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Tit for Tat - its so painful!!!! Ramblings of a very tired and emotional mother.....excuse me whilst I self indulge in a massive rant!!!!

(28 Posts)
Jayzmummy Fri 06-May-05 10:27:21

J's best friends family moved into the house next door to us a while ago......was uncomfortable about the whole idea maily because J is quite obsessed with this boy and didnt want the obsession on my doorstep....but I have no control over who does or does not live next door to me!!

Things went swimingly for a while and it was lovely to see J playing with the other boy. His Mom has an excellent understanding of ASD as she has worked with SN chuldren and her Mum works for NAS.

J's friend has a sister who is 11. She is a funny thing....one day all smiles, the next all tears....must be the hormones!!! Over the past few weeks she has been saying not very nice things to J....calling him thick, stupid etc. She excludes J from any games....asks if DS1 can come over to play....then tells J to "BOG OFF" if he follows. DS1 gets really hacked off with it and is always trying to aviod playing with her....but every time he goes out into the garden she appears and the next minute she is in our garden dictating who can and can not play her games.

I have spoken with the Mum and asked her if she can have a quiet word with daughter and explain to her that its not helpful when she calls J such horrid names as it sends him into a full on meltdown and I am getting the "I want to kill myself" talk all over again. Its taken 6 long and very painful months to build my sons confidence and self esteem up....I dont want to watch is all fall apart.

The Mum isnt very sympathtic at the moment and is actually making things a hell of a lot worse...asking if DS1 wants to stay for tea and not letting J into her house. She isnt talking to me either....she owes me money...her son smashed the back of my car and it will cost over £600 to fix...she is on benefits and cant afford to pay for it to be repaired...so I will have to claim through my insurance and watch my premiums soar next year!!! Things are becoming very strained between us.Hubby and other friend have chatted with her and said that her daughter needs to calm down her spiteful comments because she is causing a lot of damage....but its still happening.

Last night the guys were all invited to a friends house to play on their trampoline. My guys went along and I sat watching them all playing really lovely.......then she turned up.....5 mins later all hell broke loose. She had told J he was a thicky and stupid and really annoying and that everyone hates him. I didnt know what had been said....just more concerned that J had done a runner!!! So back home and I was left to sort out one of the biggest meltdowns.

I have been up all night with J...he was talking the wanting to kill himself talk....really crying and hating everyone and everything.

This morning DS1 told me that on his way back home She had said that J is really thick and whats the problem with telling him that he is??? DS1 pointed out that some children have problems...she knows that J is different and that they should be a bit more tollerant....then my angel pointed out to her that she is quite a hefty young bird and she wouldnt like it if someone called her fat!!!!!!! Off she flounced in tears.

This morning at school she walked over to me and said hello...was I OK?

Not really darling because I am very tired because J was awake all night worrying about what you had said to him. It would be lovely if you could all play nicely together. I know J can be a pain in the backside...but he will learn to get along with people better if you could be a bit more patient with him......

She was fine said sorry and went off with her friends....next thing tears!!!!!!

I walked over to her and she was sobbing so much....I asked her what was wrong and she launched a screaming fit at me...teacher came and I explained what had happened...NOW I AM IN THE BAD BOOKS!!!!!! Apparently I called her Fat!!!!!

So how do I deal with this? I cant stop the guys from playing in the garden...I sit out with them and supervise when J is outside. Im tired...my heart is breaking watching J being so upset by other peoples hurtful words...this is really getting to me and its starting to affect all of ours lives far too much.

I know I cant protect J for the rest of his life from being called names...I understand that J is a difficult little bod at the best of times...arghhhhh!!!!!!!! I just want this all to stop!!!!I want this pain I have in my heart to go away....I want to move and live on a dessert island miles away from anyone who can hurt my baby. I wish they would move.....things were going so well until they moved here....the problem is affecting our friendship with another family because they dont want to be stuck in the middle of all this.....Oh I am so unhappy...sorry just need to have a rant and a good moan...just ignore me!!!!

Distel Fri 06-May-05 10:35:32

How could anyone ignore such a heart wrenching story

I don't really have any advice, it sounds like the mother is being as unhelpfull and dismissive as she possibly can be and you are obviously in a very difficult and awkward situation.

How old id J?

Jayzmummy Fri 06-May-05 10:37:19

9......but functioning 4 years below his chronological age.

assumedname Fri 06-May-05 10:49:00

You have got the right to enjoy your garden in peace. Get a 6 foot fence up and keep this awful girl out.

No-one should be allowed to upset your son in his own home. It should be the one place he can feel safe.

Feel for you.

macwoozy Fri 06-May-05 10:50:26

God, I so know how you're feeling. I've kind of got the same scenario, and I can't bear to watch anymore. An older girl who lives next door is being spiteful to my ds who has Aspergers, she's manipulative and incredibly bossy, especially when other children are also around, and I'm at a loss as to what to do as well. So although I haven't got any good suggestions as to how to help your situation with your poor J, I really do understand your despair, and how very sad it is for your poor ds.

dinosaur Fri 06-May-05 10:55:01

Jayzmummy that's horrible. Poor J - feel really bad for him. What a silly little fat cow. And the mother sounds just as bad.

