not sure if im doing the right thing by my son for school tomorow :0(

[brandy77]

Hi there

My nearly 5 year old has medical problems (medicated) and behavioural problems. Not yet diagnosed. CAMHS were useless, so his paed in London who has witnessed the behaviour has now referred my son to his clinical pyschologist for a full assessment in London (could be a bit of a wait though).

My sons behaviour is extreme, very rigid thinking, talks at you and not with you, terrible anxiety (is now on melatonin for sleep), i could go on Anyway, many things have been said, from attachment disorder, ADHD, aspergers, ASD etc etc! He does drive me mad too be honest and at the end of the day i thank god for the melatonin or i would be more exhausted than i am.

It was his first day today at a very small school with a very supportive class teacher and very lovely TA who know my son has problems and they are very lovely about it. He was the only one not in uniform today as he refused to wear it and put on his army shorts and said it was "army day today". He did wear his long grey socks and school shoes so at least he wore part of the uniform . His behaviour was as i expected, extremely anxious, clinging to me, very moody and "NO NO NO NO" was said a lot when he was asked something by the teacher. She is lovely and wanted me to stay the morning, so i did. She at one point said she thought i would be at the school a long time when my son went a bit nutty. BUT after we had a chat and I said i would go along with whatever she thought was best, as they are lovely caring ladies, she said about leaving him tomorow morning if i was ok with that.

Now im fine with that if they feel they can cope with a screaming, aggressive child (which they said they can) but i know from nursery school experience that i doubt il be able to get him into the car on wednesday morning as he knows i will be leaving him. At playschool we did the egg timer for leaving him, but it took 2months and then only last 4 weeks before he refused to go.

Any suggestions, should i just bite the bullet, sneak out and leave them with the aftermath,hes a runner so will probably try and escape or hide under a table OR say bye and have him peeled off me then il be left hearing the screaming as i leave him and on wednesday morning do i just force him into the car and out at the other end? i really dont know what to do for the best.

Sorry ended up long winded, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. If i dont reply immediately its cause i gota do dinner/bedtime.xxx

[thecloudhopper]

As at TA i belive that you should never sneak out as then the child is more distrssed. I would say mummy is going now and if he wont let go then you need to hand him over. I know this is hard . I also think that being consisitnat is also key, perhaps a time table at home for him to see for the 1st part of the morning, this should be as simple as now and next and can have a range of pictures at the bottom and you could go through the routine each day that you put your shoes on now and next is car for school. Does taht make sence?

Usualy children are fine once the parent leaves, with my 1-1 who has attachment disorder he often has a melt down as mum leaves but is much better after 10 m or so.
HE is also a runner and has learnt to sit on a quiet chair to calm.

[brandy77]

thanks cloud hopper, im a TA also but with teenagers, im off unpaid for 6months though because of the problems with my son. I have got little pictures that i started putting in order for what was happening during the day. I have got a photo of the school so i could do that in the morning and include the photo in the picture story and perhaps the next pic of me and then a pic of home?

Youre right it is best to say goodbye, so i will do that and just be strong, turn and run for it! I know if hes too disruptive that they will ring, its the aggression worries me too be honest, he wont let anyone console him. A little boy got upset today and the teacher picked him up to cuddle him and the boy was fine, i said to the teacher i almost felt jealous because no way would my son let anyone pick him up let alone cuddle him

Great to hear the lad you support has learnt to sit on a quite chair to calm him down. I think its just so hard for the new ones anyway, let alone ones that find change makes them extremely anxious and scared.

Il come on tomorow and let you know what happens. Thanks a lot xxx

[Barmymummy]

Oh yes please do Brandy. Though my DS isn't as extreme as this, my DS is definately like this and I can identify with what you are saying. No way will he let anyone pick him up or cuddle him, he would shout GO AWAY and go off with his arms crossed whilst sobbing his eyes out. Dreading him starting school

[brandy77]

Update! My son woke at 6am this morning and cried immediately about going to school, refused to put the uniform on so i phoned the school and said i would come a bit late when the crowds had gone and manhandled him into the uniform. Took him in and he ran away from the teacher, the TA did the right thing and ignored him and didnt make a fuss. He went off and played with a building set so i left my handbag there and told him to look after it while i went to the loo, told him i cant go anywhere without my bag I actually sat in the staff room for an hour, with the TA coming in to tell me had been asking for me but no tears or screaming. She sneaked out my phone and car keys and ive come home, gota be back there at 12!

Its agreed that for the time being i will go in late when the crowds are gone, i will know how it went in his eyes when i collect him, if he lays into me like yesterday when we left then i know hes punishing me for going....so all in all not too bad

[Barmymummy]

Have been thinkin of you this morning funnily enough, your post really struck a familiar chord with me.

Had to chuckle about the handbag - I seriously can't go anywhere without mine!!!

Sounds like his teachers have got it in hand don't they? Come back and tell us how he is when he gets home. Well done you for handling this so well [pat on back]..

[brandy77]

thanks barmymummy, so nice to have a peaceful hour with no demanding child around me were off out to the local stream when i get him so il let you know later.xxx

[thecloudhopper]

That sounds like a good start. Yes he sounds fine at least you are sensible about it I think taht is key, my 1-1 often misses school as he does not want to come he is only 5 and I feel it is rediculus as when he is there he is happy. Whatever happens keep it up and keep going. It will get better given the chance

[brandy77]

hi cloudhopper, yep im pleased, im so fortunate to have got him in a tiny school. when i collected him he looked happy and had told the teacher he was going to school every day now! he didnt lay into me on the way back to the car so that is a very good sign. He has told me since that he wont stay there without me but im gona put my foot down and just drop him off tomorow and go, if theres problems getting him ready and outa the door il just get there 15mins late.

I must arrange to a face to face about his medication before he goes full time as they will have to give him that too.

Im sure there will be problems along the way, like after holidays and if something changes drastically but the teacher is very supportive so thats half of the battle done

[thecloudhopper]

Im glad things are moving forward with him, after holidays and christmas time seem to be flash points with my 1-1.