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I'm not sending DS to sports day-feeling sad

(16 Posts)
frazzledazzle Mon 06-Jul-09 10:42:48

DS (5) is waiting to be dx with AS.On Weds it is his sports day and I have been worried about letting him participate because he really hates to lose and I know he will have a big meltdown/tantrum/growling episode when he loses and disrupt the whole thing.

This morning I told his teacher that I was thinking of keeping DS off for sports day and she said she thinks this is the right decision.

I'm gutted though I think part of me wanted her to say don't worry we'll manage him and I think I was surprised she was so quick to agree with my decision.I know the best thing for him is to keep him at home but I'm feeling guilty and think that maybe I shouldn't have mentioned it and just let him go.It just emphasises how different he is to his peers iyswim ?

Sorry this is a bit of a ramble I'm just upset today I think I'm coming to terms with things and then something happens to make me feel down again.Just needed to offload.

The worse thing about this is seeing how difficult it is for DS to make sense of the world and not being to help him more than I can.

siblingrivalry Mon 06-Jul-09 11:19:56

Hi,
I really feel for you, as have frequently been there with dd1. She has AS.
I agree that the teacher's response is disappointing -she could have suggested giving him a job to do (like starting the races). However, in your ds' eyes, this may also make him feel 'different' -it depends on the individual child.

I home educate my dd now, but for what it's worth I wouldn't send her to sports day either. She also has dyspraxia and it breaks my heart to see her struggling alongside her peers. She has really low self-esteem, which is why I wouldn't let her participate. However, it again varies from child to child and you are the best person to decide what is best for your son.

I think the period leading up to dx is really unsettling;you are trying to come to terms with everything and you also want to help your son to cope. It's only natural to have bad days and to feel down. I think you are doing the right thing posting on here -we all need to offload and the great thing about this board is that everyone understands.

You know your son best and if you think that attending sports day wouldn't be beneficial, you don't need to feel bad about not sending him.
A perk of that is that you don't have to sit through 2 hours of watching other people's kids!wink

mysonben Mon 06-Jul-09 11:21:12

Sending you hugs...
I know where you are coming from with the "coming to terms with things only to be back in the pits again".

It's hard to see our dc struggles and not to be able to make it all better straight away, but we 're all doing our best and slowly things will get better for most, it just takes longer for our dc to learn/make sense of the world,...

I'm always saying what progress ds is making with his speech, his understanding , his attitude to life,...until i see others children of his age.

Do you think your ds would have had a meltdown for sure at the sports day?
I mean you know him more than anyone else.
But the other day my ds surprised me nicely, he is a pageboy at sil's wedding and i was worried about the wedding rehersal, well ok he diddn't stand where he was supposed to and he was running about in the church , but he didn't scream or got upset once. grin
I think i will give him the benefit of the doubt a bit more from now on.

Maybe you could let him go , but prepare a specisl bag for him with stickers, little treats, winner rosette , tiny sweeties,...to make him feel special even if he doesn't win and to distract him a bit if he starts having a tantrum???
I don't know your ds level of understanding or how bad he is with meltdowns, but it's just a suggestion.

frazzledazzle Mon 06-Jul-09 11:41:58

DS said to me, "It's sports day on Weds and if I lose I will be mad." I try to explain to him that losing doesn't matter but he looks at me like I've lost my marbles!
He also said he would shove children out of the way in order to win.
Not winning really upsets him,last time we played a game he had big meltdown,he thinks that because he wants to win then he will and when this doesn't happen he stomps around screaming and crying and trying to hurt himself sad.

troutpout Mon 06-Jul-09 11:46:43

sadFrazzledazzle...it does get easier. ds is 12 and i still have those days...but it's less frequent.

Actually i'm really disappointed with the teachers response on this one. It's a cop out imo. The support should be there so that your child can access sports day in a way which makes it a success for him.

It's not good enough is it?

Are they going to do the same with other school activities? (there will be lots).

