Help, I think he'll be expelled

[manyhands]

Well, this won't give you all the best impression of me but as this is an anomyous forumn probably a great place to get advise. I've posted this in primary ed but as I feel DS may have some special needs and you seemed like a friendly lot, I'll try here too. My five year old has had a good term but in the last two weeks as a results of stress at home (which I should have shared with the school but didn't, they are your traditional unapproactable type) has been violent to other children. On one occasion, he hit another child with a sun hat then threw it at the teacher when she asked for it. Another time he was sent in from playtime and hit a dinner lady and yesterday he pinced another child because he was told to by a very manipulative child, he drew blood. The school have said the next step is immeadiate explusion. But I want him to get help as I want him to do well at school and learn to control his temper. So far, I've been backing the school and giving consequences at home but feel that explusion is the worse option for him. This is his second school as he had similar problems in the first and they shut him in a cloakroom for hours as a response which we felt was inappropriate. He has improved a ;lot in this school and it is only in the last two weeks that he has displayed this behaviour. Can anyone give me any advice, please be gentle!

[debs40]

Have you spoken to the SENCO at school? Are you worried that this behaviour is more than 'bad' behaviour? Do you think it is linked to a SN? What does the school think?

What is the school's plan for dealing with and managing this behaviour?

Can you trace triggers to this behaviour?

If you are worried that this is not just 'bad' behaviour (and to be honest it sounds like more than that), then speak to the school and to your GP about getting him assessed.

Does he have any other problems e.g. with reading/writing/noise/smells/clothes/finding friends etc? Make a list and ask to see someone to discuss your fears.

Good luck. I know it is very worrying when they get in to trouble (and an exclusion would presumbably be a temporary measure - although I wonder what it would achieve in the circumstances). I have been there myself and just ended up telling DS off for a year until he moved schools (and everything got so much better.

[madwomanintheattic]

do they have a behaviour plan in place?

like debs said, have they identified triggers?

if this is an ongoing issue, what additional support/ supervision have they put in place?

have they asked for an ed psych evaluation?

the fact that the school is 'unapproachable' is not true. all schools have to be approachable, and if your son is experiencing issues of any kind, whether related to sn or not, you need to be talking to the school and building a relationship with them.

without this relationship the problem can not be sorted. (apols if that sounds harsh - not meant to be, but building a relationship with the school is fundamental to sorting this out). telephone the secretary and ask for a meeting to be set up with the head, the senco and the class teacher, and ask them for their help. it's so difficult at first, but you do need to do it. otherwise you risk being seen as an uninterested mother who won't liaise with the school - which you obviously are not.

you need to ask them honestly whether he needs assessing (i'm not sure which sn you suspect) and what you can both be doing to help him.

please give them a call. you need to set up an open and honest relationship with the school. don't worry about being judged - they will want you on side to help them help him.

[manyhands]

Wow, so much helpful advice, thank you.I've now got the education dept. involved and their parent liason officer will speak to us soon. My gp is also involved and the school nurse will go in to visit. The school's attitude seems to have changed because, I think of the local authourities intervention. Things are looking a lot positive and hopefully with the right assessment/ support he should cope better with school.

[cjones2979]

manyhands, why would you think this wouldn't give us all the best impression of you ? What do you feel you have done that is so wrong ?

As far as I can see, you are trying to do the best for your little boy in trying to work out what is causing his behaviour.

Does your DS have any noticeable differences to his peers ? ie, learning difficulties, sensory or social issues, language delay etc. If so, I would personally advise you to take him to your GP and ask to be referred to a Paediatrician or CAMHs.

This was my first step. My DS was 2 when we noticed that his language was behind that of his peers. I took him to the GP who referred him to a Paed, who then referred him for a 2nd opinion. Anyway, to cut a long story short, by the time he was 3.2 we had a dx of ASD.

He is now 5.8 and attends a mainstream school. He has a statement and has 25 hours of 1:1 support at school.

However, we are now looking at the possibility of moving him to a SN school as his behaviour at school has become a worry. He is swearing, screaming, wetting himself, standing on tables, hitting and headbutting his teachers and TA's. He has been informally excluded for 2 afternoons in the last few weeks, and formally excluded for a day and a half last week. It is clearly not the right place for him as the staff do not seem to have the experience to deal with him. His behaviour at home has not changed so we know it is a reaction to something that is going on at school.

I too find his school a bit difficult to approach as sometimes feel that they somehow feel that his behaviour is my fault. I actually think that this is not the case, but as a parent of a child with "behavioural issues" you can't help but feel like that.

If I were you, I would most definitely phone the school and request a meeting like madwomanintheattic suggested, plus ask your GP for a referral to get your DS assessed, and take it from there.

In the meantime, please don't feel like you have done anything wrong. It may just be a reaction to the stress you say he has experienced at home recently, but again this is something that you can get help with.

Good luck.

[manyhands]

OOh you are a kind bunch on this board. Academically and developmentally well up with his peers but socially quite a bit behind. I've asked for a referral and with the involvement of the Local Authourity, the school has become much more approachable and working towards helping him rather than excluding him. He's had a couple of really good days at school. I mt with theacher who is also the SENCO yesterday and noticed a definate change in her attitude. I've just got my first teaching job (this afternoon, hoprray) and this experience has certainly taught me to be less judgemental! I feel with the involvement of the LA and school nurse we should get an assessment soon.
Thanks