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Can I have help RIGHT NOW with what to do with DS

(22 Posts)
hereidrawtheline Tue 23-Jun-09 21:06:16

He is screaming and refusing to sleep of course and I just do not know what to do with him. He wants to eat peanut butter and watch videos and I dont want him to as that just gives him something to stay awake for. He has been offered bread and hot chocolate and juice. He is screaming over everything. He threw his train track at me and has punched me. At the moment I am trying to ignore him as much as possible. I feel really cruel because he is crying but this cant go on last night he only slept from 12-3. What do I do?

5inthebed Tue 23-Jun-09 21:12:27

Is the light nights affecting him? Can you make his room really dark?

He is quite verbal isn't he? Perhaps telling him "sleep first, then pb in the morning"

I usually cup my ear with my hand and say "listen" firmly when ds2 has a meltdown. Usually a visual aid rather than a verbal one works.

hereidrawtheline Tue 23-Jun-09 21:15:31

his room is dark. At the moment he is bouncing around the living room saying boing boing

we have really really fucked up.

DH gave him a pb sandwich with juice but he put medised in the juice and was using the pb to make DS thirsty to drink the juice.

I feel so so bad. I have an honesty policy with DS because he is so quick I dont want him to not trust me. He drank half the juice then said "this has medised in it I dont want it" and I am so ashamed of myself for going along with it. I really feel awful. We just dont know what to do. It has been a year and we are still only just about to see CAHMS we just dont have the tools we need i.e. melatonin especially. I am so ashamed of myself for decievign DS

lou031205 Tue 23-Jun-09 21:19:13

HIDTL - STOP!

Don't feel ashamed of yourself. You tried to find a solution that would give your DS the rest he needs and the break that you need.

hereidrawtheline Tue 23-Jun-09 21:23:10

thanks I just feel really crap about it. Me and DS have so much trust and he totally caught me out in a lie.

hereidrawtheline Tue 23-Jun-09 21:24:42

oh he is driving me mad

he just crumbled loads of bread all over the floor then ran into his room and of course ran into the bloody wall and is crying now. He just goes from one disaster to another because he doesnt slow down one iota OR sleep!

lou031205 Tue 23-Jun-09 21:26:43

OK. He is very verbal, and smart. I would work out what the most 'boring', safest room in the house. Even if that is the bathroom. Then escort him to that room. Explain that if he doesn't want to go to bed, that is fine.

BUT - There is no telly - it's too late.
-There is no food, it's too late.
-There is no choice of drinks.

...You catch my drift.

He will get bored. Eventually he will go to bed. It is a battle of wills.

With DD we have got to the point where she knows there are none of those things, and she eventually decides that she may as well go back to bed.

hereidrawtheline Tue 23-Jun-09 21:31:47

thanks for understanding about me spiking my sons blackcurrant. I feel such an idiot I should never have thought he'd fall for it.

He is at the moment in his bedroom and he is very quiet. I actually dont know where DH is, if he went in with him or not but they certainly arent talking.

I was doing what you said (I agree with you) and I was not really answering him when he spoke to me just "hmm" kind of noises when I felt I had to say something. I feel really mean and I know that is irrational.

lou031205 Tue 23-Jun-09 21:40:46

smile

The trouble is that it is so hard sometimes to work out what the real issue is.

I know that for us, she will expect whatever we do once, forever.

hereidrawtheline Tue 23-Jun-09 22:33:20

he is asleep. DH sat with him in silence and he fell asleep.

Thanks for talking me through it. I just want to go AAAAAHHHHHH it seems so crap we are still dealing with this and we have yet to even have had an assessment. I just feel like we are chasing our tails.

5inthebed Tue 23-Jun-09 22:36:05

Sorry, I had a screaming baby to feed.

Don't feel bad about spiking his drink! Goodness knows how many ood products I laced with Melatonin when we first started giving DS2 it!

Glad he has settled down for you. Have you even got a date for your assessment?

hereidrawtheline Tue 23-Jun-09 22:42:19

its this thursday!! I am so nervous. I need to write loads of notes tomorrow might be calling on you to help me with that!!

screaming babies can not be kept waiting!

5inthebed Wed 24-Jun-09 08:15:18

Oh wow, Thursday! Will try help as much as I can, although my head is in bits over this statement (which reminds me I have to start a post on it).

How is he this morning? Did he manage to stay in bed all night?

hereidrawtheline Wed 24-Jun-09 09:34:09

wow - he did!! he slept til 8 am! Madness!

Of course it took me til 2am to finally fall asleep so I still feel like a truck has run over me! He is full of beans.

What is going on with your statement? Will have a look.

silverfrog Wed 24-Jun-09 09:49:34

HIDTL, do you think it was the medised (even though he didn't drink all of it), or that he was calmed by your dh sitting there until he fell asleep?

dd1 is going through the hugest insecure phase, and so we have had to sit with her until she falls asleep for the last couple of weeks.

we are now at the point where we are outside the room, though - last night I sat out of her immediate sight, with the door stillopen, and she was ok with htat.