Does your boy have funding?

debs40 Mon 06-Jul-09 11:48:25

I can't believe these posts as I am going through the exact same thing and thought I was the only one. It is DS' sports day tomorrow and he has been complaining bitterly about sports day practice as he hates coming last. He is 6 and is undergoing dx for possible AS

I am sorry you are all having the same issues. But there is comfort in knowing we are not alone - I suppose hmm

I'm going to talk him through it all tonight.

He had a music festival on Thursday last week and he wouldn't join in the songs and sat and watched on my knee. I felt sad for him sad. Teacher was happy with him ducking out but it's always hard to know how much to encourage and how much to accept

Hope it all goes ok for everyone whatever you decide to do

debs40 Mon 06-Jul-09 11:54:14

mysonben great idea about the winner's bag!

frazzledazzle Mon 06-Jul-09 11:56:52

No-one has mentioned statements yet,although shool is becoming tougher for him and the teacher said she would get the ed psych in again before the end of term.

DS's teachers have been good with him so far but I do feel a little let down that they were really quick to say keep him at home even though I suggested it.

We only really realised DS has a possible ASD in Feb although the school have been dropping hints about it since nursery.

Since he started in reception his needs have become really apparent I can't believe how much he seems to have changed in 6 months.I can't believe we didn't notice things sooner.

troutpout Mon 06-Jul-09 11:57:46

that is a brill idea about the winners bag...you could gear him up for it beforehand so he knows that he only has to complete the race to get it.

troutpout Mon 06-Jul-09 11:59:35

He doesn't need a statement for funding...ds hasn't got one and gets 15 hours a week. This was applied for even before he had a dx.

hereidrawtheline Mon 06-Jul-09 12:01:40

I dont really have much useful to add but I wanted to let you know I am sorry for you both, and I understand. Its sad when we want our children to be happy and do normal things and find limits on them.

frazzledazzle Mon 06-Jul-09 12:02:18

Thanks for the messages everyone ,it is good to offload to people who understand,I'm mostly a lurker.smile

hereidrawtheline Mon 06-Jul-09 13:33:29

I know how you feel abou offloading! I do a lot of it here blush as I am so busy with everything else in my life its hard to find time just to browse IFSWIM. But the people on SN are so lovely so stick around and offload all you need.

PeachyTheRiverParrettHarlot Mon 06-Jul-09 13:43:23

troutpout that fepends on the school- ours wasn't prepared to spend anything on teh very few SN kids, post Head change I was informed that the Head had spent the budget on other stuff but as DS3 has gone now (!!!! Yay) have no idea what the outcome of that issue was.

Statementing is guaranteed allocated funding, but even then some councils I understand are moving to not funding until a minimum funding level is reached, both of my boys would have fallen under that.


frazzle I also agree the teacher's approach was wrong, though not sure what extra help they could lay on at this notice- I know that the old school would ahve struggled to find people just to start races let alone provide 1-1.

However this cometitive thing isn't unusual in AS / HFA kids (ds1 does it a lot and we see it in ds3 though he is more severe due to SLI) and it's something I would want to cover in IEP and general planning for next year

troutpout Mon 06-Jul-09 14:41:47

Oh i know peachy. ds's school kind of kept it quiet for a long time though...the funding. Kept mooting that he was too much hard work but wasn't bad enough to get a statement(clearly couldn't be arsed to do anything at all). It was really only when camhs stepped into the picture and start asking questions like 'what are you doing with this child ?' that an appliction for funding suddenly appeared.
Just might be worth asking a few questions anyway. I just get the feeling that some schools try to put forward this idea that you need a statement for any help...even when they have no intention applying for one. Makes me blardy mad

lou031205 Mon 06-Jul-09 15:42:50

You have to do what is best for your DS, it is hard. DD went to hers (she is 3.6), but had no hope of even coming 2nd to last, and ran off alot even with 1:1. But she is blissfully unaware that she stands out like a sore thumb.

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