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I witnessed my son being bullied.

(25 Posts)
TheRealMrsF Tue 03-May-05 21:56:49

Leigh has been getting called alot of stupid silly names lately...and ofcourse to him they are very hurtful and he cannot ignore them.

So...after telling his teacher for the upteenth time on friday she said
"I challenge you leigh to stop telling tales"
so he came home friday very upset...saying that his teacher thinks it's ok to be cruel to others etc.

I had to explain to him that YES she is prbably fed up of his 'telling tales' etc...and that even at home i get fed up as it is constant with him- he is such a 'policeman' that he is always fining something/someone to 'tell of'....BUT i also reassured him that 'just' because she said that ...HE MUST TELL HER if he is HURT or someone follows him when he walks away from their taunts and keeps calling him names etc.
(but deep down i was very peed off as i don't think she understands how some AS people are proned to being both called names and telling tales as she calls it...nore do they understand teasing/saercasm...well WE KNOW that but she clearly hasn't a effing clue))

So.........today i was waiting in the car for my boys...and leigh was VERY late coming out. I saw 3 boys from his class crowding round him- and he looked distraessed- so i got out the car and saw him slump to the p[ath crying and sobbing... they saw me and walked away.......

turned out they were calling him 'GIRL' and saying "your the girl of my dreams"...which is their current favourite (other names being ...GOOG-LEIGH.......and then there's the inlaws calling him Whinger)

So when he got home we talked and he said what had actulaly happened was that they had already left through the school gates and crossed over via the lollypop lady...as he was at the top of the school driveway...then they had seen him and crossed back over and started to walk towards him...calling "GIRL"....he then slowed down hoping they'd go away....i didn't see this....then he saw my car so started to come towards me- that's when they surrounded him.

so.....DH is phoning the head tomorrow....and i will have to go back to waiting at the top of the driveway (i stopped doing that cos the boys kept pulling and tugging me...and got impatioent waiting for eachother)

any ideas???? Teacher attitude sucks.

coppertop Tue 03-May-05 22:11:24

MrsF

Whatever the teacher says this IS bullying. I think you've given her more than enough chances to deal with it herself so think you are right to go to the Head. I would ask for a copy of their anti-bullying policy and point out in writing where it's not being followed.

Poor Leigh.

Evesmama Tue 03-May-05 22:14:39

thats shocking and i really fell for him, the teachers should be a hell of a lot more knowledgable and should be able to understand and support every pupil no matter if they have special needs or not!!
all kids tell tales, but for a teacher..and adult to just say that to him, instead of having a little chat and explaining things is heartless and says to your son, that she wont support him if he needs her!
id bollock her!! and ask head if they can give her some sort of training or tell her(and other teachers) to find out about all the special needs within the school and adapt to them!!

hope you are ok and hope he is too

eidsvold Tue 03-May-05 22:20:09

that is just not on MrsF - I second everything ct says - especially putting the complaint in writing to the head. I ama big believer in writing - always have a copy then to pull out at a later date should things not be done. I would even be tempted to cc the letter to the teacher. at the teacher, for Leigh

They may seem silly names to adults but to children those names are incredibly hurtful.

You could perhaps find some information in a book or article that explains what you have said about the name calling, sarcasm etc and give her a copy of that also.

Sorry no real ideas here.

monica2 Tue 03-May-05 22:21:52

Mrs F my heart goes out to you and your ds, this is so upsetting, I would start keeping a diary as back up of different incidents with names/dates/times/details etc. this will give you real ammunition and documentation needed for a bullying claim.
My dd has been called crazy/weirdo etc. and is frequently "set up" for jokes etc by the other kids as she is an easy target.
I think the teachers should take this seriously as his disability makes him very vulnerable. One of the strategies that did work for dd was that the teacher and asd outreach worker spoke to dd's class (in her absence) about why dd acted/thought/behaved differently to the others, it was worded very carefully and many of the children had a completely different attitude towards her behaviours than previously!!
Hope you get it sorted

Chocol8 Tue 03-May-05 22:21:58

Agree with Coppertop MrsF - how bloody ridiculous! This IS bullying and it makes my blood boil to think of any child going through it.

