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worried about a school problem

(11 Posts)
debs40 Fri 10-Jul-09 09:17:26

I posted below - possible AS and retaliation - about a problem my son had with a boy at school who had been teasing him.

The boy was saying DS (who is 6 and without dx but has possible AS) surname incorrectly, deliberately, baiting him to get him wound up. DS, quite wrongly, grabbed his mouth to shut him up and cut his lip. Nothing major but out of order clearly. I think DS has a problem in knowing how to respond to these things and doesn't seem to be able to tell a teacher. His teacher (or one of them as he is in a shared class) agreed.

DS was 'red carded' and will miss some 'golden time' today. This is time when they get to do what they want.

The boy was whooping and cheering when we left the teacher.

Yesterday he asked DS to do it to him again so he could get him another red card. DS didn't but looked at me blankly when I asked whether he had told the teacher. He didn't understand that this was the way to deal with it.

This morning, DS walked past this boy and sort of flinched from him. Then this boy came to me as I was hanging DS's coat up in the cloakroom and moaned that DS had pushed him and he would be in trouble. I took DS to one side and explained not to do this but he was not listening.

What do I do? We have parents' eve on Monday. Do I leave it until then? Do I raise it in case something happens?

I emailed his teacher yesterday (this was the other teacher not the one who dealt with the initial incident)but he didn't get back to me. it's impossible to talk first thing in the morning so it seemed the easiest way to get in touch.This teacher is actually the deputy head and the SENCO (although he's never told me this) and always says things like 'lots of children don't like tags' 'perhaps he's just tired' etc etc

DS is so naive. He seems to fall into trouble really easily. We have managed to avoid it thus far since moving schools in October but I'm waorried this boy has now got a taste for winding DS up.

Suggestions please?

debs40 Fri 10-Jul-09 10:36:07

Any thoughts anyone?

mysonben Fri 10-Jul-09 10:48:42

hmm not quite sure of what you could do at this point apart from having a chat about your concerns with the school , i would keep an eye on things regarding this boy becuase if he does it again or keeps winding you ds then it's bullying really , the school will have to take some action .
Sorry not much help ( my ds is still at nursery where problems of this sort are still unlikely so no experience)

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 10-Jul-09 11:22:29

Debs40

Address this today; don't leave it over the weekend otherwise you'll stew on it as well.

Your son is being bullied by this boy; this horrid lad knows exactly what he is doing to your son (as I feared yesterday). Not surprised to read at all that your son flinched . It may be that your son did not push this boy this morning at all but is telling tales. And even if your son did it is likely that he provoked your son beforehand.

Talk to the class teacher at end of today and arrange a meeting with both this person and the Headteacher asap (who seems to have made an excuse for the bully already).
Is the teacher not aware that this horrid lad was whooping and cheering on leaving the teacher?.

Can they not give your son a flash card (a red exclamation mark type thing) to hold up in the event that this happens to him in class?. I would also be looking at the overall class supervision; if this as good as can be?. Is there a TA in there who can sit near your son during lessons?.

Debs - know I keep on about this (and for which I do apologisegrin) but do apply for a Statement for your son asap. It won't solve everything in terms of problems like this but it will help your son educationally. It can get a lot harder the further they proceed up the school system.

Do not go in there all guns blazing; keep as calm as possible and stick to the facts as they appear. Make yourself amenable to solutions; tell them you want to work with them. Ask also how they are planning to help your son socially because this sort of problem will keep cropping up particularly if this horrid lad or others of his ilk are around.

coppertop Fri 10-Jul-09 11:30:17

My ds has had similar issues in the past with particular children trying to wind him up.

The things that seem to work best are:

1) The teacher being aware that this can and does happen. In our case it was the teacher who told me that this was happening.

2) The teacher speaking to the other children to warn them about their own behaviour.

3) Ds being taught what to do if anone tries to wind him up or if he is generally starting to feel upset:

- Ds has been told that he has permission to leave his seat and physically move away. The idea is that not only does he get to escape from the child but if the teacher sees him walking she will be alerted to the problem (children are usually supposed to stay in their seats, so it would be obvious if ds were to suddenly get up).

