Hi mum2fred,
First of all I wanted to send you a big virtual hug, as I can completely sympathise with you and know exactly where you are coming from. We're awaiting a formal report for our DS, who's nearly 5, following a verbal diagnosis of mild autism after a multi-agency assessment. The first few days after the diagnosis passed in a blur of stress and tears and I can absolutely agree with what others have posted - take your time and treat yourselves kindly. It's a horrible, isolating, frightening shock and you need a bit of time to come to terms with things.
Having said that, though, I guess I have one real question for you - what do YOU think? Do YOU believe he is autistic? You're his parents. You know this child. From what I've read on here and elsewhere, the 'classic' parental response to a correct DX of autism seems to be "I'm devastated, I love him/her to pieces but I'm so worried/scared for his/her future, I want to do the absolute best for him/her that I can - but you know what, in my heart of hearts I kind of knew this was coming, I knew something was 'different' or 'not right' about DS/DD". Is this you? Or not?
So once you have had a few days - even a week or two - to let the idea sink in, take a bit of time to decide whether this is a diagnosis you actually agree with. As busybeingmum points out, it may be that with this in your mind you now start noticing things you might have not paid attention to before, and start to realise that perhaps the DX is entirely correct. On the other hand, you may reflect on things and think 'hang on, I really don't think this is right'. You may find yourself watching him and not noticing anything different at all.
Of course, the behaviours you describe that the doctor has honed in on are certainly autistic traits, but virtually every child will display autistic traits at some time or other. Your DS is ever so young still. I've been doing a lot of research since our verbal DX, and at one point spoke to a lovely outreach worker from a local school for autistic children and she commented that she could go into any primary school classroom and probably identify 'autistic traits' in most of the children in there - but that doesn't mean that said children would be 'autistic'. I have a nephew who was obsessed, at your DS's age, with lining up cars. I also have a goddaughter who used to climb in and out and in and out and in and out of her paddling pool in the most ritualistic way you can imagine. Neither child is remotely autistic, even though they displayed, as most children can do from time to time, autistic traits.
With hindsight you may of course come reluctantly to the conclusion that, as hard as it is to take on board, your paed is right, and if this IS the case for you then the good news is that with the DX in place you should hopefully be able to access the support your DS needs, as well as heaps of emotional support and advice for you from fellow mumsnetters. BUT if, having taken time to reflect, you genuinely feel that this diagnosis is not quite right then please don't be afraid to seek a second opinion. The National Autistic Society will confirm, you are perfectly within your rights to do this. Even if the second opinion does actually confirm the first one, you'll at least feel that you did everything to ensure a correct DX rather than accept the word of one doctor.
You will probably have gathered by the general tone of my post that we are not happy with the DX our DS has been given - hence why I am urging you not to simply accept yours if you don't believe in your heart of hearts that it's correct. I won't go into specific detail about our DS's situation because that's a whole separate thread in itself and quite frankly I have wittered on too much already! But in a nutshell we will be seeking a second opinion. This is because after a good month of reflecting on our paed's comments, we genuinely do not believe the DX to be correct. We're not in denial, we're not ignoring glaring behaviours, we are prepared to accept ultimately that he IS mildly autistic should a second opinion confirm it - but we are not confident the initial assessment process was either robust or rigorous enough for us to believe in its stated outcome. And I should also add that having spoken to a couple of special needs professionals about it they, too, have strongly urged us to get a second opinion.
Sorry to have posted such a long message. But I hope this is of some help. Take care of all of you, and keep posting.