Write down all you can remember of the incidents with dates, times, details and who was involved. This was invaluable for me (as my memory is like a goldfish!). Present it to the head and request the bullying policy as Coppertop said.

Also maybe worth taking a look at www.bullying.co.uk (sorry, can't do links).

Poor Leigh and poor you. Thinking of you. x

pixiefish Tue 03-May-05 22:22:06

Oh Mrs F- poor baby. Does the silly moo not know that 'telling it as it is' is part of AS. I had a boy in my class a couple of years ago and he could not lie plus he told everything as he saw it. Part of his time in school was spent with his LSA practicing life skills such as not 'telling tales'. BUT this boy was in secondary NOT primary like your little dot. I can't for the life of me remember the name of this book but it gave all sorts of help for 'life skills'.
Definetly think this teacher needs educating in SEN. (She is the same one who doesn't help him enter his homework in his diary is she?)

debs26 Tue 03-May-05 22:24:56

my ds was bullied like this, except with him he got called fat. it ruined his school life and the teacher did nothing - o no, sorry, on one occasion he told her about it she told him if people couldnt say anything nice, they should say nothing at all. i suggested that she would have been better telling the bullies that, but she didnt seem to have a clue. sadly the head was equally as rubbish. eventually my ds punched the other child in the face, hard (he is a big lad). needless to say, i got a call from school complaining about ds. i told the head that i was not going to tell him off because if they didnt want him to do it they should have sorted the problem. thank god, shortly after that we moved so i didnt have to deal with the idiots any more. i really wish i had taken it further at the time. i should have complained to the governers, lea - anyone who would listen. if we hadnt moved i think i would now be home educating as i just couldnt put ds through it any longer. i really hope you get this sorted, please dont give up because you dont want to rock the boat. looking back i feel terrible that i was such a coward. if anything like this happens again i will be far more forceful if i have to be , tho thankfully we are now in a school who actually seems to give a damn about its kids. sorry, this probably doesnt help you much but i wanted to let you know you are not alone and you are in the right to make as big a fuss as necessary over this. good luck to your ds

sis Tue 03-May-05 22:25:59

Oh your poor son, I hope the school has a better understanding of what it is like for him and take proper steps to protect him from this awful behaviour. This is making me so sad.

monica2 Tue 03-May-05 22:38:38

Also it may be worth doing a social story on the lines of when to and not to report things to the teacher about other children, this really helped with my little policewoman!

monica2 Tue 03-May-05 23:02:28

Dh has just reminded me that we pointed out, that under Section 61 of School Standards and Framework Act 1998 (Behaviour Policies legal requirements) : the headteacher and governing bodies must determine measures designed to secure an acceptable standard of behaviour including respect for others. The schools individual behaviour policy will probably outline something on the lines of " providing a safe and secure environment" your dh could point out that under this act they are currently failing to do this! It certainly made the school take our grievances more seriously!

jmb1964 Wed 04-May-05 00:06:57

Oh dear me, what an awful thing to happen - hope your dh gets on OK tomorrow. Sometimes I think a letter might be more powerful, particularly when people are bound to get so charged up about this sort of thing.
Why not loan them a copy of this to read? It gives a wonderful account of what it is like for an AS child in school, and should be requoired reading for all teachers I think.
Hope tomorrow will be better day for you all.

KarenThirl Wed 04-May-05 07:43:21

Poor Leigh. Yes, this is definitely bullying and needs to be brought to school's attention. Teacher obviously has little understanding on the definitions of bullying and could do with some knowledge in this area. The good thing is that you were there to witness it first hand, Mrs F, so you can describe the incident fully. And yes, write it down and miss nothing out.