The only advice I can think of is to have as little to do with them as possible. If the girl comes in your garden uninvited, tell her to get lost. Is J still friendly with her brother?

Jayzmummy Fri 06-May-05 11:21:10

Its really difficult because the brother is J's latest obsession....what time is going to bed...what time is he getting up...whats he having for tea...what clothes is he wearing....xxxxx said....xxxxx does this.... if I hear his name one more time I could scream!!!!

Over the past few days J has stopped wanting to be around them both and xxxxx has sort of moved on to DS1...they actually have more in common but DS1 isnt very keen on xxxxx because he swears and isnt the nicest of boys to have around.

Hubby is really hacked of with it all...Im starting to avoid going out into the garden....even tumble dried the washing this morning because the Mother is out in the garden enjoying the sunshine and I just dont fancy being looked at like I am a piece of Sh*te.

We cant errect a fence because we live in an area of outstanding natural beauty and the walls are all dry stone....fencing is not allowed!!!!

awwww I am bubbling inside....just so bloody angry.

dinosaur Fri 06-May-05 11:23:05

What a horrid situation to be in.

An area of outstanding natural beauty sounds nice though!

KarenThirl Fri 06-May-05 11:49:28

I feel for you JM, what a dreadful situation to be in. I think if it were me I'd accept J's friendship with the boy but discourage association with the rest of the family, if that's possible. After all, if it's OK for this horrible girl to exclude J from her games and her mother finds this acceptable, you can do the same to her. Sounds like the ground rule has already been set on that one. Welcome J's friend into your home and garden and allow J to go there as long as he wants to (which I wouldn't think will be much longer if this continues), but keep your other boys away if you can so that this 'you-can-play-but-you-can't' favouritism can be avoided.

I have to say though, her behaviour sounds depressingly normal for girls of her age. The mind games they play about excluding each other are heartbreaking, and it seems she's carrying on her usual girlie playground banter in the comfort of her own home and yours too. And I guess she's picked up quite a bit of it from mummy as well, by the sounds of things.

Hope you manage to get some rest tonight, and that today's a better day.

assumedname Fri 06-May-05 12:14:50

How about a nice prickly hedge, then? Blackthorn or quickthorn should do it. Privet is evergreen but not prickly and will grow as high as you let it.

pixiefish Fri 06-May-05 12:53:27

agree with assumedname- get some sort of planting up so that J can go out in his garden in peace.

Big hugs to you all

Merlot Fri 06-May-05 13:54:59

Oh Jayzmummy

Cant kids be cruel sometimes! Mind you, this little madam sounds like she has got some real issues - what was the teacher's reaction over all this - is this behaviour par for the course with her perhaps?

Your poor J and poor you. If her mum cant sort her out, I dont think you have any choice but to send her home each time she gate grashes - as every one else has said, if J's home can't be his sanctuary, where can it be?

Hugs, Merlot x

Sapphire1975 Fri 06-May-05 14:08:25

Hun I just wanted to let you know you are not alone, my son is exactly the same, he is 10 and since last year has constantly had meltdowns sayting he wants to kill himself and has infact put a bag over his head, knife to his stomach (sitting at dinner table at home with everyone)
and regularly punches himself.

It only takes a few cruel words to do so much harm.
I can't believe your neighbour has all this experience of special needs and condones what her little $£%£% of a daughter is doing
!!!

I really hope this stops hunny.

mogwai Fri 06-May-05 14:14:29

I think you need to hold your head up high and get out in that sunshine! The lady nextdoor has no right to look upon you as a piece of sh* - you sound like a lovely mum and she obviously doesn't possess the right skills to raise decent, pleasant children or to keep their behaviour in check.

If you don't carry on as normal, this will get much worse. Make the first move and say hello when you are out in the garden and then just keep a distance from her in every sense. I have problems with my silly old woman of a neighbour, completely different sorts of problems, but she's unbearable. I never let her see how she bothers me, I just act superior to her and always wave and say hello! She deserves pity, and so does this woman you describe.

Big hugs and good luck

JakB Fri 06-May-05 15:19:45

You and J really DON'T need this. I'm shocked that the mum in question has so much experience of special needs and ASD but is being so ignorant! And as for calling her 'fat'?!!!!!!
They've obviously got their own issues. I'm sorry it's so hard for you at the moment and that must be so devastating hearing J so distressed. Sending hugs {{{}}}

Jayzmummy Fri 06-May-05 18:17:23

Hubby has hit the roof over all this.....BIG TALKS are going to happen this weekend....in the meantime J is a nervous wreck....he has cried all the way home from school this afternoon because he doesnt want to live by people anymore!!!!

Im so exhausted....I cant cope with this emotionally, mentally or physically.....we had come on so well with J and now I feel we have taken a massive slide back down the ladder it has taken us so far to climb.

He was in school for two hours this afternoon and his teacher said all he said the whole time was "Am I really stupid" over and over again....why are children so cruel?????