I am glad that your ds got a good night's sleep, though - hopefully he will need less of a nap today, and be nice and ready for bed tonight smile

hereidrawtheline Wed 24-Jun-09 10:15:39

I cant really know how much medised he had in the end... probably not even half a dose he only drank half the cup of juice. I think we made him angry by not playing or talking or engaging him in the living room so he took himself off to his room in a strop, then DH sat with him in silence and he fell asleep. I'd be inclined to think it was not the medised.

He has been going through a big insecure phase as well, also he has such a lot of energy I just cant even quantify it. He says now "I'm being manic" LOL and "I've got lots of energy!"

How old is your DD1 sorry I cant remember.

Widemouthfrog Wed 24-Jun-09 10:18:56

HIDTL - I missed this thread last night. Sorry!
Glad you finally got some sleep and I hope you get the help you need from tomorrows appointment.
I have had cycles like this with DS2 (undergoing assessment). I was told that giving in to demands is not an option, because DS2 is intelligent and knows that even if it takes 2 hrs of screaming he will finally get what he wants. Guess what - I have given in - I defy anyone not to when a child is in such distress and out of control.
We now shut DS2 in his room at a set time - there is a gate on the door - and he may or may not go to bed for several hours. The room is safe and we just ride it out. We offer nothing - choices add fuel to the rage. After several weeks this is working - he doesn't got to sleep but he is contained and calm. Much like Lous suggestion - find a ssafe place and give nothing. It will be wworse before it gets better, but a clear and consistent message will ultimately make him feel more secure

silverfrog Wed 24-Jun-09 10:36:58

dd1 is 4 (5 in August)

we have had insecure phases forever, and have tried various things to ride them out.

she used to eb ok being in her room form bedtime until whenever she went to sleep - singing, reading, looking out of the window etc. and then at times it would all go wrong, for no reason in particular, and we had to find other ways to deal with it.

we have been told, you have two choices - give in straight away (to avoid giving the wrong impression when you give in after lots of screaming), or ride it out. it depends on the situation which one we use.

if dd1 is having a tantrum (meltdown, really, but say that to convey what it might be over - eg wanting ice cream) then we are happy to ride it out.

if she is actually distressed over something (even though we don't know what), we give in. her fears, though not always apparent to us, are real to her, and I would not leave dd2 scared of something, or distressed by something, so tha tis my boundary line.

which is what led to us sleeping in her room, but we have cured her terror of being in her bedtroom.

we stayed with dd1 in her room because she was scared of being there herself (no idea why). she would scream the place down, and repeatedly come out of her room. when out of her room, she would be calmer, but would not be able to settle to sleep 9only ever sleeps in her room) as too stimulating all around her.

so, we needed to keep her in her room, but find a way to stop her panicking and screaming, which she had come to associate with being in her room.

so we stayed wiht her - completely wrong footed her, as she wasn't expecting it. we didn't interact at all - just like your dh last night. just sat there and pretended to go to sleep (dh actually does go to sleep - I wish i had his ability to just sleep at will grin) until she slept, no matter what she was doing. we do not try to keep her on her bed, or keep her quiet, just let her read/sing/self settle util she falls asleep.

we have also put dd1 and dd2 in the same room, as this solves another issues for us as we go away a lot, but this is incidental, and hasn't affected dd1 at all.

once she was calm with staying in her room, we started moving slowoly to the door. again, no interaction, no actual movement that she could see, just set up our camp a little closer to the door each night.

then in the doorway, then outside the door, etc.

she has been fine with it, and we have committed to staying until she is asleep each night, which has really calmed her down (is a PITA, bt tbh, if it soves the issue, then it is better than endless nights of us tearing our hair out). she normally falls asleep around 9.30/10pm ish, so it is not an easy evening for us (they go to bed around 7ish) but the aim is to get her comfortable being in the room alone (well, with dd2 now) and the door closed agian, and doing her stuff until she falls asleep, which is essentially what is happening now, albeit with a safety net for her.

silverfrog Wed 24-Jun-09 10:38:15

oh, and a safe bedroom is def a good idea. also one tha tis not too stimulating - toys/books at a minimum so as to let your ds settle easily.

Widemouthfrog Wed 24-Jun-09 10:48:20

Good point silvefrog - the distinction between meltdown/tantrum as a point of control and real hysterical fear. I do not condone leaving a frightened child. We do go into DS2 and sleep by his bed on the floor if he is upset during the night. He never comes out of the room though.

lou031205 Wed 24-Jun-09 11:16:20

I agree also. We always give in if there is a hint that there is something 'wrong', as opposed to a tantrum/meltdown for the sake of it.

hereidrawtheline Wed 24-Jun-09 12:41:10

yes that is what I try to do as well, I dont want to put him through any emotional torture if there is something wrong and he isnt just being difficult for the sake of it (which he does do a lot!)

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