Hope he's feeling better today, and you too.

TheRealMrsF Wed 04-May-05 09:29:43

thank you all----and pixiefish- when i read your woderful post i cried. (don't feel bad though- i needed to!)

My DH is phoning this morning- leigh reluctantly went into the playground-and i walked away feeling wretched.

At the moment i feel like driving round every school with a photo of my son- and asking wheteher they have a teacher like you Pixie!!!

Maybe i should contact the local press and make this public????

i said about this last night to leigh when he was saying things like "why don't they like me etc'...i told him that if his picture was in the newspaper that people would be saying what a gorgeous child he was. He smiled at that!!!

So thanks to you ALL....let you know the next step!

coppertop Wed 04-May-05 09:32:54

Having seen a photo of Leigh I can confirm that he is indeed gorgeous - and with the cheekiest little grin I've ever seen.

I hope your dh gets some answers, MrsF.

figleaf Wed 04-May-05 10:07:14

Go and make a complete pest of yourself.Be a world class complainer. Use the law, use the complaints procedure and yes if you get no where use the press!

I would start by documenting everything. Dates and times of bullying incidents (where possible) plus how all this is making your tot feel on a daily basis. Can any other children back up your DS? or their parents? At our school parents go in to read, this often gives insight into classroom dynamics. If you know any reading mums could you ask them what they may have seen?

Most of these things require hard facts if you are to get anywhere. Best of luck, dont give up.

maddiemo Wed 04-May-05 10:21:21

I would be careful about using the press at this stage if you want him to reamain at the school. His picture will also be seen by all local children who may then covertly bully him all the more.

I think if the teacher is fed up with him tale telling {and again if he is doing this in the earshot of other children it will perhaps make him even more of a target} she shoul give him a worry book where he is to write his concerns and worries and hand it to the teacher at the end of the day. Any serious incidents should be brought to your attention and discussed. Minor worries can be discussed with Leigh in a positive 'How can we deal with this' way.

I would tell the school that you are aware of an incident that they have not seen and therefore you cannot help having concerns.

Do they operate any kind of buddy system?
Hope the school put a stop to it. Bullying is dreadful, my eldest was bullied and in the end we did remove him from the school. So I really sympathise with you.

JakB Wed 04-May-05 17:16:14

I really sympathise, Mrs F, although no experience of this. I used to get bullied at school for being 'swotty' and generally not being in with the in crowd and it's soul-destroying. Good luck in getting the help your DS needs

pixiefish Wed 04-May-05 18:30:18

Mrs F - I hope that leigh had a better day today. The school really need to take responsibility for him. I am so very very as it is so unfair. His teacher should be made aware of how he learns and any problems that he has. If she was any sort of compassionate teacher she'd do some research on the web herself (I got loads of free info from the NAS). THis is one of the things I really hate about teaching- the govt want integration but they don't do it properly- by educating staff etc. We have a fantastic Senco -if we have a new 'special need' she arranges a whole school training session (eg we had a deaf child starting a few years ago- she gave us all training in how to teach a deaf child eg- don't stand withyour back to a sunny window- simple things like that)

Sorry I've ranted on but I do think that Leigh's school needs a short sharp kick up the **.

Can't remember what the situation is with his statement- sorry- am i remembering that the school are opposing a statement?

Socci Thu 05-May-05 07:13:57

Message withdrawn

TheRealMrsF Thu 05-May-05 10:38:40

well,,,,,,,,,,

turns out the boys who called him names are already close to exclusion....and after the head spoke to my DH turns out he took both boys out of class and put them to 'step 5' of the behaviour policy at school- one more 'incident' in the next week and they are excluded for a day etc.

