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Feeling inadequate...

(25 Posts)
lagaanisace Wed 27-May-09 02:22:17

3 children, 3 differernt stages and needs, and feeling as though I'm not fulfilling any all that well.

Don't really know if I'm making the best decisions for DS2 and his additional needs, fighting his corner well enough.

Have been weaning DD and know that I haven't been anywhere near as conscientious as I was with the other 2.

My eldest doesn't get anywhere near enough attention and I'm struggling with his behaviour.

Sometimes think I've signed up for more than I can handle well. People cope with a lot more much better.

Shells Wed 27-May-09 03:40:23

Hello. I've got 3 too and I constantly feel like this and sometimes wish we hadn't had three. But would never give any of them up.

DS2 has SN and I permanently feel guilty that I dont' put enough time into him. But I truly believe that he benefits from his siblings (well, they all do) and that he learns huge amounts from them, especially how to play.

Think its just inevitable that you're not as conscientious with number 3. My number 3 is 18 months now and she's ok -despite me allowing her to have chocolate cake at about 9 months!

Have you got much support? I haven't and I find the only way to cope is to lower my expectations (not too many outings/activities etc.) and then we usually cope ok.

I bet you're a lovely mum.

Phoenix4725 Wed 27-May-09 03:48:21

yepI got 4 and feel like that , though think een if ds did not have sn would feel the same since i got wide age spread

FioFio Wed 27-May-09 08:53:06

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wigglybeezer Wed 27-May-09 10:31:30

Yup. I have three boys and definitely feel that I am not doing a good enough job for each of them, they all have extra things that they need help with, DS3 is NT but I haven't kept on top of his excema recently and when i was depressed for about a year i let a lot of things slip, the main thing being getting knocked off the dentists's list, DS3 is only five but now has several bad teeth (he is being seen by a new dentist next week), I feel so guilty. Mine are all total scruffs these days, with long toenails and shaggy hair and DS3 has not had good training about being tidy etc. It is so hard to get back on top of things when you fall behind, I ended up asking DH to sort out the dentist issue for me.
Try not to feel guilty about asking for help.

lagaanisace Wed 27-May-09 10:41:56

Thanks all. TV is a big guilt area. I've read plenty about its evils and largely wholeheartedly agree with the need to avoid overusing it, but I don't know where my sanity would be sometimes without its hypnotic effect. It's on more than I'm comfortable.

I'm not basically a lazy person, honest, but I don't seem to able to get by without breaking some fairly basic parenting rules, i.e. too much telly, giving in to sweets too often probably, etc.

FioFio Wed 27-May-09 10:42:42

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lagaanisace Wed 27-May-09 10:45:25

thanks, I needed to hear that, actually. I think you tend to feel as though it always has to be business as usual.

siblingrivalry Wed 27-May-09 11:10:45

You aren't alone in this. I only have 2 dc (dd1 has SN) but I feel as though I am constantly letting them down. I spent a huge amount of time yesterday on the phone sorting out dd1's appointments and writing a letter of complaint (another story!) to CDC. The kids had to amuse themselves and I felt awful.

I agree with fio -normal parenting rules just don't apply. Your dc will adore you. You can only do so much in 24 hours,you aren't letting them down.

lagaanisace Wed 27-May-09 12:01:55

Thank you!

marmoset Wed 27-May-09 22:53:36

Hello lagaanisace - you sound perfectly normal to me. Doing everything perfectly would drive me potty which is no use to any of them so we settle for doing what we can manage.

Today's guilt trip - have promised SALT more photos for ds1's communication passport. Haven't done it but I did get a tub of Ben and Jerry's Phish Food which he loved. Photos tomorrow, honest.

I only have one rule in this house and that is that we have to have at least one good laugh per day, even if I have to chase my boys all over the house to tickle them while dd screams her little baby head off grin

How old are your 3 - mine are 12, 10 and 7m?

wiggly - don't feel bad about the dentist. I completely forgot one check up which then meant that we were about 18months between visits. Oh the shame! Got away with it this time but I did feel really guilty.

Shells Wed 27-May-09 23:11:33

Wiggly, my DS2 has never been to the dentist. And he's 5. I've just put it off and put it off because I know it will be a saga. Huge guilt trip - esp. as his diet is pretty awful so teeth are probably awful too.

Agree with Fio, normal parenting needs to go out the window. Avoid all those MN threads about clean houses and perfect children. They're not good for you!

wrinklytum Thu 28-May-09 00:06:27

Laaagansinice.You know who I amYou are doing your best.I only have 2 and its blardy hard.Don't beat yourself up.Why do you think I am here at this time of night?.I am the biggest guilt freak.wE ARE ALL ONLY HUMAN
i AM SOOO glad we know each other and our ds have each other to spark off re sn sibsDON'T feel guilty,I am in admiration of you coping with baby too,couldn't do it!

Am free Sat/Sun,can do something if you want.

