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I feel so bad as though I make dd worse sometimes :-(

(61 Posts)
Blossomhill Sun 15-May-05 18:30:50

I just feel so ashamed to say this but sometimes just feel I actually make dd worse.
The reason being that I hardly ever take her anywhere as I am frightened of other people's reactions. How awful does that sound?
The trouble is that unless I expose dd to lots of different environments then how is she ever going to learn. I am almost paranoid and I think it stems back to 2 years ago when we had to wait in a gp surgery for well over an hour and dd was really behaving badly as although you she still finds it hard to wait 2 years ago she was a nightmare. It all came to a head and I ended up in floods of tears when the receptionist told me there was still 7 people in front of me.
Today we went out and everytime dd put her fingers in her ears or hummed I tried to stop her as I hate people looking at her . Why can't I just relax and not care what other people think? It is getting out of control and I have to say even counselling hasn't helped.
I just feel like such a sh*t mother and a complete b*tch.
Sorry about the ramble but dh is at football and I needed to talk to someone

motherinferior Sun 15-May-05 18:39:38

BH, love: I want to say that I have two NT kids, but there are times when I cringe and refuse to take them anywhere. Honestly. I found myself wondering, a short while ago, if I could ever go out in public with them again - the tantrums, the shouting and the whingeing. I know that if either of my children had behavioural problems I would feel much the same way as you.

I don't have any real suggestions, but wanted to say this, because no I don't think you're a bitch; I think you are struggling with a really very difficult situation. You are not a sh*t mother - you are in a setup which often pelts you with sh*t.

coppertop Sun 15-May-05 18:41:57

BH I'm pretty certain that we ALL avoid those situations where we know/suspect that our children are going to kick off. I know I certainly do. If I can possibly avoid taking ds2 somewhere then I will.

Ds1 is relatively easygoing these days when we're out and about but he has a lot of verbal stims that, quite frankly, drive me mad. There's only so many times that I can listen to him saying "Eee eee urr" over and over. I think it gets more difficult to deal with as they get older as other people seem to expect more of them and of course it's the parents who get the disapproving glares.

You're not making mini-Bloss worse at all, BH. Even from reading your posts on MN it's obvious that you would do anything within your power to help her. You're not a sh*t mother and you're definitely not a b*tch!

happymerryberries Sun 15-May-05 18:50:40

I have cancelled party invites when my two NT kids are getting hyper and I know they will kick off.

You are just a great person dealing with some shitty situations. Hugs

Blossomhill Sun 15-May-05 18:55:33

Thanks motherinferior and coppertop
I am sitting here in tears because as awful as this sounds and I will probably never be welcome on sn again. I just wish dd was normal, what I mean by that is without all of this added cr*p. We adore dd as she is but unfortunately the rest of the world aren't as understanding Sorry this sounds so self indulgent as it really doesn't mean to be xxx

Blossomhill Sun 15-May-05 18:55:52

Thanks HMB xxx

coppertop Sun 15-May-05 19:01:19

Of course you'll always be welcome on the SN board! I love my ds'es and their little quirks but I would also love the chance to experience life in the way that families of NT children do.

nutcracker Sun 15-May-05 19:07:47

Blossomhill of course you are not making her worse, and of course you will try and avoid taking her anywhere that might upset and her and cause a scene. My kids are NT and I do that all the time.
Youa re not awful for wishing dd were normal either, it is natural to wish your livees were different sometimes. I'm sure people with NT kids do it too, and about much less important things.

You are a wonderful mother, you have recently changed your whole lifestyle mainly for your dd's sake and I know from talking to that you never do anything without thinking about how it will effect both of your children.

I actually quite often wish when talking to you that I could be such a good mum as you are to your kids.

nutcracker Sun 15-May-05 19:08:21

Blimey loads of typos there , sorry

monica2 Sun 15-May-05 19:08:28

BH, I think your feelings are perfectly normal and I am sure any mum would admit to feeling like this from time to time. However, I have to say from your previous threads your dd sounds like an amazing little girl in many other ways, even with all the other stuff she has to deal with! I find it helps to focus on dd's many positive strengths and try not to get hung up on the preconceptions we have of how a child should behave! Hope this makes sense!

gggglimpopo Sun 15-May-05 19:11:37

BH - you are human - you are allowed to be sad/pi$$ed off/angry. No one asks for their child to have probs. You really care for and about her , it is shining out of your post, and you feel vulnerable on your dd's behalf, but I thinkin reality you are simply protecting her, like any loving mother should. The flip side is so much worse - not worrying on her behalf.

I have 5 children - one with talipes, which whilst totally different, would break my heart when people commented (or worse silently watched agog) when she limped or hobbled or appeared different to her peers.

Special needs children are just that - special.

Davros Sun 15-May-05 19:23:58

BH, we need you and these sort of threads on SN!! Being honest is so hard in RL as we just don't need it sometimes, that's why this is such a good place for all of us. I know what you mean though and I do it all the time. e.g. today we went to M&S and DH went in with DD while I waited outside with DS, too much hard work to take him in today, and that's a VERY small example. The truth is that they are sometimes worse for us, as their mothers in particular. Although DS has so far always been best for me as well as worse iyswim. you keep posting, or else!

lynny70 Sun 15-May-05 19:27:59

Message deleted

JakB Sun 15-May-05 19:51:50

Oh, BH, we all feel like that sometimes. Don't feel guilty- you're just being honest. We get stared at all the time and some days I cope with it fine (and give them a f* off grin). Others I find it very hard. Today I went into town with DS and not DD as I knew she was tired and that made me nervous. It's OK to find it difficult. And, like Lynny says, you can make contingency plans to ease things along a bit. DD got her OWN WAITING ROOM at the doctors last time we went

Davros Sun 15-May-05 20:10:06

As for appts, depending on who/what it is, always consider NOT taking them. Often the Dr/whoever doesn't need to see them and spends all the time talking to the parents.

