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help, mums of asd kids

(5 Posts)
asdWasteofSpace Mon 20-Jul-09 14:12:14

this kind of should be in the relationships board but I think i need help from the pros.

I have ASD, am 34, am severely depressed after the loss of a baby at 25 weeks. Though have been severely depressed as long as I can remember, mostly because of my relationship with my mother.

I am home at my parents' - DP is staying at his parents 200 miles away, we are in the UK instead of the Netherlands where we normally live. We are here for 3 weeks, and it is total hell after 3 days.

My mother is very very passive aggressive - a master of the loaded look and the nasty comment behind someone's back. I am not sure I have ever heard her be nice about someone unless she is actually talking to them.
I have ASD- I find dishonesty really upsetting. Anyone would find my mother's behaviour weird and unpleasant but it tears me to shreds.

I also get sensory overload really easily, particularly in situations where I have to listen to her chatter on with really bitchy comments about everyone and everything. I hate smalltalk, particularly when it is pointlessly unpleasant.

However I am feeling like I am making her life hell, because I am avoiding her or getting sarky like a teenager when I have to put up with her. It makes my Dad sad, and it makes me feel like a snake in the grass.

Can anyone out there say what would make the mum of a grumpy miserable ASD kid happy?
Mum knows I have a diagnosis of moderate=level ASD but she thinks I am just a badly behaved unpleasant cow who hates her. She thinks most diagnoses of ASD are excuses on the part of silly stupid bad parents.

Yes, I loathe her a lot of the time.

But I also desperately want to make her happy, but in a way that might help her accept me for who I am rather than who she would have liked as a daughter.

any suggestions?

pagwatch Mon 20-Jul-09 14:33:29

I am so sorry that your relationship with your mum is making you so sad.
I admire your desire to make her happy but I am not sure it is the easiest way to solve your issues with her.

In my experience people who are bitchy and talk about people behind their backs all thetime are not very happy inside their own heads.
I think you are seeing yourself as part of the reason for your mums unhappy and negative attitude when it is just as likely thatthat is who she is - that is the personality she has.

I think the best thing you can do is to explain to her that you are feeling sad just now - which is more than understandable - and take time to go and be quiet by yourself when you are finding her too much to cope with. Perhaps you should explain how you feel to your dad as well - not the part about your mum upsetting you but the bit about needing down time or quiet time.

But please please try not to feel responsible for how your mother behaves because I suspect that has nothing to do with you and is just the way she is.

I am so sorry about the loss of your baby and sorry that you are having to deal with this at the same time.

As the mum of a child with ASD, I love him. Sometimes I am happy and sometimes I am not. It very rarely is him that makes me sad and it is often him that makes me happy. You are a nice person and you love her. That should be enough for her.

jasdox Mon 20-Jul-09 14:59:52

I am sorry to hear you are having such a hard time with your mum. I must admit I have the same problem with my dad (a nasty compulsive lair but with AS so trying to understand him, but after a life of cruelty is quite difficult), hence i rarely see him, and so do when feeling strong.

The only thing I can suggest is a trip out - only way to have a good time with dad; a show, theatre, or activity, maybe something you like/interested in, so you can have a positive day and maybe in turn she can. sounds like you could do with a good day.

Sorry do really have any suggestions. is there anything she likes. there are some autistic films out there e.g. black ballon. or Adam is about to come out 7th aug about an AS man

asdWasteofSpace Mon 20-Jul-09 15:01:19

thanks Pagwatch.

asdWasteofSpace Mon 20-Jul-09 15:02:35

and jasdox

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