Phoenix4725 Thu 28-May-09 06:15:52

have you looked into crossroads for your older ones , been godsend for mine all the otherchildren there are in same boat so they dontfeel so alone .

there ds 1 15, ds2 12, dd6 nt but whole host of medical issues and then theres my pickle ds3almost 4 with complex needs

yep I second rule book outwindow long as there fed and we can laugh some point stopped caring what othersthink

lagaanisace Thu 28-May-09 09:23:22

marmoset , hey. They're nearly 6, 4 and 10 months.

*wrinkly tum* - you found me! Yeah it's great how our paths have kept crossing.

Thanks everyone. Don't want to sound slushy, but the support here can bring tears of relief.

marmoset Thu 28-May-09 12:31:20

lagaan - you are in the middle of a really hectic stage for sure but it will get easier (except for teatime - why do they always kick off at tea time, no matter what age they are?!)

Does your ds2 start school after the holidays?

As for the 6 year old, my ds2 was a horror at 6 which I read had something to do with testosterone surges. Does he get any time on his own with you or his dad - even just watching a favourite programme together or doing a family movie night? Obviously, time with you will be at a premium - my ds2 has had to settle for me sitting on his bed for a few mins each night to hear about his day but that seemed to help a bit.

Btw, i'm weaning dd and last night she had Ready Brek for dinner.....blush

fizzyanddizzy Thu 28-May-09 13:16:03

I have 3 boys (almost 6, almost 3 and almost 8 months!) and have just returned to work and am ready to spontaeously combust!!!

Everytime I feel guilty about not being at home all the time for DS2 who is really struggling, for not having the time after school to give my full attention to DS1, for having a 3rd child with downs syndrome and therefore ruining the childhood of the other two, for not helping DS3 to learn how to eat solid food so that after 2 months of trying he still eats maybe 3 spoonfuls once a day....

Anyway, everytime I think of these things I then think that life could be a hell of a lot worse, that they are actually very lucky (as am I) not least because I would never even attempt to follow normal parenting rules

That you even care about these things means you must be an ace mum doing your best so stop giving yourself a hard time. Having three well hard full stop. Big respect to those out there who have even more

By the way Marmoset - Big Yay to your DD on the weetabix!

marmoset Thu 28-May-09 13:51:58

Hi fizzy - don't you dare spontaneously combust. Btw, i think a few spoonfuls is normal - dd doesn't take much and most of it ends up on the floor and in the dog anyway. Except for the 'reduced sugar' (hah!) rusk and milk which she lapped from the bowl like a pup....Pure catnip to a tiny.

lagaan - is your 10m old a good eater?

lagaanisace Fri 29-May-09 09:30:11

Found the 6 year old comments reassuring.

DS2 is meant to start school in September, but the nursery he's in is so ace that I'm keeping him there until January and weaning him into school over the Autumn term.

DD does, I have to say, eat everything; but I do worry about starting up bad habits for life.

Most of the time I'm amazed by my little brood, but sometimes I have a little 'dip'.

wrinkly , I sent a text about Sat aft. Can't believe it's back to school again on Monday...

LeonieSoSleepy Fri 29-May-09 11:14:55

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marmoset Fri 29-May-09 22:11:15

lagaan - yes, I know what you mean - Life is a rollercoaster as Rowan whatsisname sang smile Good that you have a great nursery and can phase in transition for ds2. As for 6 year olds, that's the point at which I bought a couple of books inc Stephen Biddulph's Raising Boys. Quite helpful and reassuring stuff!
Weaning number 3 definitely isn't the same as for number 1 or 2 is it -there just isn't time! However, i just inveneted a new pudding which I'm very pleased with. Microwaved three dried apricots and an apples for a minute, stirred into Ready Brek and whizzed with hand blender - do you see a theme developing with dd's diet? Watch out for my book - 'Cooking with Ready Brek' grin

Leonie - I hear you. Thank the stars for TV and of course, DVDs (which can be on over and over and over again....)

lagaanisace Sat 30-May-09 09:00:58

'Raising Boys' - I'd seen the book before, maybe now's the time to actually buy it.

DD's diet. Well the good news is that she'll eat anything, like mackerel and humous and most veg. But she's had a much greater exposure to rubbish than the boys ever did. Even if I don't give it to her, I find DS2 force feeding her Smarties or something. Ready Brek is actually an ace idea, though.

marmoset Mon 01-Jun-09 20:54:04

Yes, my dd isn't onto finger food yet but I have a feeling that as soon as she is, Cadbury's Chocolate Fingers will be on the menu! V impressed with the mackerel - will give that a try with mine.

lagaanisace Mon 01-Jun-09 21:24:01

marmoset - I want to thank you for spending the time to 'mentor' me. Sometimes I think you know things, but you just really need to hear them said by other people. Gradually feeling human again after my 'dip'.

Oh and I've ordered 'Raising Boys'.

marmoset Mon 01-Jun-09 21:34:33

Any time lagaan We're all in the same boat smile
Let me know what you think of the book - my copy is well thumbed!

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