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I need some wise words, can anyone help. its a long mess.

(5 Posts)
DidEinsteinsMum Sun 26-Jul-09 03:39:31

I am struggling with a kid (boy 4 1/2) who is probably boarderline Aspergers (best words of info can get) and tried to do something nice for him but it has backfired and left him distressed. How do I sort this mess out and did i make the wrong decision originally? Some one talk me out of this guilty chaos I have plunged myself into...

Ds idoilises his older cousin and now that they are getting on so much better (ds being older and age gap less of an issue) I decided it might be nice if his cousin came to stay for a weekend. Ds was involved in that decision. He was very pro the visit, very excited and looking forward to it. I thought there might be an issue with the fact that ds is often up til after 10pm whilst cousin's light off time is 9pm so it was fairly flexible as to whether it would be sunday or monday drop off for cousin. Turns out due to stupid moment i had to book car into garage monday morning so it will be sunday. Ds was ok yesterday (fri) with the exception of biting me on the arm because he didnt know how to cope (gently and no fuss made by me). Bedtime was a little awkward but not bad, av to fairly good for ds. Today things didnt quite go to plan as an exhibtion at a museum we were going to see was closed but we did everything we had planned. Cousin a little silly as tired, ds fairly good. Bedtime however was a nightmare. In the end i stuck ds in front of tv to calm down and cousin into bed. Ds spent 30 mins hiting, kicking and generally hurting me until i snaped and smacked him once. He disappeared back down stairs. 5 mins later we talked, he curled up on his fluffy rug (he can often be calmed down with water or sensory stimulation - water hadnt worked prior to this tonight) Hoped blanket would help, tucked him up in duvet and hoped he might settle. An hour later i had him sitting on my lap sobbing that he was soooo tired and he just couldn't sleep. it took 20 mins to calm him, make up bed for him in my room so he didnt have to share room with cousin. He was up for a further 1hour messing about kicking, provoking and being a PIA. Not his fault exactly but exasperating. Finally at 00.30am he went to sleep.

He has enjoying being with his cousin but he has admitted that he has found it very hard having him here. Especially at bedtime. His cousin has been horrified at the behaviour of ds (normal for ds when really stressed) and I am feeling guilty about having put both of them through this (cousin has been teased and hit during the evening) but mostly guilty for having put ds into such a distressed state. I was only trying to do something nice but obviously backfired and it is so hard when you are being left in limbo and not doing anything to help. The medical lot have washed hands, school is nominated to help when we start in sept. But what do i do in the meantime and how do i fix/mend/reduce damage of this mess?

I am worrying far too much probably but I hate not having a strategty to work with. Limbo really puts me in a bad place when there is a problem. Someone give wise words.
pretty please sad

nikos Sun 26-Jul-09 04:26:16

Firstly, when my lot have cousins to stay it is murder trying to get them to sleep. So that happens with NT children as well butpossibly is harder for your ds to cope with.(I've got 3 children,one is ASD).
We're going to stay at cousins next week and I'm very anxious. My sister has created a den for ds with ASD so he has somewhere to go - is this a possibility for your ds? There are some wonderful play teepees around at the minute.
But reallydon't beat yourself up about this. When your ds has recovered from his lack ofsleep he might well feel better about his cousins vsit. It is nearly impossible to get it right all the time with our children with ASD but do think we have to keep pushing their comfort zones, so I think you did the right thing.
I'm off to bed now. Can't sleep tonight myself.

DidEinsteinsMum Sun 26-Jul-09 04:34:21

Was it the fact that they were sharing a bedroom (necessity) that was the biggest problem do you think? His safe space invaded?

nikos Sun 26-Jul-09 08:07:14

When we have the cousins round it is just excitement and winding each other up that stops them sleeping. But it might also be that your ds needs his own space, hence the teepee or tent indoors idea. Might be worth asking him about.
Also your ds is still very young and I think any child that age would get a bit giddy. You have done all the right things (your ds was very excited by the pending visit) and I'm not sure it has been a disaster yet. They both enjoyed large chunks of their time together and as your ds matures a bit he might be able to cope with sleepovers more.
Hope this helps.

DidEinsteinsMum Sun 26-Jul-09 14:15:42

Its not the giddy that is the problem. Its the biting cos doesnt know what to do with emotions, and hitting and kicking and teasing and throwing etc bit that is the problem. Not sure cousin wants to come back as he has been a victim of it a little bit but he has mostly been shocked as to what has happened. I now have a lovely colection of nice new bruises. I am just glad that we had picked ds' favourite and safe trips out. It has made the situation bearable. Ds himself has said it was very stressful having cous here and it was ok during the day and not at night and his ability to cope has got worse as the wkend has gone along. Ds does not want cousin back as it is too stressful.
He doesnt deal with change to routine and new people in his environment. PLus this month has been holiday month which has unsettled him already before this. Was this the icing on the cake in terms of ability to cope? Is it always going to be like this as he was up every hour last night looking for reassurance. I really need to have a coping strategy for stuff like this as the lack of sleep is doing me serious damage and i am fed up with being hurt!

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