ds's (as) problem at the moment seems to be me and it's it's getting me down... long

[luckylady74]

I was wondering if anyone else can sympathise or advise really.

It's taken me ages to post this as I can't face thinking about it most of the time.

Ds1 is 7 and was dx with as when he was 4.
He's a lovely boy and I'm very proud of him, but I'm beginning to think that our relationship is awful.

Today started with squealing about me coming downstairs because he wants dh to make breakfast.
Then I automatically ate breakfast in another room because I can't cope with the screams if I eat near him in the morning.
Then he flinched in the car when I sat next to him and complained that I laughed too loud.
He was making muttered comments through lunch about how I was eating (he squeals if I start to eat before dh)- he seems to take issue with me having my mouth closed when eating (says a lot about dh's table manners!
There are lots of other things he can't bare -if I sneeze all hell breaks loose.

He isn't like this all the time- he was very excited to show me what he could do at the swimming pool this morning and is a bit better when dh is at work-I think he finds dealing with 2 adults at once hard.
I am stricter than dh so I wonder if that's it - sometimes I think he just really hates me .
I am often busy with his younger siblings and so I wonder if that's why he is so much of a daddy's boy.
Some of it is sensory, but he doesn't do it with other people - it's funny when other people sneeze for example.So selective sensory!Maybe I make him nervous -I don't really know.

It's got to the point that last week on holiday he came and sat next to me on the beach, leaning on me a bit, instead of enjoying the moment I was waving at dh to take a picture just so I had proof that he wants to sit next to me sometimes.

This has been going on for ages and the cp said to challenge it,which I do, but it's so hard as conflict inevitably ensues and I feel like I'm trying to force him to be with me which is humiliating. I can make him do stuff and I can make him shut up about stuff, but I'd rather he just didn't want to say that stuff iyswim? That's not a very constructive attitude of mine though is it?!

We tried sitting him next to me at tea times and by the 3rd night the screaming was so bad I caught his siblings stuffing tissue in their ears!

Feel free to tell me to stop feeling sorry for myself - I know there are far worse problems we could have.

Thanks if you got this far!

[nikos]

Hi,
I do empathise. We have just had a nightmare week away with ds who has ASD and his two siblings. We were staying at someone elses house and he couldn't cope with that. But what I found very hard was that he wouldn't come to me for comfort because he was feeling rotten. He just wants to shut himself off and tells me to go away. IT IS HORRIBLE. We are not superhuman and this stuff hurts. But it doesn't stop us wanting to do everything in our power to try to help them. That's the Catch 22 we are in. But I do agree it is horrible to be pushed away by your own child and don't feel wrong for the depth of upset it causes

[mermalaid]

He does not hate you. He reacts more when you do things (like sneezing) than he does when other people do, because you are more important to him than they are, and he is more atuned to you. Its really hard and you have all my sympathy, and it sounds like your actually doing really well, even if it doesn't feel like it. Try and remember that it isn't you he has the problem with, but rather his own ability to cope with things that are outside his own control.

[luckylady74]

Thank you both - I think I need a little mantra to repeat when he does stuff along the lines of 'it's not me that's the problem...'
Sympathies regarding the holday nikos- we went to the same place we alwys do and he was still high as a kite for quite some time.

[luckylady74]

Thank you mumslife - I feel like I shold be adult about it and not mind the rejection, but it does hurt and makes me feel like a failure.
Mumsnet is the best place for feeling like I'm not alone with things like this.
Rl friends analyse it and say 'is it because you do this or ...' and it's here that someone reaches out and says actually that happens to me and it's not anything you're doing to cause it.
Thanks again

[Mutisa]

I sympathise - rejection is never easy! My son (as) does the same sometimes and is aggressive with it. He's now 12 and will often reject me in favour of my 21-yr old daughter who lives with us. It used to feel really personal, but over the years I've come to realise that it really is all about him, and to appreciate the breaks that his issues give me, and accept (a little) that I'm not often the one he wants to be with. Life with AS is not easy, so try to be kind to yourself -it sounds like you're doing a great job.

[luckylady74]

Thank you - I really thought I might be the only one with this issue! Acceptance is key I know, but as you also say it often comes with aggression too and that is very hard.
It's good to know I'm not alone

[wigglybeezer]

I sympathise luckylady we are having the same issues with DS1 ATM but it is his younger brother he is rejecting, table manners are a focus of his intolerance too, he has to wear ear defenders at meal times! DS1 is very focussed on me at the moment, clingy and jealous, rejecting his Dad, I think he feels that I am better at understanding his feelings and doesn't trust his Dad to help with them.

[luckylady74]

Thanks - I think ds1 would have to wear a blindfold at dinner time too!I think I'd be even more conflicted if he rejected his siblings - that must be very wearing for you.

[improvingslowly]

not sure if this will be helpful...

but friend's son has AS. They found a sensory trained OT and she felt he had some retained primitive reflexes/difficutlies crossing midline. They did various exercises for about 3 months to improve these, and have just started doing therapeutic listening.

Hard to be scientific about what progress has been made, but he just seems happier.

If you have not tried something similar it may be worth a try.

[luckylady74]

Thank you- it is difficult isn't it.

improvingslowly that sounds very interesting, but I don't understand the reference to midline- I have no experience of ot, but have always been willing to give anything reasonable sounding a go-happier would be a lovely result. I think I'll ring any ots I can find in the phone book and see if they offer this sort of thing.

[improvingslowly]

not an expert but problems crossing midline is where you cant scan your eyes from left to right or right to left without moving your head as well.

i think also if you ask them to follow an object moving to one side say, often whole body will follow.

this is all to do with unintegrated reflexes i believe. google 'retained primitive reflexes' and see what you find.

friends son did 15/20 mins of exercises (crawling and other things) every day (was bit of a struggle) and does seem to have helped in some strange way...

hope you have luck finding sensory trained OT.

[luckylady74]

Thanks so much.
I have found an ot near me who is a paediatric specialist with experience of asd and sensory integration work.
I'll ring her in the morning.
I found the nas site page on sensory integration fascinating-much nodding from me on all the indicators for ds1 and hyper!
I also saw the jordanseyes thing in Ayr and remembered I'd considered seeing them as ds1 has immense difficulty recognising faces-it's all hair and clothes with him!
I feel focussed again- thanks very much

[improvingslowly]

great. let me know how it goes. (nb we saw nothing for quite a while so dont expect rapid change!)