Barmymummy Tue 08-Sep-09 11:11:06

I agree, only go if you think DD will enjoy/benefit from it. I know a mum exactly like you describe. She is so nosey that she is a dinnerlady to find out everything. She knows my DS (not at school yet) but doesn't know he has some issues yet. Am dreading her finding out because it will be round the playground like wild fire. Confidentiality agreement my arse.

Think the excuse is a good route to take, thats what I would do. smile

BriocheDoree Tue 08-Sep-09 12:02:25

Hmm, I've had this a few times and every time it's awkward, as I'm usually the ONLY parent who stays with her child. It's getting to the stage where I'm having to give people a rough idea of what's different about DD, as at 5 it's more noticeable, and I have to come up with a reason why I don't want her to come to parties on her own.
However, the big difference is that she LOVES parties. She's not at all phased by loud noise or overstimulated children (she's generally sensory seeking rather than avoidant).
I would go with your gut instinct on whether you think she can handle it. If she's not going to be too bothered, it's probably not worth it. If she (and ultimately YOU) can cope with her going and you think she will enjoy it then take her along. You don't have to go into full disclosure about her problems - it must be obvious she has some SN as she doesn't speak. I just tend to be vague and say that DD doesn't speak well and most people usually accept that (most people don't know anything about PDD/autism anyway!)

frazzledazzle Tue 08-Sep-09 12:35:48

I've faced this quandry with ds1 (probable as).He got invited to a party at the beginning of last year when he was almost 5 and I wasn't yet aware of his problems.He enjoyed the party but he was only interested in the balloons on the walls and I spent all my time asking him to stop pestering people for balloons.

7 months later he got another invite.The week of the party co-incided with him losing a tooth and so it was a difficult time for him so I didn't take him and then felt terribly guilty for making him miss out.

I don't know what I'd do if he received another invite tbh.He likes the idea of parties but doesn't know what to do when he gets there and doesn't like crowds.

Sorry the above isn't very helpful I just wanted to let you know that I know how you feel esp. regarding the staring and questions

meltedmarsbars Tue 08-Sep-09 13:06:28

Please go - its an opportunity to mix socially, for you and your dd2 -and its natural for other parents to be interested/nosey!! I'm nosey about other peoples' kids, and they're sure as hellfire nosey about my kid in the wheelchair! grin Once they get past that then you can make friends with them. Most people are lovely, just need a lead from you on how to approach the "difference" between your kids.

To be brutally honest, sometimes we go just to make a point that my dd2 can join in too, even though she doesn't speak, eat, walk,....

You can always leave early if it gets too much, but if you turn invites down you don't always get another.

Hope you have fun!

jabberwocky Tue 08-Sep-09 13:18:19

I agree with meltedmarsbars. It has been trying taking ds1 to birthdays parties but we have always gone. He now really enjoys them and looks forward to going. The noise doesn't bother him nearly as much now.

It's a great opportunity to educate other people on Autism even though it can be annoying and tiring to answer questions. You could have a few pat answers ready beforehand and that might take some of the stress off of you. They need to understand that she is not covering her ears to be funny but b/c she is getting overstimulated.

Marne Tue 08-Sep-09 13:55:51

Thank you all, its great to hear your experiences.

I think i will take her, i am willing to answer questions but often when i tell people she has autism they change the subject or walk away (maybe because they don't know what to say?). I could spend hours telling people about Autism if they were willing to listen.

Hopefully my neighbour will be going so i will have someone to talk to.

Brioche- your dd sound just like dd1, she has Aspergers but loves parties, she has one to go to in a few weeks and can't wait.

claw3 Tue 08-Sep-09 14:41:41

I had exactly the same concerns about my ds5 when he was invited to his first ever party.

He was very nervous to start off with and sat next to me for the first half an hour. They had a magician, i sat on the floor with him and he eventually let me move further away from him. It was lovely to see him sitting with the others laughing.

Food time was a bit of a problem, he didnt eat or drink a thing, but was happy to sit there while the others ate, until another boy thought it would be funny to wave food in front of his face to make him scream and i had to intervene.

Some of the boys were a bit rough with him when playing, but he handle it really well.

He didnt stop talking about it for days after.

I would go if i were you, if it becomes unbearable you can always make your excuses and leave.

grumpyoldeeyore Wed 09-Sep-09 09:24:41

If you get any difficult questions and your DD is there just say we don't like to discuss it in front of DD as although she can't speak well she understands everything you say! (doesn't matter if she does or not its a good excuse not to go into detail).

Militanttendancy Wed 09-Sep-09 12:11:53

DD is nearly 7, has ASD and a whole load of other problems.

When she gets invited to parties, she goes, I stay with her. I just smile serenely and say "you won't mind if I stat, will you?" Most parents are grateful if you help with the party food.

If it is all too much for DD, I just make our excuses and take her home.

I've just made the excuse that she is "under the weather" and taken her home...

In all the fuss and noise, nobody really takes much notice.

But I make a point of going, just to try to normalise her life, if that makes sense.

Have had some truly awful experiences, when DD has sat in a corner, totally refusing to participate...

But good ones too, when the party entertainer brought lots of animals. DD relates well to animals.

I don't discuss DD's condition, most Mums at the school gates just want to talk and gossip....

sickofsocalledexperts Wed 09-Sep-09 17:55:00

I always take DS to parties and am very pleased that he gets in the invites. Yes, I stay with him, but I am absolutely open that he is autistic and that we might not last the whole 2 hours but I always say he loves coming so that the invites keep coming. The way I see it, the more people know what the word autism means, the easier and more accepting society might become of our kids. I am also very pleased to tell everyone roughly what his difficulties are, in fact I probably go on at too much length! The way I see it, it is something he was born with and there is nothing to keep hidden - it should be as natural to discuss as the fact that he was born with brown eyes. But I think I might have lucked out and found a reasonably open-minded group of mums - I know that in some areas of the country, there is not the same level of acceptance (or, less politely put, there is more ignorance).

Marne Wed 09-Sep-09 19:10:20

We are going grin, i explained to the mum that dd is sensitive to sound but we will see how she gets on. Fingers crossed all will be ok.

UniS Wed 09-Sep-09 20:06:39

she may not be the only one wondering about with hands over ears. my ( we think) NT 3.5 yr old does this at noisy parties too, and he was scared of bouncy castles till very recently so might well refuse to go in a sports hall if there was a BC in there. We have had a number of parties where we lurked near the door till the food bit , he likes the food bit and music and BCs are normally off then.

isthisreal Thu 10-Sep-09 13:35:32

I tell everyone too, but I think they get bored grin!

I always used to go to parties with dc, but now dc is 7 (and as I have probably already bored the parent with details of problems) I tend only to stay if it is at another venue, rather than at the child's home. Generally if there are problems at the party child's home, then my child can go and sit in another room with a book or telly etc and calm down. Seems to work and dc loves parties, except when the balloons pop....

mysonben Thu 10-Sep-09 13:46:52

How did it go? Did your DD had a nice time?

Marne Thu 10-Sep-09 16:42:30

mysonben- the party is on Sunday, hopefully all will be ok, i don't think many children are going so hopefully it wont be too noisy for dd2.

meltedmarsbars Mon 14-Sep-09 12:10:19

So how was it? Did you both have a good time? Will you go next time?

troutpout Mon 14-Sep-09 12:15:23

yes did it go? smile

i hope she had a lovely time.

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