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Just burst into tears changing DS's pants :(

(28 Posts)
SammyK Tue 09-Jun-09 20:40:48

and now feel even more rubish as he followed me and said 'oh I'm sorry mummy' sad

I know he can't help it but it's like all my sadness bubbled up and I couldn't keep it in. sad

He has aspergers (is 4) and is toilet phobic so I have pooey pants to contend with if anyone not familiar with my talk name.

marmoset Tue 09-Jun-09 21:01:47

Don't be too hard on yourself - pooey pants are the final straw some days.

5inthebed Tue 09-Jun-09 21:05:13


I know exactly how you fel. Have often cried when changing ds2's nappy (he is 3.10).

SammyK Tue 09-Jun-09 21:11:09

He was four in October and has been dry for over a year (though sometimes wets as he does a big poo). It just feels like he will always do it. sad I have tried allsorts, whenever it's mentioned people give me all kinds of suggestions as though I'm lazy or daft. I have tried everything!!

He is very recently sitting to wee, but I think it is now entrenched that he poos standing up in his pants. I don't know how I cna get him out of doing something he has done since he could stand up!

I am a bit ill in a run down kind of way and am working over time this week, so yes I think it was one of those moments.

Thanks for the replies, in a way it's sad that others are going through the same, but also reassuring I am not the only one going through it if that makes sense.

2shoes Tue 09-Jun-09 21:12:45

poor you
but do not give up hope.
dd has cp and I never ever ever thought we would get there.....she is 14 an 100% dry

SammyK Tue 09-Jun-09 21:19:02

thanks 2shoes,

I have just asked him, "when you are big like daddy will you poo in the toilet?" and he said yes, so I asked "when you are big like {bigbro} will you poo in the toilet?" and he said yes. Bigbro is 12 so there is hope hmm grin

TotalChaos Tue 09-Jun-09 21:38:34

you poor thing, the poo thing can be quite trying. sometimes it does click with them all at once though.

mysonben Tue 09-Jun-09 21:54:59

Oh you poor thing, it is hard sometimes and the road can seem long , but he'll get there, my ds (asd) is 3y7m, when i started potty training last year in july i didn't know about his asd. And i couln't understand why it was taking so long for him to be clean , he used to poo in his pants every day, he refused to ask /sit on the potty or toilet, i stuck with it 'intensive potty training' was my motto , it took over 7 months before we saw any results, now he is clean with some accidents happening at times. But i know how you feel it is hard to cope with it sometimes. Courage and don't give up! hugs.

lagaanisace Tue 09-Jun-09 21:57:57

My DS 4.1 will happily sit on the toilet, but he seems somehow phobic of letting go of either wee or poo into the toilet. So even if I know he's desperate and sit him on it, he'll only do it once he's come off the toilet.

I sobbed in front of him recently over something else and felt bad about it. When I told my kind hv, she said that at least he doesn't live in an emotionally sterile environment. I really appreciated that and I'm sure your kindness and love overwhelmingly make up for moments of negative emotion.

milou2 Tue 09-Jun-09 22:00:50

Mine used to do his poo in a nappy. At about age 4 he'd ask for his nappy, I'd put it on and he'd find a quiet place to stand to do it (just like standing up to deliver??).

One day he went upstairs to the loo his father tends to use and from then on he used that one I was so proud that he worked it out and did it when he was ready.

I was concerned re school, but he 'got it' while he was at pre-school which was only 3 hours a day and they were very kind and had a nappy ready just in case he needed it.