- Ds has also been taught to switch off from the other child and ignore them.

4) Ds is praised by the teacher for using these strategies. The other child is told off.

Another option is using a social story to explain these things.

coppertop Fri 10-Jul-09 11:30:17

My ds has had similar issues in the past with particular children trying to wind him up.

The things that seem to work best are:

1) The teacher being aware that this can and does happen. In our case it was the teacher who told me that this was happening.

2) The teacher speaking to the other children to warn them about their own behaviour.

3) Ds being taught what to do if anone tries to wind him up or if he is generally starting to feel upset:

- Ds has been told that he has permission to leave his seat and physically move away. The idea is that not only does he get to escape from the child but if the teacher sees him walking she will be alerted to the problem (children are usually supposed to stay in their seats, so it would be obvious if ds were to suddenly get up).

- Ds has also been taught to switch off from the other child and ignore them.

4) Ds is praised by the teacher for using these strategies. The other child is told off.

Another option is using a social story to explain these things.

lingle Fri 10-Jul-09 11:31:02

"saying DS surname incorrectly" sounds a bit too neutral, as if it was a mistake.

Can you say the lad is "mocking DS2's name, pronouncing it as XXX" or "taunting DS2 by calling him YYYYYYY"......when you go to see them I mean..... Can you ask DS2 to do an impression of what the boy does?

good luck.

coppertop Fri 10-Jul-09 11:35:59

Not sure what happened there!

Forgot to say that the ignoring strategy was chosen because ds often 'switches off' anyway. This probably wouldn't work for his brother (who has AS) as he would find ignoring people more difficult.

debs40 Fri 10-Jul-09 11:57:49

Thanks Atila. I have emailed Ds's teacher and also sent a copy of the report from the consultant which arrived today. It is only a letter but confirms the referrals and the concerns we have about social skills etc.

I will see if I can talk to him this afternoon but they have they have their celebration assembly last thing.

His other teacher is back on Monday and I will forward her the emails sent and have a chat. She is much more switched on!

I will ask about statements on Monday too and do some digging on the net this weekend

Thanks so much for your response

debs40 Fri 10-Jul-09 12:17:50

Thanks everyone. Coppertop some great suggestions there. I will discuss them at parents evening.

I am pretty sure they have got the measure of the other boy and will have seen the way he responded about getting DS into trouble but I will discuss it with them too and see how we can draw up a plan to help.

debs40 Fri 10-Jul-09 16:47:02

Well, I went to pick DS up today and attended the celebration assembly they have every Friday. There was DS at the front as he done something in class and was presenting something about his work with another boy.

Brilliant!

It was really instructive to watch him though. He is really floppy and has trouble sitting up straight for long. So he was leaning against the other boy, This soon turns to a bit of push and shove. All seemingly good humoured. But I can see DS is copying the other boy action for action.

I had to shake my head at them both for them to stop!

Anyway, I collect DS and mention the emails to the teacher who thanks me for sending them. He hadn't replied to them. He said the information helped.

Then I get outside and DS tells me he got another red card today as he was grabbed by someone, couldn't shake them off and hit them so everyone told the teacher. Both boys got red cards to be fair but I had that horrible sinking feeling.

I nipped back in to speak to the teacher. DS won't wait with anyone so it is always difficult to speak privately (hence the emails). I asked him to wait by our bags at the door for a minute and he starts screaming and hitting the glass door. So I bring him in and ask him to wait in the corridor. He won't.

So I try and talk with him in tow.

Teacher (who is deputy head and SENCO) says that they've all been a bit stir crazy this week and we shouldn't concentrate on the negatives and that DS has basically been brilliant all year. I tried to explain that my concern was that he wasn't able to respond like the others without retaliating but it was so hard with him sitting on my knee!

I made the card suggestion and he said they do that with other children and would start it with DS next term.

He also said they were aware that the other boy was winding him up.

He kept on doing the 'end of term, blah, blah, they're all like that bit'.

I think he probably has a point and I'm probably stressing too much as we have been through this before.

I just wanted to protect DS.

Now they probably think I'm horrible, dragging the teacher back and talking about things in front of DS!

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