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I don't want to go

(4 Posts)
yawningmonster Mon 27-Jul-09 23:46:57

ds has always been a bit of a home body. HIs prefered activity generally involves me paying constant attention to him and doing what he wants. He has become increasingly difficult to get to go anywhere and it is doing my head in. Every step in getting ready is a major tantrum, the outing itself is usually horrific with whining, shouting and general bad behaviour wanting to go home. we have tried getting him involved in where we are going and making sure there are some aspects of the outing that will appeal to him but he just wants to stay home. Have offered to get his minder over for times when we need to somewhere and he refuses but he was absolutely distraut by this idea and frankly he is very hard for someone to take on willingly
(ie not fair on the minder0 and we have at least a week of trauma afteerwards. He is 4.10 and has aspergers.
Have tried social stories, picture cards, bribes, small steps eg trip to the letterbox and back but it is becoming reaaly hard work especiaaly as he wants constant input at home

Seuss Tue 28-Jul-09 08:31:59

Has he always been reluctant to go out? My ds can be very reluctant but then is usually ok when we are out (as long as there is something in it for him!) Do you have help when you go out? I can't think of anything you haven't tried but if it was me I would keep plugging away and getting him to go out. Could you get the minder over to play/watch him in the house while you do some jobs or something - just to make him less dependent on having you around?

yawningmonster Tue 28-Jul-09 20:14:25

hi seuss, he has always preferred to be at home but has only been really oppositional for about 6 months. It is variable as to whether he improves once we are there. No help available when I do go so try to minimise outings as I have 11wk old dd as well. His caregiver has 3 other children (nt) in her care and minds him at her place so I can get bits and pieces done on that day, can be an unholy nightmare to get him there though.

sickofsocalledexperts Tue 28-Jul-09 20:29:42

I don't pretend to have any answers, but my son is autistic and I see it in quite black and white terms: in any battle of wills between adult and child, where the adult needs or wants the child to do something reasonable like go out of the house, the adult's will must win. If the 4 year old learns that his tantrums can govern your behaviour, his tantrums will escalate and eventually they will be running you and your household. When my DS (at 3 and a half)used to tantrum and lie screaming on the pavement refusing to move a step, me and his ABA tutors would simply hold onto one arm (so he wouldn't hurt himself), ignore him completely until he quietened down, no eye contact, no speech, then once he was (eventually, after quite a long time) bored of crying, we would say happily "right let's go now and do xx". It took a while and a lot of screaming, but he eventually learned that his bad behaviour was not going to change the outcome (ie he was still going out, whatever his decibel level). I think you need to do something like this before your DS gets too much bigger - I am v glad I did it early, as my DS is now 6 and almost too big for me to lift him or control him physically. I think you also have to teach him about mummy time, even if you have to sit against his door or lock him in. He can't learn that adults in his life will give him constant attention, it just won't work at school and in the rest of life. It sounds cruel, but just imagine his behaviour in a 19 year old man, then I think you realise that bargaining or bribing him won't work - he has to do what he's told, because that's life. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but I really have been there and I've seen mums who didn't take a firm line early on and who are now despairing. Good luck yawningmonster. To an extent, this is like the terrible two's and the methods aren't that different for NF kids imho.

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