Eulalia Sun 15-May-05 20:19:57

You aren't making her worse. I guess she does these things regardless of circumstances so stop worrying. She is at school isn't she? She will be getting exposed to lots of different things there.

I was told on our Earlybird Plus (Autism) course recently that doctor's surgeries should allow families where someone has special needs an early appointment so they don't have to wait.

Hope you feel better soon.

Jimjams Sun 15-May-05 20:26:49

goodness bh this is exactly the sort of thread that belongs on sn- it's real, it's how it is.

I'll take ds1 out to places but only if we can bail out easily, and I don't take him anywhere where he has to wait (as he can't). I do know what you mean though- last time he had shoes fitted he had them done at home (friend's sister) and I wondered whether it was right to do that- but it was so much easier (he even alowede his feet to be measured) that I ended up thinking sod it. Usually we have to arrange a babysitter for the other 2 so 2 of us can take him shoe shoppimg.

His class had a party in a soft play centre today- and I can safely say it was the first birthday party I've been to that I've enjoyed. 7 SLD kids- it was mad. We all commented to each other how much we enjoyed it - as we were the only ones there- and no-one was staring....

Stop beating yourself up!

SoBlue Sun 15-May-05 21:08:47

BH i think you sound like a great mum, i can't tell you how many humiliating experiences we've had on one of our finely planned trips but i just ignore everyone and focus on my ds. They are not in my shoes and lucky for them they don't have to deal with it. I do! . Just keep at it and don't lose sight of her great qualities, we love our kids with all their difficulties. What more could they want!

Blossomhill Sun 15-May-05 21:09:54

Big, big thanks to all of you for your stories and advice xxx
Nutcracker - thanks a lot. I spoke to you earlier about how I felt
Monica - yes i know I need to focus on positives and do try but it can be so hard. This will make you laugh, typical dd. Went to farm today and as you know dd can read anything. Anotehr girl about same age as dd went to touch this chicken and dd said very matter of fact "no, don't touch the animals as they often mistake fingers for food " She had read it off of this poster. The look she got from this girl was actually quite comical!!! It is times like that they are actually quite hard as dd talks very well but there is obviously not something quite right (sounds awful saying that) IYKWIM
gggg - I know I shouldn't worry but it is so hard. I worry probably everyday!
Davros - well you know me. I always wear my heart on my sleeve and actually do feel better once I get something off of my chest.
Lynny 70 - thanks for your lovely post and so true! Especially the bit about coping better at home. I almost breathe a sigh of relief when we get home after being out as I can relax so much more at home. We have a weekend booke in Ponins in 2 weeks and am dreading it although dd will love it!
JakB - loving the idea of a seperate waiting room
Eulalia - Thanks yes she is in a language unit!
Jimjams - everything has to be planned military here too. I even fitted my own clarkes shoes last time and it was fine. Just bought the size I thought she needed as I couldn't face it tbh
So, so pleased about the party, really made me smile
Well I think i still find it hard not having a very specific diagnosis and it can be rather unsettling tbh It's just something I will have to live with at least for now!

Blossomhill Sun 15-May-05 21:12:01

Oh didn't see your post soblue
Thanks! I wish and trying really hard to be more like you are. Hopefully I will get there one day. I think it's all about accepting tbh and I do find it so hard when dd is with other children her age as her difficulties become more obvious. It actually really hurts
I need to get a grip, sorry

SoBlue Sun 15-May-05 21:40:23

I know how you feel, sometimes i look a children who are obviously disabled and think they are lucky because at least everyone can see they have problems and can be sympathetic. My child looks like a model but his behaviour's not!

Blossomhill Sun 15-May-05 21:42:08

Same here soblue - dd is a gorgeous angelic looking little thing. I think that's what shocks people when she shows such challenging behaviour!!!

Merlot Sun 15-May-05 21:45:09

Oh Blossom - I feel like you too sometimes, but my ds2 is still quite young so his differences are maybe not so apparent - yet!

Lynny your post is just so wonderful - I am going to cut and paste it into a document and stick it on my fridge! It will fortify me for when I have my moments just like Blossomhill.
Absolutely true about home being a safe haven

We're off to Greece at the end of this month for two weeks and I'm beginning to dread it (particularly the flight) - even though I've been looking forward to it for so long iykwim - complete paradox!

Blossomhill Sun 15-May-05 21:46:51

I do feel merlot that dd's gap has widened quite considerably from the age of 5-6 I can really see it now wheras when she was smaller certain things were far more acceptable.
Have a great holiday

SoBlue Sun 15-May-05 21:48:28

Well i feel better that im not the only one who has those thoughts! I try not to compare him with other NT children because he's not and im lucky that iv resigned myself to that just as i have to not having my normal life as i knew it! Im taking him to EuroDisney Nov and dreading it but he will love it and i guess that makes it worth it!

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