Bigpants1 Tue 09-Jun-09 22:41:34

Please dont get despondent. My ds1-ADHD and Aspergers- was wet EVERY night until he was 9yrs old.One night it just stopped, and we have never looked back. My ds-just turned 6-still goes through phases where he soiles every day, but when he is sat on toilet, he will poo. (Sigh).Hes NT. Sometimes I can be calm about it, but if im stressed,at the end of a long day, it is too much. Then, when he gets upset, I feel lousy!
Believe me when I say, your ds will eventually use the toilet.He maybe 4 in age, but emotionally, hes probably a year behind, cos of his ASD. Try not to compare his milestones with his peers-hes going at his own pace, and enjoy each little accomplishment he achieves.(Not saying you are doing this-just it may upset you if you are).
Lastly, I dont know if you are aware, but you are entitled to free nappies and pull-ups from your HV/Paediatric Clinic,as your child is over 3, and not toilet trained-we used to get them for our son,and saved us a fortune. Maybe, it would take the pressure off you and ds, if he wore pullups for a while? At least if he soiled these, you could throw them away, rather than having something else to wash.
Tomorrows another day-keep reminding myself that too, as going through crappy time too at present.

joylander Tue 09-Jun-09 23:54:28

hi just joined, is their some relevance to aspergers and poo, my boy is 8 and i always had a theory there was, he used to hate nappy change and even though pretty dry he would find a nappy to poo in, and would not go otherwise, today at 8 he is embarassed about poo and hides it from us, even though we are pretty open we watch it go in one end and are not embarassed by what comes out the other, he is diagnosed adhd but checking now for aspergers, due to my gut feelings on sensory.

magso Wed 10-Jun-09 08:46:03

I used to find soiling one of the harder issues, so I can well understand that if you are rundown it would be the last straw! (Been there too).
I am impressed he said sorry mummy - he may not have worked out how to get his body to do what is required but he worked out that you were sad about the clean up! Quite a step I would say! And polite with it.

staryeyed Wed 10-Jun-09 09:32:18

I can relate Sammyk Ds is 4 ASD and we are trying to potty train him. We have had poos everywhere and if he is wearing pants or nappies he will poo and then remove them and sometimes put his hands in it and even eat it blush so he is often covered head to toe in pooh. Sometimes I feel like crying after a long day with him and I just sigh to myself "oh FFS"

Marne Wed 10-Jun-09 09:37:31

Hi, my dd1 (5.3) is toilet phobic too sad, she will sit on the loo with her plastic toilet seat (which took her a while to get used to) but now she's at school and going into her 2nd year in September i really need her to use the big toilets at school (she has small toilets in reception class but won't in year 2).
I have spent many evenings crying in the bathroom with dd1 sad, i get so frustrated then dd1 gets upset and i feel so guilty for making her do something she is so scared of sad.
Dd1 wont soil herself but she will hold it in for days and make herself ill so i find it easier just to let her use the potty or toilet seat.

lagaanisace Wed 10-Jun-09 09:56:49

Bigpants, thanks for the info - I'll ask my hv!

sarah293 Wed 10-Jun-09 11:05:17

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NaccetyMac Wed 10-Jun-09 11:29:59

So glad I found this thread! (not glad other people are struggling, but YKWIM!)

DS1 is 3y10m, and I have been struggling since last August to get him trained. I gave up a few weeks ago (due to feeling like I was being cruel to him) and he wore nappies again for a few weeks. Now he's decided he wants to wear pants, but has pooed in them for the last two days anyway - but he has weed in the loo, so that's better! Will only wee/ poo standing up though. And also holds it until he is in a safe place/ with a safe person (ie, me, DH or PIL) until he does it. So the childminder thinks it's my fault!

He has some "sensory issues," waiting to hear back from the CDC about the MDA we had.

SammyK Wed 10-Jun-09 18:58:40

Thanks for all of these replies, me and DS ended up climbing into my bed last night at 8pm! He wakes up during the night so I figured I might get a little more sleep if we both went to bed early!

I had to take him out of pull ups aged 3 as he grew out of pull ups/nappies. He was four in October but is in 6-7 clothes and pants. Wish I had known about getting them free when I could have as you are right, you either throw the pants away (money down the drain), or clean them (and want to cry again). Thankfully we currently get high rate DLA for care so I try not to stress when I have to bin yet another pair of pants. smile

Surprised how many others have or have had this problem, and nice to see they seem to eventually grow out of it.

