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Am struggling with dd at the mo, school have said there may be something wrong, but don't know what to do to look in to it.

(16 Posts)
Pawslikepaddington Fri 24-Jul-09 20:39:55

School called me in last term about dd's behaviour (dd is 5.5) with a view to getting her checked out, but I don't know where to start. She is normal in most respects, but has problems with some areas. It has been labelled bad/soft parenting until now, but I am a fairly disciplined parent, and the behaviour has become more pronounced over time, despite me getting stricter with her to try and stop it.

She has what everyone calls "Jeckyll and Hyde" tendancies-I hate them using that but it is all you can describe it as really-really happy one second, then will fly into a rage, scream at other children, cry, hit and bite me, be almost impossible to restrain. Then you point her attention away from the thing that set her off and she is angelic once more and usually has no recollection of the rage.

She also has great problems recognising that you must not run off, or not run into roads, or try and run off railway platforms or river sides. She has fear-she is very wary of dogs, heights etc, and has an incredibly low pain threshold (the lowest I have EVER seen, including me), but just cannot comprehend traffic or stranger danger.

She has incredibly violent and screaming phobias of doctors, dentists, and strangers, but can come round to some people very quickly, and to others not at all, yet is impossible to reason with, calm down or sometimes even prevent from doing herself or others harm when she is having outburts. She will not have friends back to play any more as she cannot bear them touching her things, but is not neat, tidy or obsessive about any of them.

She seems like a totally normal, happy child most of the time. There are no apparent developmental delays, just this absolutely uncontrollable temper. Is it just bad parenting? I feel like I am letting her down terribly, as she can be so charming, yet it takes a long time for people to warm up to her as she is so badly behaved when they meet her.

lou031205 Fri 24-Jul-09 20:53:07

Poor girl (& poor you). That must be really stressful for her to be so changeable. Do you notice any patterns at all, any triggers?

I would think first port of call would be to your GP to ask for a referral to a developmental paediatrician.

Pawslikepaddington Fri 24-Jul-09 20:58:41

Thanks Lou. I am pretty much entirely convinced that they will just say it is me not parenting her properly, and half the time I am convinced I am making it up, but then we have days like today when the behaviour is constantly on/off, or I see her with others her age and she does seem different. It is normal to worry that the gp will judge you terribly isn't it? Do I need to do a behaviour diary or anything?

lou031205 Fri 24-Jul-09 21:06:38

It might help you. Some children have sensory issues. Often the 'trigger' for a melt-down can be a culmination of different things throughout the day/week, then sommething is just 'the straw that broke the camel's back'.

Yurtgirl Fri 24-Jul-09 21:08:05

Hi Paws go to gp and get a referral as lou says

I rejoiced and jumped up and down when ds got his official peice of paper diagnoses!
I had known for 3 years prior to that, what was the issue - but having it written out on paper was FANTASTIC, proof that although I may not be the best parent in the world his behaviour wasnt my fault

Based on your op I wouldnt say it was just your parenting style - patience is required in waiting for appointments, hang in there

lou031205 Fri 24-Jul-09 21:11:09

I agree with Yurtgirl - DD1 is 3.6 and can be wild. No sense of danger, etc. I think some thought we were lax parents, but actually she has a brain that didn't form correctly in the womb. It is great to know that we haven't broken her!

morningsuncanslay Fri 24-Jul-09 21:12:33

It is normal to worry about what the GP will think but there is no need,you haven't done anything wrong.
It could be a number of things~anxiety,sensory issues,even something like aspergers syndrome~I'm no expert but I think it's better to explore it.
If it is an emotional issue,a child psychologist might be able to help you,or offer behavioural techniques to help minimise her moods etc.

Pawslikepaddington Fri 24-Jul-09 21:19:06

We can do patience-patience has been learnt over the past five years wink. I suppose I am a little over anxious as I saw a friend I haven't seen since pre-dd, and dd was not at her best bless her. We are seeing dad tomorrow, and he always sets dd off and then shouts at her "naughtyness" over and over (we are limited to seeing him twice a year now as I can't bear the backlash!)

Thank you so much lou and yurt-I cannot tell you how much better I feel about this-I am just so used to people telling me that I shouldn't give in to her-I don't, this is just how she IS!

I didn't think about it being sensory-she can (off and on) have problems with textures and noises (one day everything will have to be totally seperate on the plate, another day one food must be under another, i.e. cheese must be under the mashed potato, and another it doesn't matter, and she also likes to wear ear defenders in public places if she can, but won't freak without them, but will complain heartily of the noise). I didn't even think to link any of them together.

Oh thank you both so much-I'll just be so happy if I know how to help her with it all-she gets so upset by it.

lou031205 Fri 24-Jul-09 21:47:09

Write this stuff down - it all helps to create a picture for the paed. He/she may refer you on to an OT, who can do a sensory assessment. You are not a bad mum, it sounds like you have an overwhelmed little girl smile

Yurtgirl Fri 24-Jul-09 21:50:50


TuttiFrutti Fri 24-Jul-09 22:42:05

Paws, this is NOT bad parenting! I have a ds aged 4 who has very similar behaviour to your dd, especially the running off in public places and lack of sense of danger about roads and strangers.

We are currently having him assessed by a child development team at our local hospital, having asked our GP for a referral. I am so glad I did, and I really recommend anyone in this situation to do the same.

We don't have a diagnosis yet, but the medical team have already given me lots of tips on how to manage ds's behaviour and life just seems a bit easier.

I've had lots of unhelpful comments over the years like "He just needs more discipline" so I know how you feel!!!

thederkinsdame Fri 24-Jul-09 23:35:29

Message withdrawn

Pawslikepaddington Sat 25-Jul-09 11:08:50

Thank you all so much-am feeling so much better about this now-for the first time ever there is a little light saying it may not be me! Even tips on dealing with the worst and most embarrassing behaviour would be well and truly worth it-thank you all so much!!

mumslife Sat 25-Jul-09 22:24:52

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Marne Tue 28-Jul-09 11:26:29

Hi, some of your dd's traits are the same as my dd1 (5.5) (the way she reacts to strangers, lack of fear but has some phobias), my dd is normal most of the time but can suddenly change. Dd1 was diagnosed with Aspergers last november, some of her traits have now vanished and sometimes i start to think maybe she hasn't got AS. I tell people that she has mild AS even though her dx was clear Aspergers.

mumslife Tue 28-Jul-09 14:20:12

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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