Feel crap - DS2's friend won't come to our house because of DS1

[donkeyderby]

DS2 (7) has just told me that his school friend doesn't want to come to our house to play because he is scared of DS1. The only time the friend has seen DS1 was when I was dropping DS2 off at his house and DS1 was launching a vicious attack on DS2 in the car, pulling clumps of his hair out, leaving DS2 distraught and in tears.

It is so hard to invite kids to our house when DS1 is being like that. I feel I have let DS2 down. I feel like crying

[HecatesTwopenceworth]

Oh, how sad. Poor ds2 - and poor ds1 as well.

If the friend came round, how would ds1 be? I mean, could you ensure that nothing happened by physically intervening? Or get someone to have ds1 while you took ds2 and friend out for an hour?

[devientenigma]

Just trying to make you feel a bit better when I tell you my dd hasn't had her friends round for tea etc either due to ds challenging behaviour. Hope someone comes along and offers better advice. HTH x

[devientenigma]

Sorry HecatesTwopenceworth,although it doesn't say we must off posted together.

[HecatesTwopenceworth]

that's ok. I really wasn't very helpful, sadly.

[donkeyderby]

It's hard isn't it devientenigma, and it does make me feel better that it's not just us, though sorry for you too! Will just have to organise for this boy to come round when DS1 is out, just to reassure him and make sure he knows that he can visit without being attacked. I think I feel rubbish because I always do just before the holidays. Six weeks without school stretching out before me like a black hole, while norms can do lovely things without even thinking about it. The Independent had an article on places to go with kids - castles, stately homes etc. As if

[devientenigma]

If you lived close I would of come to the statley homes etc with you.LOL.(not mentioning its my 2nd year stuck in the house in hols as I can't control ds outside).
As for 6 weeks off, it's nearly 8 this year!!!
Should also mention that most of dd friends have been attacked, they try to keep out of his way, a few have stopped knocking and a lot are quite wary. DD is really good and can usually step in between when she knows it's going to happen. DD is 12 though (she herself being ADHD/ADD/ODD)
Why not explain to the friend/mother your ds probs may make things easier? HTH x

[nikos]

Do you get any respite? We've just been assessed by a social worker as I felt my other dc were missing out AT TIMES because of ds with asd. We've been awarded up to 10 hours in the summer holidays for ds to go to a childminder and up to 4 hours in term time. It wasn't intrusive and only involved a phone call and an hour home visit. I did it because I didn't want my other children to start to resent ds and the restrictions it places on us at times. He is really quite mild ds but it does have an impact on family life.
Hope that helps

[saintlydamemrsturnip]

Kids don't come here very often. When they do I tend to get a bunch of them together. 3 or 4 round at once works well. DS1 doesn't really go for other kids though (especially not strange ones- he;s too busy beating me up ), He does find them quite interesting and sometimes runs around after them (and they run away screaming ) or I'll hear 'tell your mum to get ds1 off the computer' and I say 'no chance!'.

DS2 (also 7) more often goes to his friend's houses. Their parents are very understanding and often pick him up and drop him back which can help enormously.

If you were near my I would send my 7 year old (and 4 year old!) around. It won;t be anything they hasn't seen before and would take it in their stride! On a more serious note we do have a friend whose ds2 is the same age as my ds2 and has a mad elder sibling as well and that works well. Neither of them pay any attention to the sibling.

The friend does sound a bit wet (but I am very unsympathetic to other children being scared of ds1 I know that).

[donkeyderby]

You've all been so kind! The friend isn't really wet, he just saw the very worst example of DS1's challenging behaviour and has no experience whatsoever of LD's.

I'm on the South coast so please send your kids round or come to a stately home with me if you are near!! I do get a good respite package (as compared with others) so I can have this boy round when ds1 is not here. It just made me sad for ds2 that his friends say things like that to him.

[saintlydamemrsturnip]

I would be cross with the friend though (but I am mean I know). Some of ds2's friends do give ds1 a bit of a look but they've seen him enough now to treat him more as something exotic rather than something scary. I do think coming as a pack helped. Honestly though when I come across those reactions I always think how lucky ds2 and ds3 are to have it as their normality in some ways- they're not easily fazed!

[Goblinchild]

But if you get cross with the friend, he'll just back off and find someone easier to be friends with. He's 7, there are enough challenges and scary stuff around for him to deal with, without actively looking for difficult situations.
A bit of reasonable adjustment for your NT son and his friend will go a long way towards helping. And the fact that he was honest and told your son why meant he was trying to say
'It's not you honestly'

[saintlydamemrsturnip]

I wouldn't say anything to the friend - or ds2 - but this is ds1's house and he's a person not a freak so he would either have to get used to ds1 or only visit when ds1 wasn't here ( when to be honest we often tend to go out). I know plenty of by kids who can cope with ds1 so I would be cross with the friend for being a bit wet that's all - I don't mean I would carry anger around or tell him he shouldn't feelvthat way just that I would tend to encourage ds2 to invite more robust friends round when ds1 was here. If ds2 wanted to go and play at his friend's house - perfect solution. But I don't really see the point in trying to fix the impossible. Ds1 can't alter his behaviour to take account of other's lack of exposure so friends either cope or don't come as much.

Ds2 used to be very scared of dogs. 2 of his friends have dogs so he either had to go to their houses and cope or not go to their houses. I didn't expect the owners to make special adjustments for ds2. He chose to go and slowly stopped being scared if dogs ( in fact is now on at me the whole time to get one). I doubt getting used to ds1 would mske a friend want a learning disabled sibling of their own but exposure can make ld's less scary.

[saintlydamemrsturnip]

Have been pondering this some more. And I really think the answer is invite en masse at least initially. I don't actually have kids over to play when ds1 isn't here during school holidays because the days he isn't here, the other 2 go to holiday club and I work, so they can only come when ds1 is here. A number of mums have mentioned play swaps so I don't think any of ds2's friends have a problem with ds1 now and I'm OK to invite them alone (and have done in the past), but intitially I only did playdays where I had 4 or even 5 kids over. It was absolute chaos. I kept them for lunch, did a mass of pizzas, sausage rolls, sandwiches etc. And tbh they found ds1 hilarious. Sometimes they would come and ask me why he was doing something and I would explain, or they'd ask me why he couldn't talk. And often they'd tell ds2 to sort ds1 out (which may have given ds2 some kudos - who knows). They thought it very funny when he tried to pinch food of their plates. All behaviours that might have been scary alone but as part of a group of 5 or 6 (by the time we'd added in ds3) actually quite funny.

[saintlydamemrsturnip]

That does of course assume your son can cope with lots of NT children. DS1 likes having lots of kids around, he finds them funny, so it works well all round for us. I know other children might find a gaggle of NT kids a bit hard to deal with.