so feel a bit better about that- and leigh was certainly happier that this happened- as another of his 'ways' is that he hates people not being punished/'getting away with it' etc...as far as he is concerned it is balck and white- 'you do something wrong- you get 'put on a step' on the behaviour policy....so i suppose this is where he struggles at being teased- he feels they all should be 'on a step'!
then as far as the teacher 'challenging him' to not tell tales....well turns out that the head has just this past week been putting up posters around the school about 'being kind to one another' etc...and there is reference to the 'telling tales' etc on there...ie tell someone if you get hurt,someone is unkind,cruel etc.....so turns out his teacher was referring to this- had explained it as a class then the next time leigh approached her 'with a tale' she reprimmanded him..... so my DH explained to the head that i believe that to leigh he cannot differentuate between what is something you should tell a teacher about- as to him 'anything wrong' must be reported...so have asked that they specifically explain to him on a 1:1 basis....as he needs that.

so hwen leigh came home just 2 hours after the phone call he said that when the head brought the 2 'bullies' back to class he took leigh out and explained the poster- and what HE needs to do when HE feels he NEEDS to tell a teacher something. He also apologised personally to leigh for the way he feels...so leigh came home feeling 'cared for'...I think this was great- that the head explained the poster etc,,,,,but remains to be seen 'what happens next'....

DH also mentioned the homwork 'linegude ' issue- and looks like the head is going to 'sort that too'...so what the teacher thinks about that...well i don't care. (even last night leigh told me that the TA in his class had told him to 'stop stressing ME about HIS homework- and that he doesn't NEED lined/squared paper....'
so agin...i explained to leigh that YES i do get stressed and worry about HIM...but that i WANT to help and i am cross that he is treated as 'piggy in the middle' between the school and home....so agin i wrote another note in his homework book about the HEAD having agreed about 'squared/lined paper' etc....

Just all seems so pathetically petty- the teacher just cannot accept that he struggles- cos he masks it so well.

also dh said that i was close to keeping leigh home from school- and could he go into a 'SN' class...the head actually said that HE had considered that- but is woried as leigh is so bright- and the classes for SN that he has would not cater for this.... so he said he's going to wait for the report from the Outreach team (who came the day before ...after i chased them on thursday!!!!)...as he said they had noted his anxiety etc in class....

so...wondering if i may be able to twist the heads arm a bit and allow leigh to join a SN class for part of each day- just till end of this school year- as next year all being well he hjas a lovely teacher- who i feel a brilliant rapport with...so just feel need to 'get through' the next 2 months or so.

TheRealMrsF Thu 05-May-05 10:42:35

oh- also like the idea o a WORRY BOOK.... so am orting that out this week- and am sending it with him to school on monday- with a note to his teacher |(copied to head) asking that she read it when he hands it in...and that if not he takes it to the head.....HA!!! can see her squirming in her seat.....similarily he's doing a diay at home in which i have told him he MUST detail 'HOME' stresses too...as i want to see what is causing him anxiety at home too....

i'm just glad that because of how he is- he certainly TELLS IT AS IT IS....so The Truth Will OUT!!!!!! (whether we like it or not!!!)

coppertop Thu 05-May-05 10:45:48

The Head sounds great, MrsF! It sounds to me as though he really cares about Leigh (and the rest of the pupils too, I imagine).

at the TA though for saying what she did to Leigh about his homework. IMHO that was completely wrong.

Fingers crossed for you that the next 2 months go very smoothly for you and Leigh.

Davros Thu 05-May-05 14:30:27

The Head sounds good, let's hope the talk turns into action.

pixiefish Thu 05-May-05 15:21:39



action at last mrsF.

Thank goodness the head is doing something.

I do agree with him about the special needs class though as leigh is so bright. He will get bored with low ability kids. He needs to be taught with children of his own ability. For social reasons though being in a small class may well be better for him IF the class is small and he gets plenty of one to one attention. The other benefit with a small class is that the properly trained (in SN) teacher really gets to know the kids properly because generally there are less in the class. There will probably be LSA's as well.

Excellent news. Am very happy for Leigh and you Mr and Mrs F

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