I called into school on the way home to watch the DS1 play in a rugby match....teacher was there and I had a long chat with her about my problem...it appears that the girl has been having problems with some other children in the playground....so I am obviously not the only one to be suffering at the hands of this little vixen. The story she told the teacher was nothing like what had happened.....but I have learnt that J's friend has a rather vivid imagination...so maybe it runs in the family!!!

moondog Fri 06-May-05 18:21:45

Yes,you need to exclude this girl from your home,pleasantly (hard I know!)but firmly.Don't enter into discussions with her even. Tell her to stay away as you can't trust her.

So sorry to hear about your terrible experince, and Sapphire's.

May her evil actions haunt her for the rest of her life!

Bit of masculine shouting may help-sometimes you need a bloke to inject a bit of testosterone!

Blossomhill Fri 06-May-05 18:22:13

Oh god Jaysmum what a nightmare
Hope you manage to get it sorted out soon.
Poor J There are some nasty bits of work out there!

coppertop Fri 06-May-05 18:44:34

Poor J. I honestly think you need to do whatever is necessary to keep this little bully out of your house and garden.

monica2 Fri 06-May-05 22:49:05

So sorry Jayzmummy what an awful situation hope it gets sorted quickly and you and poor J have a better nights sleep.

Chocol8 Fri 06-May-05 23:46:45

Oh Jayzmummy - how awful for you all, and poor, poor J. I can understand you wanting to move far away, this is really a dreadful situation.

Moondog made a good suggestion about a bit of masculine shouting and testosterone - do you think it would work? Let's face it, it can only help at this stage surely????

A bit different, but last week at the autistic group we go to, a little girl told me that she wouldn't speak to "that boy" because he was "coloured" (he's mixed race). I explained that saying things like this wasn't on and that she could get hurt if she said it to the wrong person, then pointed out that "that boy" is my son (he was dressed as a lion at the time and only his face was showing). She's dx with PDA though, not just plain nasty like that madam next door to you! I'm so glad that ds was playing and didn't hear her or i'd have had a similar self harm scenario going on afterwards.

All I can do is send you a MASSIVE ((((((((((((hug))))))))))))) and tell you that we're thinking of you and hope this woman has a plague of locus and/or poisonous frogs in her garden and can't ever use it again.

Jayzmummy Sat 07-May-05 13:30:28

Well its happened...and there were BIG Shouts from her....I held my tongue and decided I would let her rant and rave and make herself look like the fool she is...finally after she had her say I just very polietly explained that I was shocked by her actions and words and very disapointed that she was once someone I considered to be a friend.....silence from her....then tears!!!! THEN THE APOLOGY!!!!!
Her daughter came round to apologise to and has promised that she will leave J alone and I have had talks with all the children this morning... I actually got the book "can I tell you about aspergers" down from the shelf and read it to the kids and I think they all understand that J sees the wold so very differently.
I told the kids that I know J can be a pain...he an be bossy and tempremental...but if they wind him up more by ridiculing him he will only get worse and his temper will sore.
We have devised a plan of action with the kids to say that if J is out and about in the garden with DS1 then they must check first with us if its OK to play...and if J is starting to have a wobbly moment then it would be a good idea if they gave him a wide birth...let him calm down and when all is OK play can resume.
Things will be a bit tetchy for a while....she did say an awful lot of very nasty things about my family....of which she has apologised about....but I am a bit like an old elephant....I never forget!!!!

KarenThirl Sat 07-May-05 13:37:06

Well done, JM, you've got the right result. TBH I'm quite surprised she's apologised, and more so her daughter, but I'm very glad that you've reached an agreement and they now seem more understanding of J's needs. I hope it works out.

macwoozy Sat 07-May-05 14:39:41

Good on you Jayzmummy, that must have been a hard thing for you to do, to confront her like that. Looks like she's realising that she's been totally unfair about this, and you getting it all out in the open is the best thing you could possibly have done.

Did J witness the apology from the little girl? I do hope that by reading to her about Aspergers might make her behave in a more kindly manner towards J.

(By the way my ds is a J as well!!}

tigermoth Sat 07-May-05 15:19:32

oh what a nightmare situation for you, and you are so strong about it, really facing it head on.

I hope things settle down - I think you've got lots of good advice, and can only add, it might be an idea to plan some outings - doesn't have to be expensive or far away, just trips to the park, picnics etc.

My youngest son has a love-hate relationship with the neighbouring children. He is NT, but gets terribly cross and wound up but the gang. I don't know if the following is useful for you, but here's what happens here:

There are several tell tale/wind up girls and boys amongst the gang. tbh, I think they are bored and like to cause trouble. Witness yesterday, one of the boys got the young childen playing a game involving lying down in the road .

When stuff like that happens, or when there's lots of tears and tale telling, I try and get my son out somewhere pronto. I tell the troublemaking children I am taking my son out to a nice park to so he can play with some other children and have a big ice cream. That silences them! I have found absence makes the heart grow fonder, and if the children see that their wind up games result in my son having a better time, then hopefully it lessens their motivation to wind him up.

But I know life is not always as simple as this, so I hope things work out for you.

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