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Friend said this...What do you think?

(16 Posts)
anniebear Wed 01-Jun-05 12:16:38

My friend came round the other day and brought her child to play.

As we were chatting she asking me if I would ever put Ellie in a home.

To be honest at the time, I didn't really think much of it, Just didn't really know how to answer. Ellie is only 3!! Who knows whats ahead?

It was only afterwards when I mentioned it to another friend and she thought it was a terrible thing to ask.

Also my Mum thought it was awful.

But she is a good friend and didn't mean anything by it.

But when I thought later, I would NEVER asked anyone that.

So I am now starting to worry that she thought Ellie was doing so badly that we would consider putting her in a home

Ellie can walk, run, stringing words together, knows who everyone is, aware of things etc and is only 3 , (4 in Aug)

How would you react if a friend asked you that?

phucknuckle Wed 01-Jun-05 12:19:33

Probably would tell her to mind her own business, but I can see why she asked, in a way. It was probably nothing to do with Ellie and more to do with finding out what makes you tick. I do this with my friends all the time, ask them seemingly silly questions, and we have some right good discussions about it all!

Not a nice question to ask though.

motherinferior Wed 01-Jun-05 12:27:04

I think it was a horrible thing to ask, and very insensitive, but probably not deliberately malicious; and that it's not a comment on Ellie herself, I'm sure it isn't.

handlemecarefully Wed 01-Jun-05 12:28:41

it was a tactless, upsetting and inappropriate question.


But don't let if mar your friendship - it may have been just a one off foot-in-mouth comment

anniebear Wed 01-Jun-05 12:32:23

No, I know she wasn't being horrible, just maybe a thought she should have kept to herself.

It wouldn't ruin the friendship in anyway. I just wondered what others thought

Thomcat Wed 01-Jun-05 12:34:07

If my friend asked me that I'd be shocked and realise they didn't know me, or my DD at all.

lou33 Wed 01-Jun-05 12:58:24

i would ask them outright why they thought i would even consider it.

eidsvold Wed 01-Jun-05 13:45:28

i had a similar occasion and like Lou - I pushed it and asked the person why they thought/asked that.

This friend - supposedly a very good friend was shocked when I made a comment about child no2 just after dd1 had had her open heart surgeries. This friend was shocked that dh and I would consider having any more children. I asked her why did she think dh and I should not have anymore children..... she said because... I finally got her to admit that it would be terrrible if we had another child like dd1 - heart defect and down syndrome. I thought it was a strange thing to say - but since becoming pregnant and having dd2 - there were obviously a lot of people who also felt that way!!

Btw we are still friends - sort of - distance has made our friendship different. I did find it a strange thing to say though.

heartinthecountry Wed 01-Jun-05 15:32:54

Hmm, think it would depend on the context and how good the friend was. I could imagine, for example, that if I was having a heart to heart with a very good friend about dd and her future and what it had in store and they asked this, I don't think it would be inappropriate.

If however it seemed more like she was just musing about our situation and asked the question a bit out of the blue - I think I would feel a bit shocked.

Would really really depend on the friend though. Actually, can't imagine any of my good friends would ever consider that we would put dd in a home, so difficult to say.

anniebear Wed 01-Jun-05 16:18:19

It didnt seem inappropriate at the time

although later I thought "what an odd question"!!!

geekgrrl Wed 01-Jun-05 16:35:23

sounds like a classic case of foot in mouth disease.
you do get these crass comments from normally nice people sometimes, don't you... And again it shows that it's often easier to spend time with other people in the same situation....

mumeeee Wed 01-Jun-05 18:29:41

I think that wss a tactless thing to say/

milge Wed 01-Jun-05 18:32:14

I'd tell her that you have been mulling over her question, and wondered why she asked it - you can then get to the root of it in a non confrontational way.

Pages Thu 02-Jun-05 21:29:44

I doubt if it is anything to do with her having insight into "how badly" Ellie is doing, quite the reverse - she sounds like she just lacks any kind of experience of SN.

Ellie sounds like she is doing brilliantly - my DS isn't walking or talking at 2.8 and noone has asked me such a question.

Fio2 Fri 03-Jun-05 08:04:41

maybe she didnt mean it annie, if she is normal a good nice person? sometimes 'other' people really dont know what to say as they find it all confusing theirselves

very old fashioned view though, 'going in a home'. You should have replied why do you think you ever will? cos lets face it lots of OAPs 'go into homes'

Christie Fri 03-Jun-05 22:33:04

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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