We have had the poo on bathroom tiles and I have totally thrown a wobbly each time and made him help me clean it blush, it happened I think 3 times and he realised it was something I really WOULD NOT tolerate. I am an impatient person but am very tolerant with DS usually and so I think he realised it was a no no.

Emotionally and socially he is 3 definately, then other areas (numeracy, memory and computing) he is way ahead. He is extremely polite, he is like a little old english gentleman the way he speaks (unless quoting something he has no local dialect in his voice which is noticeable where we live).

DS starts school full time in September and as well as issues around support in the classroom and his anxiety levels, I am also very worried for him about his toilet phobia. sad He doesn't poo at school, waitrs till home, but won't be able to do this when doing a full school day. Glad he is old for his year at least.

I guess all I can do is remain supportive and encouraging. {sigh} grin

CKJ Wed 10-Jun-09 22:25:28

Hi! I'm new here and have exactly the same with my DS. He's 4 and at nursery school, and starts full time in September. He's just been given a 'working' dx of HFA which will probably be narrowed down to Aspergers once CAMHS have finished their assessments.

And I can safely say (cos we chart his motions!) that I have dealt with at least one pair of pooey pants every day for the last 6 months. He waits until he is home and then goes behind the sofa to poo his pants. Wees are not so much of a problem, he does them standing up into the toilet - unfortunately wees sometimes go into the bath but I am dealing with that!

I know just how you feel. I so try not to get upset with him. And sometimes it's really hard when you have to stop cooking or something and wipe him up and rinse the pants and you end up covered in poo. I also worry about what will happen in Sept at school. His GP and Paed were hoping that peer pressure might bring some results but, as he doesn't seem to care what others think, I don't hold out much hope.

Ah well ....

busybeingmum Wed 10-Jun-09 23:04:47

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busybeingmum Wed 10-Jun-09 23:06:31

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Graciefer Wed 10-Jun-09 23:21:31

Hi sammy,
my son is 6 but in 9-10 clothes and we get free nappies, they will try to find the right size, if you tell them his weight and they;ll send you samples to try to find the right size for him.

we get curity sleep pants in size large they are just like dry nights and are basically a large pull-up. I dont see us being trained and certainly not clean trained for a while yet.

obviously this is for my area and different areas provide sometimes very diffferent services but you wont lose anything by asking )

we are going through a smearing phase at the moment so I really know where you are coming from with the frustration.

keep your chin up we are all here for you x

chipmonkey Thu 11-Jun-09 00:29:34

Sammy and all you other ladies who have had trouble in the poo department, it does get better!Ds1 is 12 now, but at almost 4, he would only poo in his pants. I remember being almost hysterical some days when changing himsad He doesn't have ASD but does have ADD although we didn't realise that at the time.
One memory that sticks out with me is having a chat with him about it. He had 2 cousins, one a little older, one a little younger who were both fully trained.
Me: "You know, cousin1 and cousin2 do their poos in the toilet."
Him: "Mammy, can cousin1 read a book? No! Can cousin2 read a book? No! Can ds1 read a book? Yes!"
Well that was me told! As it happened he was a very advanced reader for his age and in some ways he was right to point out to me that there was more to life than pooing in the toilet.

In the end dh and I made a conscious effort to get very chilled about it. It wasn't at all easy but tbh us getting upset about it hadn't made things any better. So if he pooed his pants we just cleaned up without comment. Withing 2 weeks of us chilling, he just got it and went to the toilet himself.

Another thing that helped was to use a mild laxative. Children who "hold on" can actually end up quite constipated and some of the soiling is actually leakage around compacted poo. ( Sorry if TMI!) The laxative meant he couldn't hold on so when we looked out for signs of pooing we could bring him to the toilet quickly so we had some success even though it wasn't due to effort on his part.

He will get there, honestly! And he sounds lovely and you are a great Mum, even if you are a bit stressed, right now.

jabberwocky Thu 11-Jun-09 01:01:07

We had awful problems with ds1 and pooing from the time he was 3 1/2 until he was 5 This thread was started recently about this very thing.

Ds1 has Sensory Processing Disorder and this does seem to go along with poo problems...

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